WOW!! WAy too long!!

OK! So I totally suck at keeping up with my blog! Life has been ridiculously crazy over here at the Campbell house. This is such a weird time of year for us. I wanted to do a birthday post for Courty but the time just goes so fast. So here it is, almost a month late!!

My sweet Courty Serene turned four years old on November 17th!! I cannot believe she is this big! It really does seem like yesterday that I was at the hospital waiting for her to come and yet it also feels like another lifetime. She is such an incredible little person and I am so proud to be her momma! She is so intuitive and wise beyond her four long years. She knows so much more about life and how precious it is than I did until just recently. I am amazed by her more every day. I wish with a ll my heart that she hadn't;t had to go through what she did, but I am so proud of the person she is because of it. She is so tender hearted and would never hurt anyone's feelings on purpose (except maybe her brother :)). She is so fun to take with me places and to be silly with. I am so blessed by her!

So another thing about her right now is that she is ALWAYS in character and most of the time she is Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Its safe to say she is obsessed. She also plays all day long with Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man and they go with us every time we leave the house. So naturally, I asked her what kind of birthday party she wanted to have and she decided Wizard of Oz! It was really cute. I couldn't have pulled it off without my other-in-law and my mom. It was really fun for her and she had a great time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY PRECIOUS GIRL!! I LOVE YOU!!

I've been HORRIBLE about updating! There have been so many things going on here! My sister left two weeks ago. My brother officially made it safely to Iraq... Those are just a couple. I just thought I'd kind of journal about what God has been doing in us, but especially me this last few weeks. My sweet Jesus has been working with me for a very long time on learning to trust Him again with my kids! I feel like a huge turning pint for me was Christine Caine's message a couple sundays ago. She talked about being safe and trying to keep everything in it's nice little place and keep it all from getting hurt or messed up. I realized for the first time in a long time that that is where I have been. I'm still so confused and broken about what happened to my precious Jace and our little family that I have found it next to impossible to entrust my children to Him again. I think that a lot of it has to do with claiming the healing for all those months only to wake up to an empty body next to me and a promise that I was still clinging to. It felt, deep down, like a promise that hadn't been kept. My understanding has deepened quite a bit... I realize that I've been focusing so much on why and what could I have done. I have definitely given myself far too much credit. I am learning very slowly that I can not ever protect and love my kids the way Jesus can. Also, Ia m swallowing the fact that , while it wasn't God's plan for Jace to hurt and ultimately die and early death, It was Jace's destiny to touch his little world the way he did. I am so proud to have gotten to be his momma! Jesus has been wooing me for awhile and urging me to put Courty in MDO just for one day a week. I believe just to perove his faithfuolness to me. The last straw was when Court asked me if she could go to school like Ella. That was all I needed. My awesome friends talked me through it and I enrolled her in Crossings. I also Have stopped nursing Jett. It was a such a hard decision, but my hormones have been wierd and I've been getting horrible migraines. I was afraid if I stopped, I'd be risking him getting the flu and sicknesses this season. God loved me through that too and helped me to see that I can trust him to keep my baby boy well, (and he even does a better job than me- shocking, I know) I know that the one thing I am working on understanding and grasping is that God does have a plan for my life. That he did take us out of eternity and put me here in this time for a specific reason. That He is the God over my fear and that GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD! And I am so thankful for that! Lydi

2nd Birthday 8-14-09

Ok guys. It has definitely been awhile...
Needless to say, it has been a hard couple of months. Jace's Second birthday was Friday. It has also been a week of milestones for us. Jett, today, is officially older than Jace was when we found him not breathing that awful December night. It has been almost hard to breathe the closer these days have gotten. I can't believe that Jace would have been two. I watch my sweet nephew and my sweet Bryson and I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to watch Jace walk around like that. If he would have still been so chubby? If there would be anything he was so attached to like Max and his blankie? How would he have interacted with his sister and what would it have been like to watch them play together. Words cannot express to you all how deep the ache is in my heart just to know those things. I continue to ask God to help me to hand these things to Him. I take them back so often, but He is so gently and tenderly showing me how much He wants to hold on to them for me. He holds his hands out and gently urges me to place my sweet Jace there. To trust that he is so very well looked after and that he is unspeakably happy. There are no words really to tell you all what God is and has been to me... He has loved me so perfectly on this journey and is continuing to hold me and anchor me in the middle of so much hurt and anger and things I just do not understand. I have looked through pictures so much this past week and just wondered.. And today I am having to make the choice again, to put those things in God's care and TRUST. It is becoming and minute by minute decision I am having to make. I am making peace with the fact that it will probably be this way indefinitely. I am learning what it means to live a life completely dependent on the Lover of my Soul and the HEALER of my heart! I love you my baby Jace! You will be part of us forever. I can't wait to see you and Jesus! Happy Birthday sweet angel baby.

