Moving and Painting!

Okay. Sorry it has been so long since I've updated! We have had so much to do the last couple of weeks and all of our spare time has been spent packing. It has actually gone really smoothly. We are going in the morning to paint the new house. Any of you who would like to join us are perfectly welcome to do so! The more the merrier!!  Anyway, As much as I love my precious Jesus, I am glad that Christmas has come and gone this year. It was all getting too overwhelming for me. It seems like it gets harder as the time passes, not easier. I will never be expecting anything about this to be easy, but I know that time changes things and it will be interesting to see what that means in our lives. I am feeling little Jett moving around ALL the time. He is much more active than either of the other kids and I am so very glad. I worry less about him because I can feel him most of the time. That is definitely the Lord, I think. Well, I will get back on here once we are in the new house and settled. Pray for safety as we move and that I will try to let other people do things and not be a control freak. Also, if any of you get time, look at my photography blog I set up. I linked it to my page on the side with all the other blogs I follow. Leave me some comments if you want, I'd love it!!  It's not finished, Istill have quite a few more pictures to put up.

Lydi

Christmas Time!!

It has been quite a week! We are trying to make it through the season. It has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I knew it would be hard going through all of this without him, but I had no idea all the sadness and pain it would bring to the surface. This time last year, We were in the hospital, still in ICU and waiting for him to breathe. I had no idea this was where we would be in a year. So much has happened and God has done so much. I am so thankful for the seven months we got to have with him after December and I am missing him terribly. I am wanting to buy him things for Christmas and get him dressed up for pictures, but he's not here. It is the hardest realization to have as a mom. I decided that we are going to still buy presents in his name and then take them to Jim Thorpe where he had his therapy. It is nice to find things that would have helped with his sensory stuff and things for kids with vision problems and know that they are going to gain from what we have lost. I think that if there was any consolation in any of this, it would be that there are many people who are seeing God in the middle of our pain. Thank you all for continuing to pray for us. This is by far the hardest part we have walked through yet. Remember this Christmas how precious your sweet kids are and how blessed you are to have them still here with you. We are remembering that about Court and little Jett that is coming. God is still good!

Lydi 

P.S. These are some pictures from our New York trip. This is the day we went to Niagra Falls, (the American Side)

One Year Ago Today

One year ago this morning, I woke up to ice all over the trees and ground. It covered everything. My sisters had stayed the night with us, so they were there. Rocky stayed home from work because everything around us was closed up. Offices closed and no one was out on the roads. Rocky drove over to Molly's to follow her over to our house so the kids could play and we weren't all shut in alone. My mom was in Missouri because her sister had just had twins. My dad came over and we were trying to figure out how we were going to get my mom's Christmas present all worked out. My brother and Cat came after awhile and we laid Bryson and Jace down for a nap.  It was a very normal, out of the ordinary day. We checked on the boys and laid Kya and Courtlynn down in Court's bed. We played Scattergories (which I hate now) and listened to the girls talk on the monitor. I remember the day like it was yesterday and I think maybe I will forever. I have gone back over it time and time again in my mind, wishing I had done this or that. I know that it will never change and what's done is done. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that when I woke up that morning, I got him out of bed and he was smiling at me and laughing for the first time. He was happy and chubby and beautiful. When I laid him down for his nap, he had smiled at  me right before he fell asleep. Our life was perfect. I had actually thought that a lot over those days leading up to December 10th. Now it is the darkest day of my life. It is full of shattered hopes and dreams. Full of memories of hopelessness and dread and wondering if I was ever going to get to hold him again. I had no idea where my life was headed that morning. The hardest part for me, though, is neither did Jace. His momma had just laid him down for a nap and when he woke up, he was intubated and laying on a cold table in a hospital room. He was also getting ready to slip into a coma that would change him completely. This world is evil and devoid of hope. It is angry and does all it can to lash back at its Creator. It is so evident that we live in such a fallen world. Especially when something like this happens. He was just a sweet, innocent little boy that knew only almost four months of this world. It is unspeakable that this happened and it happened to my little boy. He just stopped breathing in his sleep and our whole lives fell apart. I am still trying to pick up the pieces. I think they will always be broken but I think it makes them more beautiful. I'm gonna close with the words of the song from Natalie Grant. It sums up where we are today and how we made it through that hospital stay and a mom and dads worst nightmare.

