I've been HORRIBLE about updating! There have been so many things going on here! My sister left two weeks ago. My brother officially made it safely to Iraq... Those are just a couple. I just thought I'd kind of journal about what God has been doing in us, but especially me this last few weeks. My sweet Jesus has been working with me for a very long time on learning to trust Him again with my kids! I feel like a huge turning pint for me was Christine Caine's message a couple sundays ago. She talked about being safe and trying to keep everything in it's nice little place and keep it all from getting hurt or messed up. I realized for the first time in a long time that that is where I have been. I'm still so confused and broken about what happened to my precious Jace and our little family that I have found it next to impossible to entrust my children to Him again. I think that a lot of it has to do with claiming the healing for all those months only to wake up to an empty body next to me and a promise that I was still clinging to. It felt, deep down, like a promise that hadn't been kept. My understanding has deepened quite a bit... I realize that I've been focusing so much on why and what could I have done. I have definitely given myself far too much credit. I am learning very slowly that I can not ever protect and love my kids the way Jesus can. Also, Ia m swallowing the fact that , while it wasn't God's plan for Jace to hurt and ultimately die and early death, It was Jace's destiny to touch his little world the way he did. I am so proud to have gotten to be his momma! Jesus has been wooing me for awhile and urging me to put Courty in MDO just for one day a week. I believe just to perove his faithfuolness to me. The last straw was when Court asked me if she could go to school like Ella. That was all I needed. My awesome friends talked me through it and I enrolled her in Crossings. I also Have stopped nursing Jett. It was a such a hard decision, but my hormones have been wierd and I've been getting horrible migraines. I was afraid if I stopped, I'd be risking him getting the flu and sicknesses this season. God loved me through that too and helped me to see that I can trust him to keep my baby boy well, (and he even does a better job than me- shocking, I know) I know that the one thing I am working on understanding and grasping is that God does have a plan for my life. That he did take us out of eternity and put me here in this time for a specific reason. That He is the God over my fear and that GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD! And I am so thankful for that! Lydi