"Though you're gone, you're still here in my heart, in my tears. Yeah, you sure left your mark and we were just getting started. It wasn't long enough together but it was long enough to last forever." -Rascal Flatts

"In the end, its not the years in your life that count, Its the life in your years.."
-Abraham Lincoln

One Year Ago Today

One Year ago today we said Goodbye to our sweet Jace Richard. I didn't know how long a year was truly until today. It has been a whole year, one of every holiday and milestone that I have already missed. I have missed watching him take his first steps and hearing him say mama and dada. I have missed his first birthday and will miss every one after this. I miss him so much! I can't even express how badly I ache to hold him and touch him and pull him close to me. I miss his smell and the little sounds he made. I miss just being his mama and the one that could comfort him better than anyone else.

But there are other things we missed as well. We missed having to have surgery on his hip and having him in a body cast for six months. We missed having to get him a wheelchair because he was getting too big for me to carry everywhere. I missed watching him watch other kids play and wonder why his body didn't work the way their's did. I am glad I missed those things and that Jace never had to endure those things.

As I reflect on the past year and also the events that brought us here, I am so grateful for every tiny moment I had with that precious little boy. I still wish every day that none of this had happened, but I am so glad that we trusted God to take care of him and that God had prepared our hearts for this very day one year ago, and we didn't even know it yet. Yesterday was a precious day. It was very bittersweet, looking at my sweet Courtlynn and holding my baby Jett and watching him smile, remembering how desperately I wanted to see a smile on Jace's face those last few months and just knowing that, someday when I get there and we are all together again, maybe it will make some sense then. And that even if it doesn't, I won't care because I will be in the presence of my sweet Jesus and with my little boy again. Thank you all for all of your support. All the calls and text messages and facebook messages make this all just a little bit more bearable. We are grieving still and will be forever in some ways. But we are purposing to allow God's healing and make new memories to go with the old ones. We love you all and one year later, God is Still Good!

Lydia

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July my precious Jace!! We will be thinking about you ALL day and celebrating your freedom today! We miss you with all of our hearts and wish we could see your sweet face today! We love you tiny man.

Love, Momma and Daddy

Father's Day

I know its a little late, but I wanted to say a few things about the dads in my life.

First and foremost, my amazing husband. I am so proud of him and of how he has led our family through the darkest and hardest year and a half of our life. I am blown away by how in tune he has been with the Holy Spirit. I love how, with Courtlynn, he loves to "take a date" with her in the living room at breakfast time on the weekends while I am sleeping. She goes to his side of the bed and says, " Hey Daddy, you wanna take a date?" I am instructed to stay in the room! Its just for her and Daddy.

With Jace, he used to walk in the door from work, and before his accident, he would hear his daddy's voice and his eyes would get huge and he would look for him everywhere. As soon as he could smile, he would grin so big every time he heard his Daddy talk. After he quit breathing, Rocky was the strong voice of faith that helped me to continue to hold on to hope, even with no reason to believe!

With Jett now, I see so many similarities in their relationship and him and Jace's. Jett knows the minute his Daddy comes home and he smiles at him and Court more than anyone else! Rocky can calm him down at times when its even hard for me to.

My husband is such a good man and an amazing father. I am so proud to be the one that gets to stand beside him for the rest of our time here on earth and so blessed to have such a wonderful Daddy for my precious kids! I love you my Husband!