"Two months is too little. They let him go they had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued? what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares. We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live, its unfair. 

This is what it means to be held, How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness we want to taste it, let the  hatred melt our sorrow. The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning.  Can we not wait for one hour watching for our savior?

This is  what it means to be held.

Thankful

Well. It has been a hard week to say the least. We enjoyed our Thanksgiving but it was very obvious how empty things were and how sad we were. We miss him so very much. It is more evident every day how incomplete our family feels. We are holding on so tightly to Jesus and trusting Him for our next breath. 

As I thought about thankfulness this week, I realized that my idea of what it means to be blessed has changed so much. I used to think that blessed meant that if I did what I was supposed to, that my life would be full of all the blessings of wealth and happiness and I would never be touched by anything tragic. I have learned through this journey we are on, that to be blessed is in fact very different. To be blessed, to me means to be so much more aware of the deep, wide and high love that my Jesus has for me. To be blessed means to me that I am asked and desired by the Creator of the universe to be a part of His family and to one day be reunited with my precious Jace. I have also learned that earthly blessings are so much more simple than I thought they were. That they are having precious time with the people you love, and learning how to appreciate that time as much as possible. Learning to drink in the moments that are so short and fast lived and to praise our Father in the middle of it all. I believe that a life colored with sorrow and pain makes a very beautiful portrait if you allow it to. I am learning to lay me down at the foot of the cross and choose to trust the God of Creation every day with every moment. 

We are leaving for New York in the morning. Please pray for a safe drive and for safety especially for little Jett in my belly. We are reminded again that we planned this trip while Jace was still here and that he is now not going with us. Pray for comfort and that God would do what he desires to do in our family this week. Love you all. We'll be home Tuesday!!

 "Lead me to the cross, Where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me, Lead me to the cross!" I love you Jesus

Lydi

How Beautiful the Blood

Jace's headstone came in last week and they got it set in the ground. We went by Sunday to see if it was there and it was. It looks absolutely beautiful. I find myself wondering what I was expecting from this little bit of closure. I sure don't feel any better about anything. But, this part of me is just so glad to have his name and picture there where we said goodbye to the little body we took care of so fervently. I don't know if those red curls and those big blue eyes will greet me in heaven or if he will look totally different and I will only recognize him by his irreplaceable little spirit. I miss that little face and that beautiful hair. I'm sure he will look the same but completely different all at the same time. It was perfect timing that the headstone came in when it did. I didn't want to do Thanksgiving and Christmas with an unmarked grave. I went out there today and took some pictures. I put one where I hadn't decorated it so you could see how beautiful it looked without the glare on it. Then I put one with the flowers I put out and the Christmas tree that his sister helped me decorate. 

At church on Sunday, we sang "How Beautiful the Blood." We sang that song at Jace's funeral and since then it has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am so indebted to my precious Jesus. It takes my breath away to think about how much he loves me, that He spilled his beautiful blood, that I might be reunited with my precious baby boy when this life is over. If it weren't for my Jesus, I would never see that precious treasure again. Thankful doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about Jesus. I am walking with Him through this terribly hard journey and knowing that He has never forsaken me. I am not alone and the best part is, I am FREE to have a deep, intimate relationship with my creator. All because of Jesus Christ! Thank you Jesus for the amazing way you love me and my family. 

We are gearing up for Thanksgiving this week. Pray for us, we miss him so badly. Pray that we will let God heal our hearts through this holiday and that he will be able to accomplish His purpose this week. Pray for peace and strength as we do this first Thanksgiving without him. We are thankful for all of our wonderful friends that love and support us through this really hard time!! We love you all!

Lydi

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!

