Wednesday, February 25, 2009

It's been awhile

I know its been a long time since I updated. I have sat down a few times to type, but there just haven't been words. I have really been trying to sort out how I'm feeling about life in general lately. And I have to say, I still am not really sure. The Lord has been teaching me so much the past few weeks. He is really walking close to me trying to help me learn how to jump with Him and trust what the outcome will be. A good friend of mine has been telling me that you can only trust someone as well as you know them and I know that that is so true. I think before my precious little boy came into this world, my "trusting God" was really choosing not to think about the bad things that could happen. I think I was, as so many Christians are, under the impression that the cross made it impossible for bad things to happen to me. In the song "Held", by Natalie Grant, she says, "Who told us we'd be rescued, what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares. We are asking why this happens, to us who have died to live, its unfair. "
I'm realizing that the truth is not that we are safe from the evil world we were born into, but that we are safe in the arms of Jesus. That we are so unaware of how deep and wide and long his love is for us. I have not ever truly grasped the depth of the love that my savior has for me. I am learning, at least to try, to let go and jump with him. Knowing that whatever the outcome, I will be deep inside the overwhelming love of God. My kids are not my own and I am trying to trust Him with them too. The hardest part of that for me is letting go of all the questions that I still have for God concerning Jace. I have so many things that I just don't understand. I can only focus on them every once in awhile. The ache that I feel when I let my guard down and let myself think a lot about him is deeper than I could have ever thought possible. I can almost feel the way he felt in my arms but he is just out of reach for me. I know that it will never truly go away, but I am asking God to show me how to live the rest of this life he has for me in the rest and peace I know he wants for me to live in. I believe that what I am learning is that the key to living in that is truly grasping the depth of his love. 

1 comment:

  1. There is such peace in those moments when you can focus on the fact that your baby was created for God's joy and that He gave you an opportunity to watch over him on this earth until he returned home to his Creator. I don't believe that the answers will ever be clear. However, the one thing we can be certain of is that we were not meant for place, God has something so much better in store for us and our babies are already enjoying the paradise we so long for. What a blessing that they don't have to endure the evil of this world.