And just a few words about my dad. He has taught me so much in my 24 years. He has taught me the importance of hard work and integrity. He has taught me how to respect myself and stand up for what's right. He has taught me the importance of authenticity and transparency. How important it is to be real with people. Most of all, thought, he has taught me to recognize how much God loves me. That its not just that I want to know Jesus so I can go to heaven, but that Jesus is ALL that matters. He has helped me see that its okay to question your values and where you stand on issues, as long as you remember that Jesus is ALL that matters! I am so blessed to have a dad that loves my mom and that loves us kids and his grandkids so much. SO blessed that he was there through the hardest parts of my life and continues to support us and teach us by example! I love you, my Daddy!

"Early when the day is new, Before the stirring, I will come to talk to you. To confess the ways I'm broken, to recall the words You've spoken, and to try to comprehend the love You have for me! You are my Hiding Place, You fill my broken heart with songs, Songs of deliverance, You sing of how the weak are strong. And You never meant for me to walk alone. You are always for me , as the TRUEST lover of my soul. You hear my desperate calling, You have kept my feet from falling and You've set me on this rock on which I'm standing now. And I believe You, for you saved me from my darkness and my shame." Hiding Place by Sara Groves

I think I wrote the words to this song close to a year ago when I started this blog. I am obviously still on the journey and it means something totally different to me now than it did then. We said goodbye to my brother yesterday. He left for active duty with the navy reserves. We don't know which country he will go to or even how long he will be gone. I am again learning a very hard lesson in mortality and trusting my Jesus. It brought up all the other stuff about how fast our lives changed a year and a half ago and then how fast it changed again just a year ago. I am here this morning, letting the Holy Spirit minister to me the truth of the protection and covering I have just resting under His wings. Where would I go if it weren't for this precious place of peace and truth? I am so blessed to have my Hiding Place.

Lydia

Please pray for Cat. She has a long journey ahead of her waiting for my

brother to come home. Pray against fear and for an overwhelming peace! I love you girl!

All of us kids before we had a lot of cares! This was a sweet memory! I will miss you Bubba. You will be home with us soon. You are Brave!!

Time to reflect

I am sitting here tonight holding my brand new baby boy. My second son, my third child. I am so full of wonder at the miracle that he is. I sit and watch him all the time and I find myself marveling at all the things he can do. I am amazed at how he can suck and swallow so instinctively and how he can hear and see and do the things that he was just born knowing how to do. I thank God every day for all the little things that I had always taken for granted before. I am more amazed than anything by the way he breathes. How his chest moves up and down and how much I took that for granted in the past. How much that breath means, not just to Jett, but to all of us who love him. I am reminded today of the nooma video we watched all the time in the PICU while Jace was clinging to life. It was called breathe and it was all about the name of God and how, a long time ago, it was too sacred to even utter the name of God. That when people said His name it was just a sound, not a word. And the sound was the sound of breathing. It was four sounds within four breaths. We played that video over and over and my favorite part was when he says something about what if when a baby is born, it doesn't take its first breath, but it says the name of Jesus for the first time, and when a person dies, maybe its not that they take their last breath, but that, when they can no longer say the name of God, they die.  I have definitely come to see that the very act of breathing is a miracle in itself. That life is full of adventure and there are new things every day to discover about our heavenly Daddy. I feel that, with the gift of this baby, God is attempting to heal something inside me that I was afraid would always be broken, and maybe didn't want fixed. And they best part is, if I will get out of the way and let him heal it, It will heal different than it was to start with. That the evidence of the wound will be there forever, but the healed part will always point others to the true character of God. To the hope that He has given me and will do even more for the kingdom of God and draw even more people to himself. If I will let him, this wound that will always be a part of me, will be the place that God can show his strength in my biggest weakness! I know that trusting Him is the hardest part of all of this right now. Jett looks so much like his brother and reminds us so much of Him. God is so Good. I will forever have a precious boy that will always remind me of  Jace in such a special way. I'm so glad that God is God and that He doesn't listen to me and what I think I need. This sweet baby is exactly what we needed at this point in our journey. I am letting go of my precious Jace, and realizing that letting go doesn't mean forgetting. That my kids need their whole momma, and my Jace is with Jesus and cheering me on! That I will never forget and that part of me will always be sad and broken. But that letting God heal me is not betraying my firstborn son! I will love him forever until the day that I am with him again. And he knows that. I am choosing to let God take my Great Sadness, in exchange for the true, real, genuine Joy of the Lord that will be my strength. I want everyone to know that in no way will Jett ever replace Jace. That would be impossible, first of all, but also unfair to both of the boys. I am just aware today that a chapter is closing on this part of the journey and that its time to face the fact that my life will be different than I wanted it to, but that I believe God!! I believe He is who He says He is and He will do what He says He can do!! That is what fills me with peace and lets me know that, as broken and crappy as life can be, He is still faithful and I will trust Him and walk with my hand in his until this life is over!! 