Okay! We had our ultrasound this morning and it was really long. She was very thorough and she made sure she could see everything. We are probably going to go back and see if we can see few things a little better but, we are having a BOY!!! He definitely has a little extra part of anatomy! We are really excited. We are praying that we know just how to handle all of this emotionally and it does make things a little different to know that it's a boy. We are praying against the enemy trying to lie to us and get us to compare or make us feel like we are replacing him. Nothing could ever replace that precious little man. I know that it will just continue the healing process in such a unique way. We are so thankful for this little guy growing inside of me and praying that he will be whole and healthy, but more that anything, he will be just who God intended him to be. Just like Jace was. We miss him so very much. We know he is celebrating with us today and so excited about his new baby brother. We are trying to decide between Jett Richard and Jett Rocky. We know we love Jett and we know we want the boys initials to be the same. It will be a sweet tribute to Jace, I think. Anyway, let me know which one you like better. Love you all!

Lydi 

Really fast. We are actually getting ready for bed. We were supposed to have our ultrasound on December 1st but I went in today because I was having some trouble with my thoughts running away with me and so I went to hear the baby's heartbeat. It was perfect, 151. Anyway, Dr. Hall asked me if I wanted to have my ultrasound this week. She knows I have been stressing a lot and she said if it would make me feel better, that I could have it early. I said  of course!! So, long story short, I have my ultrasound at 9 in the morning!! I will have to post tomorrow afternoon while Court is napping and let you all know!! 

Lydi

Happy Birthday Court!!!

Today is Courtlynn's third birthday! We had a wonderful day. Rocky takes off work for all of our birthdays and we just celebrate the whole day. We got up this morning and went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. We ate and looked around the store then went to the mall and played mini golf. Court played for a long time at the playground at the mall. We got her a special jewelry box that has a dancer inside and plays a sweet little song. We got her that from her Bubba. She is missing him a lot lately and we thought it would be good for her to have a present from him. Just for her to know that he knows today is her birthday and that he still thinks about her. That he is still real and he is really with Jesus. It was really good for her! We ate dinner at Pei Wei, her choice, and then we came home and had a cookie cake from Eileen's! We watched the new Tinkerbell movie she got for her birthday. It was a really fun day.

She had her birthday party at Pump it Up on saturday with her friend Kya. It was so fun. They had been looking forward to it for so long and they were exhausted when it was finally over! She, of course, got way too many toys and is just having a ball with all of her new things! 

We are so thankful for the weekend and the blessing of having her here with us. We are so much more aware of how quickly life can change and how awesome it is to be able to have another day to love on your family and friends! We are missing our little man and thinking about all the fun things he is doing with Jesus. God is Good!

Lydi

Makeup!

Okay so its been a week since I updated. I have been running crazy trying to get all the stuff together to close on the house in two weeks. Its pretty crazy that we are closing that soon and that Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner. 

Its been a pretty hard week. My friend Kacie's little boy had open heart surgery on the 10th. He is only 5 months old. We have been praying for him and praying that the Lord will work through this surgery to completely heal him. It was hard to see the pictures she put up of him intubated and in that big bed looking so tiny. They went back to the PICU after the surgery and they were right next door to the room Jace was in. It was so crazy all the memories that brought back. They are very blessed to have their little boy still, but they have a long road of healing ahead. They still need a lot of prayers!

It still seems really overwhelming that Thanksgiving is coming and that I have no control over how life just keeps moving. I have been listening to this song by Little Big Town, (they are a country group), called Lost. There is a part where he says, "While I'm still the world goes 'round so free, so cavalier." I feel like that a lot these days. I know that its just part of the whole process. I ache to hold him and smell his little smell.....

Well, sorry that my blog is so sad. its helping me to journal it though and work through the messy grief. I thought I'd end on a little lighter note. These are pictures of Court's new favorite thing to do. She comes in first thing in the morning and puts on my lipstick and eyeshadow. So far the only eye color she has found is blue.... Yikes. I'm not sure where she gets it considering that I don't wear makeup very much at all! Oh well! She's pretty cute huh?

