Moving and Painting!

Okay. Sorry it has been so long since I've updated! We have had so much to do the last couple of weeks and all of our spare time has been spent packing. It has actually gone really smoothly. We are going in the morning to paint the new house. Any of you who would like to join us are perfectly welcome to do so! The more the merrier!!  Anyway, As much as I love my precious Jesus, I am glad that Christmas has come and gone this year. It was all getting too overwhelming for me. It seems like it gets harder as the time passes, not easier. I will never be expecting anything about this to be easy, but I know that time changes things and it will be interesting to see what that means in our lives. I am feeling little Jett moving around ALL the time. He is much more active than either of the other kids and I am so very glad. I worry less about him because I can feel him most of the time. That is definitely the Lord, I think. Well, I will get back on here once we are in the new house and settled. Pray for safety as we move and that I will try to let other people do things and not be a control freak. Also, if any of you get time, look at my photography blog I set up. I linked it to my page on the side with all the other blogs I follow. Leave me some comments if you want, I'd love it!!  It's not finished, Istill have quite a few more pictures to put up.

Lydi

Christmas Time!!

It has been quite a week! We are trying to make it through the season. It has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I knew it would be hard going through all of this without him, but I had no idea all the sadness and pain it would bring to the surface. This time last year, We were in the hospital, still in ICU and waiting for him to breathe. I had no idea this was where we would be in a year. So much has happened and God has done so much. I am so thankful for the seven months we got to have with him after December and I am missing him terribly. I am wanting to buy him things for Christmas and get him dressed up for pictures, but he's not here. It is the hardest realization to have as a mom. I decided that we are going to still buy presents in his name and then take them to Jim Thorpe where he had his therapy. It is nice to find things that would have helped with his sensory stuff and things for kids with vision problems and know that they are going to gain from what we have lost. I think that if there was any consolation in any of this, it would be that there are many people who are seeing God in the middle of our pain. Thank you all for continuing to pray for us. This is by far the hardest part we have walked through yet. Remember this Christmas how precious your sweet kids are and how blessed you are to have them still here with you. We are remembering that about Court and little Jett that is coming. God is still good!

Lydi 

P.S. These are some pictures from our New York trip. This is the day we went to Niagra Falls, (the American Side)

One Year Ago Today

One year ago this morning, I woke up to ice all over the trees and ground. It covered everything. My sisters had stayed the night with us, so they were there. Rocky stayed home from work because everything around us was closed up. Offices closed and no one was out on the roads. Rocky drove over to Molly's to follow her over to our house so the kids could play and we weren't all shut in alone. My mom was in Missouri because her sister had just had twins. My dad came over and we were trying to figure out how we were going to get my mom's Christmas present all worked out. My brother and Cat came after awhile and we laid Bryson and Jace down for a nap.  It was a very normal, out of the ordinary day. We checked on the boys and laid Kya and Courtlynn down in Court's bed. We played Scattergories (which I hate now) and listened to the girls talk on the monitor. I remember the day like it was yesterday and I think maybe I will forever. I have gone back over it time and time again in my mind, wishing I had done this or that. I know that it will never change and what's done is done. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that when I woke up that morning, I got him out of bed and he was smiling at me and laughing for the first time. He was happy and chubby and beautiful. When I laid him down for his nap, he had smiled at  me right before he fell asleep. Our life was perfect. I had actually thought that a lot over those days leading up to December 10th. Now it is the darkest day of my life. It is full of shattered hopes and dreams. Full of memories of hopelessness and dread and wondering if I was ever going to get to hold him again. I had no idea where my life was headed that morning. The hardest part for me, though, is neither did Jace. His momma had just laid him down for a nap and when he woke up, he was intubated and laying on a cold table in a hospital room. He was also getting ready to slip into a coma that would change him completely. This world is evil and devoid of hope. It is angry and does all it can to lash back at its Creator. It is so evident that we live in such a fallen world. Especially when something like this happens. He was just a sweet, innocent little boy that knew only almost four months of this world. It is unspeakable that this happened and it happened to my little boy. He just stopped breathing in his sleep and our whole lives fell apart. I am still trying to pick up the pieces. I think they will always be broken but I think it makes them more beautiful. I'm gonna close with the words of the song from Natalie Grant. It sums up where we are today and how we made it through that hospital stay and a mom and dads worst nightmare.

"Two months is too little. They let him go they had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued? what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares. We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live, its unfair. 

This is what it means to be held, How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness we want to taste it, let the  hatred melt our sorrow. The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning.  Can we not wait for one hour watching for our savior?

This is  what it means to be held.

Thankful

Well. It has been a hard week to say the least. We enjoyed our Thanksgiving but it was very obvious how empty things were and how sad we were. We miss him so very much. It is more evident every day how incomplete our family feels. We are holding on so tightly to Jesus and trusting Him for our next breath. 

As I thought about thankfulness this week, I realized that my idea of what it means to be blessed has changed so much. I used to think that blessed meant that if I did what I was supposed to, that my life would be full of all the blessings of wealth and happiness and I would never be touched by anything tragic. I have learned through this journey we are on, that to be blessed is in fact very different. To be blessed, to me means to be so much more aware of the deep, wide and high love that my Jesus has for me. To be blessed means to me that I am asked and desired by the Creator of the universe to be a part of His family and to one day be reunited with my precious Jace. I have also learned that earthly blessings are so much more simple than I thought they were. That they are having precious time with the people you love, and learning how to appreciate that time as much as possible. Learning to drink in the moments that are so short and fast lived and to praise our Father in the middle of it all. I believe that a life colored with sorrow and pain makes a very beautiful portrait if you allow it to. I am learning to lay me down at the foot of the cross and choose to trust the God of Creation every day with every moment. 

We are leaving for New York in the morning. Please pray for a safe drive and for safety especially for little Jett in my belly. We are reminded again that we planned this trip while Jace was still here and that he is now not going with us. Pray for comfort and that God would do what he desires to do in our family this week. Love you all. We'll be home Tuesday!!

 "Lead me to the cross, Where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me, Lead me to the cross!" I love you Jesus

Lydi