Jett is here!!!

I'm not going to have all the details tonight because I'm on pain meds and I'm really tired. We came home from the hospital around noon today. I was ready to get home with our precious boy. He was born at 11:47 am on April 21st. He was 9lbs 6oz. and 20 and 3/4 inches long. It was the best feeling in the world to hear that sweet, soft cry. His sister is ecstatic and she is such a great helper and loves on him so well. There are so many things about him that we just watch in amazement.  We will never take things for granted like we did before. We are missing our sweet Jace, and yet feeling a joy that we never thought was possible to feel again. I will write some more later but here are some pictures of our beautiful boy!! Thank you all for praying and continuing to pray for us! 

Today is the Day!!!

We are leaving in a few minutes for the hospital. I will post as soon as I can with the details and some pictures!!!

1 more week!!

One week from Tuesday, which is tomorrow, and I am going to the hospital to have my little Jett man!! We are so very excited!! I have been counting down the days for awhile now and for a variety of reasons. First, its because he is getting so big in there that I barely have room for anything else. Secondly, I think that I am just so anxious.  I've been nervous about everything this time and just ready to get him out here where I can look at him to see if he's okay. I feel like I've switched from feeling like nothing bad could ever happen to us to feeling like it will its just a matter of time. I'm definitely still having issues with trusting my heavenly Papa! I know now more than ever that He is on my side and I love Him so very much. Yesterday was Easter and it was the most meaningful Easter I have ever experienced. It was kind of sad because last Easter is one of my favorite memories of my sweet Jace. He fell asleep in the corner of the couch and was out cold for a long time. I just kept looking at him and wanting to pick him up and squeeze him because he just looked so sweet. I couldn't help but marvel at what God had done in his short recovery time! It was a hopeful day for me. This year was very different, yet there was still a lot of hope, just a different kind. I just sat there at church and I couldn't keep from crying. I was just so blown away by the Love of God that was revealed in Jesus and the work of the cross! I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that because of Jesus, I will be reunited with my precious son someday and that I will be with my Jesus forever!! I am overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation. Thank you Jesus, for the hope I have in you!! I still believe that everything you promised us is true!! 

2 Weeks and 5 Days!!

Ok!! I went and saw Dr. Hall today. I'm going every week now. I have two weeks left and only two more appointments! They rescheduled his birthday for April 21st so my brother can be there for sure. It's pretty hard to believe but we are almost there! My awesome friends are having a baby shower for me on Sunday and then my mother-in-law had one at her house for me last sunday!! It was really fun. I think that makes it go so much faster to have the showers and all the stuff to finish up before he comes. I wonder sometimes if it doesn't make it a little harder when you schedule the birth because you are counting down and I never really have that anticipation that it could happen anytime. I guess it could, it just doesn't seem possible with my track record. Anyway, I had an ultrasound a week ago and they predicted his weight at 6lbs 7oz. already!! I am only 36 weeks friday!! She measured me today, too and she laughed a little and said I was measuring 38 to 39 weeks. Like I said, I'm only 36 this week!! Thank God for c-sections!! I'm certainly glad I don't have to push these gigantic babies out! We are getting somewhat anxious just because we aren't quite sure how all of this is going to feel. It was just summer before last that I gave birth to my precious Jace and now I am having another boy and bringing him home to only his sister and Daddy and Me. Its really weird that he is not here and I'm not sure how all of the emotions are going to play out! I believe that it's going to be a beautiful time and a time of intense healing and peace, but I also know there will be a lot of memories brought to the surface and I am thankful for that! I feel like I have been in survival mode this whole pregnancy and it will be pretty crazy to see what kind of things come out once we actually get to hold our Jett and kiss him and look at him!! We are so very excited and can't wait to see what God is going to do! Love you all! 