Lydi

P.S. I just remembered I was going to tell everyone that I've been feeling the baby move a BUNCH. Just thought I'd share that little bit of exciting news! Love you all!

15 weeks today!

I had my appointment this morning at 9:45.  I got to take court with me this time and it was really fun. The nurse, I remember from Jace, has a hard time finding the heart rate early in the pregnancy. She tried for at least 10 minutes (or it felt like that long). She couldn't find it and had to send Dr. Hall right in to find it. She found it in about 3 seconds!!  It was right down on the left where I have been feeling movement so I guess that confirms that that is my little punkin that I've been feeling!!! It's crazy that I am already past my first trimester and well on my way!! We are having our ultrasound on Monday, December 1st. We will know right before we head out on our trip to New York. (We are driving to New York on December 2nd because Rocky is in his best friends wedding in Rochester on December 5th.)

Court is really excited and says that she is having a little sister. She is absolutely sure that its a girl. I guess we'll see in about 3 weeks!!! Talk to everyone soon!!

Lydi

More Changes!!

WOW! It has been a crazy couple of weeks. I put some pictures up of the Storybook Forest this year and I'm going to put some of her in her costume as soon as I can get the pictures loaded. We actually bought a house last week. We found a house in Seminole Point and we were advised by a some of our friends in the housing business that we should go ahead and buy before the end of the year. I guess they are getting ready to come down really hard on mortgage companies and its going to be hard to get a loan and stuff starting in January. We are closing on November 30th and they are staying there until December 30th, so they are paying the first house payment. We will probably move all of our stuff in on December 31st, but we are painting so we'll wait to set everything up until we get it all painted. 

I have my appointment on Friday morning and I will find out when I can have my BIG ultrasound to find out what we are having. It should be in the next couple of weeks. Its crazy that its already time to fin out. I am 15 weeks along on Friday. We are really excited that we'll be in the new house before the baby comes and be able to get everything all ready. 

I am getting everything all ready for Christmas. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. We're setting our tree up tonight because we won't be able to leave it up for very long after Christmas. It is really strange to be doing all of our traditions and know that Jace won't be here. It's crazy how the pain changes from day to day. Sometimes, we miss him so bad that it takes our breath away. And other times it just aches so deep that we can hardly concentrate on anything else. I can't believe how badly I miss him and how incomplete we feel now. I guess that will probably never change. We know that he will get to have his 2nd Christmas with Jesus. I'm sure he will just be sitting in His lap all day. I know it will be better than any Christmas he could have had here. It doesn't change how much I wish he were here with me though. 

I'll let everyone know Friday night or Saturday when the ultrasound will be. We'll see!!

Lydi

Hi everyone! 

Sorry it has been so long. We have had a pretty busy couple of weeks. We went to the pumpkin patch on Sunday. It was a sweet time. We missed Jace so very much. It definitely brought back a lot of memories, but they were really sweet ones. We also went to the Storybook Forest with Molly and David on Monday night. We did that last year with all of our kids. Molly has Kya that is 1 day older than Courtlynn and Bryson that is 3 weeks older than Jace. We went to the Storybook Forest last year together too. Jace was 8 weeks old and Bryson was 11 weeks. It was such a fun night and felt so complete to have all of our kids together. We thought it only fitting to all go together again this year. It was really hard to not have Jace there with us this time. I feel pretty lost sometimes and like I want to just stop people and tell them that I have two kids, its just that one is no longer here with me. Its pretty crazy, though how God uses Bryson in my life. It was so sweet to see him walking around and eating his candy. He was wearing Jace's coat that was supposed to be for him this winter. I found it while Molly and my mom and sisters were helping me clean out his room when we were officially moving out. I thought Bryson needed to have it since Jace couldn't wear it. Bryson was wearing it and he kept falling down and face planting on the ground because it was so puffy. Just watching him, I could almost see what Jace would have looked like. I think God arranged it that way. I think if I will let Him, He wants to use Max and Bryson to ease that ache a little. I know there are times when it is good for me to be around the boys, and times that I just can't.  I'm learning that I can't expect too much out of myself. My good friend told me today that I am mourning and that I need to remember that. I need to not push myself to do things if I feel like I can't right now. The Lord is revealing himself to us in incredible ways and I am more and more convinced of how real his love is for me. Love you all

Lydi

P.S. Here are pictures of our sweet boys last year at the Storybook Forest. 

