Tuesday, August 18, 2009

2nd Birthday 8-14-09

Ok guys. It has definitely been awhile...
Needless to say, it has been a hard couple of months. Jace's Second birthday was Friday. It has also been a week of milestones for us. Jett, today, is officially older than Jace was when we found him not breathing that awful December night. It has been almost hard to breathe the closer these days have gotten. I can't believe that Jace would have been two. I watch my sweet nephew and my sweet Bryson and I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to watch Jace walk around like that. If he would have still been so chubby? If there would be anything he was so attached to like Max and his blankie? How would he have interacted with his sister and what would it have been like to watch them play together. Words cannot express to you all how deep the ache is in my heart just to know those things. I continue to ask God to help me to hand these things to Him. I take them back so often, but He is so gently and tenderly showing me how much He wants to hold on to them for me. He holds his hands out and gently urges me to place my sweet Jace there. To trust that he is so very well looked after and that he is unspeakably happy. There are no words really to tell you all what God is and has been to me... He has loved me so perfectly on this journey and is continuing to hold me and anchor me in the middle of so much hurt and anger and things I just do not understand. I have looked through pictures so much this past week and just wondered.. And today I am having to make the choice again, to put those things in God's care and TRUST. It is becoming and minute by minute decision I am having to make. I am making peace with the fact that it will probably be this way indefinitely. I am learning what it means to live a life completely dependent on the Lover of my Soul and the HEALER of my heart! I love you my baby Jace! You will be part of us forever. I can't wait to see you and Jesus! Happy Birthday sweet angel baby.

"Though you're gone, you're still here in my heart, in my tears. Yeah, you sure left your mark and we were just getting started. It wasn't long enough together but it was long enough to last forever." -Rascal Flatts

"In the end, its not the years in your life that count, Its the life in your years.."
-Abraham Lincoln

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