Lydi

Gammy's play!!

We went to my mother-in-law's play this weekend. She is the drama teacher at Choctaw High School and she directed The Wizard of Oz this year for their musical. We have been to one play already this year and it was so good!! Our expectations are always high for her plays because they are really exceptional. you truly forget you are watching high school students! This one was no different. The costumes were amazing and the effects were really good, but, like always, its Mary's actors who really make the show! They did a great job! Mary had the idea that the grandkids should dress up like the main characters the night we came to see the play. Ella was Dorothy, Max was the Scarecrow and Courtsie was Glenda the Good Witch. Mary had her little dress made and it was soo cute. They all looked really precious. It was very obvious that one little special person was missing, though. We were taking pictures and really enjoying ourselves but in the back of my mind the whole time, I was thinking how cute of a little Cowardly Lion Jace would have made. I think it will be that way forever, always some bitter mixed in with the sweet. And I don't think I'd want it any other way. It is as it should be, he impacted everything about me for the rest of my life and I love that he is on my mind all of the time!! I put some pictures of our little mini cast. Enjoy!!

Lydi

4D Ultrasound!!

We had our 4D Ultrasound yesterday. It was so fun. It was really cool to get to see him on the huge screen and to watch him move around and make faces. When she would push him from the outside to get him to move, he would scrunch up his face like he was gonna cry. It was the coolest thing. It was just me and Rocky and Courtlynn in the room. We got to see him for twenty minutes or so on the screen and then she made us a disc with 59 pictures. Here he is. So incredibly cute. He already has tons of hair and he still has seven weeks in there!! We think he looks like Court with Jace's lips.

Lydi

A little update on the Campbell fam.

Ok. I decided everyone might like to know all the things that have been going on in the last month. First of all, my brother finally asked Cat to marry him. Its official now! I have a new future sister-in-law. My brother found out a month or so ago that he was going to be deployed in June. He's thinking he will probably go to Afghanistan. So Cat will be busy planning a wedding here and when he gets home, they will get married right away! So exciting!  That leads into the next big thing happening, we scheduled Jett's c-section. He will be here on April 23rd! We wanted to get it scheduled so that maybe Andrew would be there but he will leave for his two weeks of training on April 18th. It stinks but he will be home on the 30th so Jett will only be a week old and he'll get to be here with him for a little while at least. We went ahead and scheduled out my doctor's appointments and I am going every two weeks now until April 2nd and then I am going every week. It is pretty crazy because this pregnancy has flown by, but at the same time, I feel like it has been an eternity. He is getting REALLY big. I can feel him all over the place in my belly and he is VERY active. I can't wait to see his sweet little face and know what he looks like. We are so excited. Court is talking about him all the time! We will probably have a shower in a few weeks and then it will be pretty much time! Anyway, there's what has been happening with the Campbell clan. Love to All!!

Lydi

It's been awhile

I know its been a long time since I updated. I have sat down a few times to type, but there just haven't been words. I have really been trying to sort out how I'm feeling about life in general lately. And I have to say, I still am not really sure. The Lord has been teaching me so much the past few weeks. He is really walking close to me trying to help me learn how to jump with Him and trust what the outcome will be. A good friend of mine has been telling me that you can only trust someone as well as you know them and I know that that is so true. I think before my precious little boy came into this world, my "trusting God" was really choosing not to think about the bad things that could happen. I think I was, as so many Christians are, under the impression that the cross made it impossible for bad things to happen to me. In the song "Held", by Natalie Grant, she says, "Who told us we'd be rescued, what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares. We are asking why this happens, to us who have died to live, its unfair. "