I just wanted to tell everyone about last night. I was going through the tapes from our video camera over the past couple of years. We bought the camcorder after Court was born after we borrowed Bobbi and Jason's to tape her birth. We found, about two months ago, a tape of Jace in his excersaucer that my precious friend Nichole Brewer let me borrow. It was taped the DAY before he quit breathing during his nap the first time in December. He LOVED that toy. My favorite memories of him in it are when I would look at him from the back while he was leaned forward looking so intently at his toys and his little fat neck had that roll in the back.. I loved that. Any way, after we found that video, I started slowly looking at other ones. It was so special to have those pieces of him captured in action! We found one last night that is so very special. The very beginning of the tape was his dedication day on Mother's day morning! It was so awesome to watch everyone praying for him and for our family. My very best friend Molly was standing next to me with both of her kids and we were just standing together giving them back to the Lord. That is how it was supposed to be their whole lives. They were all gonna grow up together and be best friends, or so we thought. I just loved that that was captured on video. It is so very precious to me.  

 Right after his dedication, his sister is laying next to him on the floor like she did all the time. She is singing Jesus loves me to him so he won't cry anymore. She keeps leaning down and kissing his little mouth. While it was playing last night, She kept running her little fingers over his face on the screen. She is feeling it too. That deep, unquenchable desire just to touch him again and feel him. It was pretty awesome to think of how thankful I am that I charged that video camera and got it out even when it was kind of a hassle. God is so good to us to let us have little things like that to help us remember the things we loved so very much about him! We love you Jesus!

Lydi

Its been quite a weekend. We have been pretty busy with birthday parties and planning our fall outings. We are trying to plan a trip to the pumpkin patch this week before all the pumpkins are gone! It's another one of those things I am finding myself having to do so very often. We are making a new memory and trying to figure out a good way to keep the happy one from last year stuck in our hearts forever! We are missing him more and more as the days wear on. Last year at this time we were blissfully happy! We had not a care in the world and all of our dreams and hopes were still intact. We are understanding now how permanent all of this is. When I think of the pumpkin patch, I can remember how Jace felt up next to me in the sling I was carrying him in. He slept the whole time. It was pretty cold last year and I just tried to keep him all bundled up. He is such a treasure to us. He brought us so much joy while he was here with us. It's hard to think that we're going to have Thanksgiving and Christmas this year and not have him with us. Last year's Thanksgiving was so special and we have so many good memories of letting him taste the food and smiling and laughing with him. Pray for us as we venture out to the pumpkin patch this year. Our hearts are so heavy and we are wondering how we are going to make it through the season. We believe that God is so good and that his Faithful hand will continue to hold us tightly as long as we choose to hold tightly to Him! We know that we are deeply blessed for getting to be a part of his amazing little life!! Thank you guys for praying for us!

Lydi

So Sorry!! I went to the doctor on Thursday but I haven't gotten on to write because I've been so tired. I guess that is all part of the first trimester stuff! Everything went great at the doctor. The baby's heart rate was 168! I'm sure that doesn't mean anything but who knows! We are definitely getting more and more excited. We miss Jace so much right now. I do agree with some of my friends that have lost their babies, that it sure doesn't seem to get easier. I'm sure you just get used to feeling kind of lost and not sure what to do some days. I know when the baby comes, I'll be pretty busy and I know that will be of some comfort. It is just so strange to be living every day without the little boy that I carried inside for me and took care of all the time. It has been hard this week to be around our friends and family that Jace was supposed to grow up with. Its been bittersweet I guess to watch their boys play and laugh and dance!! It makes me sad, but it makes me happy that he is doing that too. I only wish I could watch him!! I have loved getting to hold the boys and Max, my nephew, is a very good little snuggler. It does sort of help heal a little part of that. And its so strange how it can almost make me feel bad that I'm getting to hold them and not my sweet little boy. But I know that is just a part of the whole process. I know Rock is a little concerned about me because I'm feeling a lot more sad. But I know that its because we are starting all of our holiday festivities and I HATE that we are doing it without him. I know there is nothing we can do, but I just wish this time of the year just wasn't coming right now. Please just pray for us because it sure is getting hard to go into the holidays and know that just the three of us are celebrating together this year. This picture is what I keep remembering. Its a happy memory, but all of those are now tinged with sadness. I hope it makes you guys smile. This was one year ago on October 31st! We love you guys!

