Monday, September 21, 2009

I've been HORRIBLE about updating! There have been so many things going on here! My sister left two weeks ago. My brother officially made it safely to Iraq... Those are just a couple. I just thought I'd kind of journal about what God has been doing in us, but especially me this last few weeks. My sweet Jesus has been working with me for a very long time on learning to trust Him again with my kids! I feel like a huge turning pint for me was Christine Caine's message a couple sundays ago. She talked about being safe and trying to keep everything in it's nice little place and keep it all from getting hurt or messed up. I realized for the first time in a long time that that is where I have been. I'm still so confused and broken about what happened to my precious Jace and our little family that I have found it next to impossible to entrust my children to Him again. I think that a lot of it has to do with claiming the healing for all those months only to wake up to an empty body next to me and a promise that I was still clinging to. It felt, deep down, like a promise that hadn't been kept. My understanding has deepened quite a bit... I realize that I've been focusing so much on why and what could I have done. I have definitely given myself far too much credit. I am learning very slowly that I can not ever protect and love my kids the way Jesus can. Also, Ia m swallowing the fact that , while it wasn't God's plan for Jace to hurt and ultimately die and early death, It was Jace's destiny to touch his little world the way he did. I am so proud to have gotten to be his momma! Jesus has been wooing me for awhile and urging me to put Courty in MDO just for one day a week. I believe just to perove his faithfuolness to me. The last straw was when Court asked me if she could go to school like Ella. That was all I needed. My awesome friends talked me through it and I enrolled her in Crossings. I also Have stopped nursing Jett. It was a such a hard decision, but my hormones have been wierd and I've been getting horrible migraines. I was afraid if I stopped, I'd be risking him getting the flu and sicknesses this season. God loved me through that too and helped me to see that I can trust him to keep my baby boy well, (and he even does a better job than me- shocking, I know) I know that the one thing I am working on understanding and grasping is that God does have a plan for my life. That he did take us out of eternity and put me here in this time for a specific reason. That He is the God over my fear and that GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD! And I am so thankful for that! Lydi

1 comment:

  1. I love you my Lydsie.. I am so proud of you. I can't believe that my Jesus would bless me with such an amazing sister! When I'm a mom, someday, I hope to be as genuine and dedicated as you are! You are such an example to me! Praying for you... we're doing this together.