One year ago this morning, I woke up to ice all over the trees and ground. It covered everything. My sisters had stayed the night with us, so they were there. Rocky stayed home from work because everything around us was closed up. Offices closed and no one was out on the roads. Rocky drove over to Molly's to follow her over to our house so the kids could play and we weren't all shut in alone. My mom was in Missouri because her sister had just had twins. My dad came over and we were trying to figure out how we were going to get my mom's Christmas present all worked out. My brother and Cat came after awhile and we laid Bryson and Jace down for a nap. It was a very normal, out of the ordinary day. We checked on the boys and laid Kya and Courtlynn down in Court's bed. We played Scattergories (which I hate now) and listened to the girls talk on the monitor. I remember the day like it was yesterday and I think maybe I will forever. I have gone back over it time and time again in my mind, wishing I had done this or that. I know that it will never change and what's done is done. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that when I woke up that morning, I got him out of bed and he was smiling at me and laughing for the first time. He was happy and chubby and beautiful. When I laid him down for his nap, he had smiled at me right before he fell asleep. Our life was perfect. I had actually thought that a lot over those days leading up to December 10th. Now it is the darkest day of my life. It is full of shattered hopes and dreams. Full of memories of hopelessness and dread and wondering if I was ever going to get to hold him again. I had no idea where my life was headed that morning. The hardest part for me, though, is neither did Jace. His momma had just laid him down for a nap and when he woke up, he was intubated and laying on a cold table in a hospital room. He was also getting ready to slip into a coma that would change him completely. This world is evil and devoid of hope. It is angry and does all it can to lash back at its Creator. It is so evident that we live in such a fallen world. Especially when something like this happens. He was just a sweet, innocent little boy that knew only almost four months of this world. It is unspeakable that this happened and it happened to my little boy. He just stopped breathing in his sleep and our whole lives fell apart. I am still trying to pick up the pieces. I think they will always be broken but I think it makes them more beautiful. I'm gonna close with the words of the song from Natalie Grant. It sums up where we are today and how we made it through that hospital stay and a mom and dads worst nightmare.
"Two months is too little. They let him go they had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued? what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares. We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live, its unfair.
This is what it means to be held, How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness we want to taste it, let the hatred melt our sorrow. The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow.
This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.
If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our savior?
This is what it means to be held.