Lydi

I told everyone I had another ultrasound last Friday and I just haven't had time to put the picture on. I thought you all might like to see it. The baby grew almost twice its size in 11 days!! Its amazing so here it is. I have another doctor's appointment on the 9th of October so I'll let you all know how that goes! Thank you Jesus for our sweet,  healthy baby.

Eventually I'm going to get a little better at being more regular with this. We moved into an apartment last weekend and then we have been working non stop to make it feel like a home. At least for a little while while we are here. Its pretty weird starting a new chapter of our life and not having our little man here with us. We are trying to adjust to the feeling of someone missing. It is a constant companion of ours. The Lord has really worked everything out for us this week. We closed on our house Friday. We are no longer the owners of our Tanglewood home. That was harder than I had imagined it would be also. We found out we were pregnant with him there and we were so excited for him to come and got his room all ready. That was where our lives changed forever and while there are so many memories there that are dark and awful, there are sweet ones there as well. It showed us , though, that those memories will always be a part of us. We are forever changed and wouldn't want to be the same. We got to see the baby again on Friday too. We had another ultrasound for my peace of mind. Everything is going very smoothly. It has been a week of remembering and looking back. We are learning how to look at the past without staying there. We are learning to look to the future, but our hopes are so different. We have new expectancies and new dreams for our family. I have been listening to a song a lot lately by Sara Groves. It says: All I have need of, His hand will provide. He's always een faithful to me. I can't remember a trial or a pain He did not recycle to bring me gain. I can't remember a single regret in serving God only, and trusting His plan. He's Always been faithful to me. .... God has been faithful, He will be again. His loving compassion, it knows to end. All I have need of, His hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me.
He is definitely holding us closer than ever before, but I think its because we are letting Him... He loves us so very much and I will never doubt it again. He will always walk beside us!! I have never loved Him more! We know that we will always miss our Jace. He is a part of our family that is missing until we are reunited with him. We also know that God is good. He has been faithful, and He will be again!!

Baby number three!!

Well, Sorry its taken me a little while. Its been a little bit crazy this week. We had our ultrasound yesterday morning and everything looks great. We have a healthy baby!! I am seven weeks and five days tomorrow! It feels pretty crazy that life keeps moving even though such a huge part of me is not here anymore. I never thought life could move forward without my precious boy, but it is. It seems a little cruel sometimes, but God is showing us so much more every day how very much he loves us. We know he gave us this baby to help us to heal. We know that the baby will remind us of Jace and help us to remember how very ALIVE he is in heaven. We miss him more all the time, and yet the little things that we loved so dearly about him are so comforting to remember. It does help to write, even if people don't read it that often!! We are closing on our house on the 26th!! We'll get to move out of mom and dad's house and have our own place again. It has been so good for us to live here for this part of the healing process, but God's timing is perfect and it is definitely time to be out on our own again! Hopefully i'll talk to you all soon!! We move to our apartment on Monday so I'll let everyone know how it all goes!! 

Love ya, Lydi

" Let us hold tightly to the hope we affirm, For God can be trusted to keep his promise" Hebrews 10:23

Ok, so I'm gonna try this for a little while and see how it goes. I think it may be a good way to continue through this grieving process. As most of you know, baby number three is coming into the Campbell fam. I go to the doctor on monday so I'll let everyone know after the ultrasound how everything looks.

Love, Lydi