Three years ago today, my whole life as I knew it, ended. I woke up in the morning one person, and that night went to sleep (for an hour, maybe) someone else entirely. I will never be able to truly put into words what happened to our family that day. What happened to my heart..... I ache for just a glimpse of what it used to feel like before that horrible day in December. I'm praying that someday, this day won't hold so much anxiety, and fear, and hopeless feelings like it does today. But I'm also learning that I can't rush the process. I know that, at the end of the day, My sweet Jesus loves me more than I could ever hope to have been loved and He isn't rushing me. I'm coming to grips this week with the realization that I will NEVER be that carefree, optimistic, happy-go-lucky girl that gave birth to Jace Richard Campbell. She is still there, bits and pieces of her... I'm learning that that's ok. Life has changed me... And in many ways, I'm so glad that I have experienced the depth, and width, and height of His sweet love for me in a way that only someone who has lost a child can. I know His love in a totally different way this December 10th morning, than I did this very morning 3 years ago. How I wish that I could hold him and feed him again. How I ache for his stinky baby boy smell and his big, bright smile. How it hurts to think of the devestation that ravaged our family after this day 3 years ago..... I will always wish that things had turned out differently. I will always want him back, I'm convinced. I'm going to write the words to my favorites song right now. It says exactly how I feel about this day 3 years ago and I LOVE the very end and the HOPE she is CLINGING to... That is where I am, even now, some days. Life does move forward, as it should, but there will always be a huge hole that Jace left in my heart. And that scar never dissappears fully. And I am so glad....
Crows and Locusts
Brooke Fraser
Daddy don't cry, It'll be alright.
She puts some water on the wound, and hums a little tune while
her courage puddles on the ground, pooling, pooling
See the murder and the swarm descend
and the night is getting thick, the moon turning her tricks
she'll betray you every time
It was the year, the crows and the locusts came
the fields drank dry the rain.
the fields are bleeding
it was the age, the foxes came for the fields.
we were bleeding as we bowed to kneel, prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy
The rumble is low and the heat is high,
got a feeling that there's rain out in the oil black sky
gonna chase away the devil when that sun does rise
gonna plead the blood, gonna plead the blood
t was the year, the crows and the locusts came
the fields drank dry the rain.
the fields are bleeding
it was the age, the foxes came for the fields.
we were bleeding as we bowed to kneel, prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy
She limps on up to the top of a mound,
looks at the faltered harvest
feels her sweat on her brow and the burn in her nose
and the knowing in her gut somethings still gonna grow
she ain't leavin til it does
What can wash away my sin,
nothin but the blood.....
What can make me WHOLE again,
nothin but the blood......
The last verse is where I want to stay on these days that are so hard... I believe Jesus and the promise that He will finish the work he started in me. I remember that clinging... that almost ridiculous hope that we held so tightly to through all the darkness and despair. And all these years later, and the things that have transpired since that wretched day, I can still say, My PAPA God is STILL good. and He still holds my world in his hands.
Lydi
