The weight of all of it is so hard to carry so often.. I can't hold it all at once. I I wish that I was better at letting all of you in on what God is doing in our hearts and where we are in our journey of grief…. This road that so many travel. we have learned how to have grace for people I could never have had grace for. I have learned how to walk alongside someone without offering them answers. I have learned how to grieve in so many different seasons and that grieving looks so different in different places of the journey. I have learned that this journey has no end here on earth. That I will heal. I will find joy unspeakable in things again. i will dream again. I will actively hope again, instead of hoping like a person clinging to the anchored rope in the middle of a storm in the ocean. I have learned that the Gospel is more than I ever thought. Not a guide book for me or a map to follow, but a Living, Breathing presence that brings life to my spirit. That when I ask him with my will truly submitted to His will, He will answer me with a love so rich and deep and strong. He takes my breath away. Oh the Blood that washes me…
This morning I woke up and opted out of getting up to face the world. I gave in to my selfishness and stayed in bed until 10;45. I have so many feelings about this day. So many memories and words fall desperately short of ex[plaining all the things that swirl thru my heart and mind on this day. I miss him. ii wish I could even just dream of holding him again. Of feeling and smelling and sleeping with him. The way my heart would swell with love and contentment just feeling him breathing next to me. I miss him so so much. But even in my cowardice to face the day, I awoke to text messages from the ones who love me. Verses from the Word that soothe and calm the hurt, words that brought hope and a sweetness knowing that no one has forgotten. The best part today though was the part of one of my favorite songs that the Lord reminded me of first thing before I got out of bed. "By the means of Grace and the hope of Glory." It was an answer to the question my wounded heart asks every time one of these days comes around. THe question, "How will I make it through today? How will I live and love you and bring you praise in the midst of this crushing pain?" aNd that is HIs beautiful answer to me… "By the means of grace and the hope of glory. How glorious is the Blood? That He has made a way? For me? For my wounds and my suffering… Through His wounds and His suffering. The Grace that He purchased with His precious blood. To HIM be the glory for that. To HIM be the glory for me getting up at all today. For me being a mom and a wife and a lover of Jesus in the midst of such pain. What a miracle it is….
By the means of grace and the hope of Glory,
"By the means of grace and the hope of glory
All Mighty God, Father of all mercy,
we give you thanks. for all your goodness,
and how you love us. we give you thanks…"
-All Sons and Daughters