I'm realizing that the truth is not that we are safe from the evil world we were born into, but that we are safe in the arms of Jesus. That we are so unaware of how deep and wide and long his love is for us. I have not ever truly grasped the depth of the love that my savior has for me. I am learning, at least to try, to let go and jump with him. Knowing that whatever the outcome, I will be deep inside the overwhelming love of God. My kids are not my own and I am trying to trust Him with them too. The hardest part of that for me is letting go of all the questions that I still have for God concerning Jace. I have so many things that I just don't understand. I can only focus on them every once in awhile. The ache that I feel when I let my guard down and let myself think a lot about him is deeper than I could have ever thought possible. I can almost feel the way he felt in my arms but he is just out of reach for me. I know that it will never truly go away, but I am asking God to show me how to live the rest of this life he has for me in the rest and peace I know he wants for me to live in. I believe that what I am learning is that the key to living in that is truly grasping the depth of his love. 

4 years on February 4th!!

We went to the doctor today and Jett's heart rate was 138! He's getting big!! We are getting really excited. He will be here in a little over ten weeks!! Crazy. It is going so fast but I am getting so ready to see him and know what he looks like and hold him for the first time! I can't wait to see him and see what God has in store for us! Life is so unpredictable and hard but the moments like this are what make it all worth while. 

Rocky and I celebrated our anniversary today. Our actual anniversary was wednesday but Rock took off work today and we spent the whole day together. It was really fun. It sure is unbelievable that we have been married for 4 years and are pregnant with our third child. God is Good and I am so very thankful for my amazing husband. He is so full of faith and such an incredible man of God! 

Lydi

Third Trimester Exhaustion

Ok.  I have forgotten how tired you get again at the end of your pregnancy. I am worn out again! We have been working on the house and getting everything in its place. I am so glad that we pushed so hard and got everything done with the house. It is so nice and homey and really peaceful here. We are having some trouble with Court sleeping now that she is without her passies for security, but she's doing okay considering that she has had those things since she was born! It is so strange to try and settle in here without our sweet Jace Richard. We miss him more every day. Today was pretty weird and slightly reminiscent of last December. It was hard for both of us to deal with all those memories again today. I think its good for us to remember that it has only been almost six months since he went to be with Jesus and that we are just gonna miss him. My best friend and I had a conversation the other day, though about moving forward and knowing that we are always going to miss Jace but knowing that we are not honoring him any less by enjoying our family and our lives right now. That if anything, we are honoring him more by looking forward to the future with hope and faith that we will be happy again. I believe with all my heart that I will never be the same and  that forever I will dream of what it would have been like to see him at every stage. The pain never completely goes away, I am convinced of that. But Molly reminded me that I want my sweet baby Jett to feel that he is just as precious to us as his big brother is and that we are so thankful to have him and excited for him to come. Its so hard, but I am continuing  to learn how to jump of the edge with Jesus and live in the middle of his love for me. I am learning how to live believing that he loves me in every circumstance in my life and knowing that he still loves me, even when I don't understand. Thank you all, My precious friends, for praying for us and lifting us up. This is a hard journey to be on and it continues to be so challenging, but oh to know God the way that I have come to know him!! To grow with him the way that I am learning to do right now! He has never let go of us! 

Lydi

No More Passies and A New Puppy!!

Okay, well we finally got moved in. We painted EVERY room in the new house and it took just a few days but we are pretty exhausted. We also got rid of Court's passies. I put some pictures up of it. We tied them all to balloons and sent them up to heaven to her Bubba. The first night, she was crying and she told her daddy that she thinks maybe when she gets to heaven her Bubba will share the passies with her. She thinks they will just run and play and have their passies. That's what she said and after that she smiled and laid down and went to sleep! She still says it every once in awhile, that she can't wait to have passies with her Bubba in heaven. It has been three days and we are finally going to sleep without crying. She actually did way better than I thought she would. I'm very proud of her. 

We got a siberian husky puppy on saturday. It was a late Christmas present for Court. She has been asking for a puppy since Jace died. I think we are finally getting the hang of that too. We are having so much fun watching her and Court play together. Court named her Eva from her favorite movie, Wall-e. Anyway, I will put up some pictures of the house in a couple of days. I have really good before and after pictures. Just continue to pray for us. This is so hard to make a new start without our sweet little boy. Our invasion story is Sunday at Life church. I'd love for all of you to be able to see it! 

Lydi