Hi everyone! 

Sorry it has been so long. We have had a pretty busy couple of weeks. We went to the pumpkin patch on Sunday. It was a sweet time. We missed Jace so very much. It definitely brought back a lot of memories, but they were really sweet ones. We also went to the Storybook Forest with Molly and David on Monday night. We did that last year with all of our kids. Molly has Kya that is 1 day older than Courtlynn and Bryson that is 3 weeks older than Jace. We went to the Storybook Forest last year together too. Jace was 8 weeks old and Bryson was 11 weeks. It was such a fun night and felt so complete to have all of our kids together. We thought it only fitting to all go together again this year. It was really hard to not have Jace there with us this time. I feel pretty lost sometimes and like I want to just stop people and tell them that I have two kids, its just that one is no longer here with me. Its pretty crazy, though how God uses Bryson in my life. It was so sweet to see him walking around and eating his candy. He was wearing Jace's coat that was supposed to be for him this winter. I found it while Molly and my mom and sisters were helping me clean out his room when we were officially moving out. I thought Bryson needed to have it since Jace couldn't wear it. Bryson was wearing it and he kept falling down and face planting on the ground because it was so puffy. Just watching him, I could almost see what Jace would have looked like. I think God arranged it that way. I think if I will let Him, He wants to use Max and Bryson to ease that ache a little. I know there are times when it is good for me to be around the boys, and times that I just can't.  I'm learning that I can't expect too much out of myself. My good friend told me today that I am mourning and that I need to remember that. I need to not push myself to do things if I feel like I can't right now. The Lord is revealing himself to us in incredible ways and I am more and more convinced of how real his love is for me. Love you all

Lydi

P.S. Here are pictures of our sweet boys last year at the Storybook Forest. 

I just wanted to tell everyone about last night. I was going through the tapes from our video camera over the past couple of years. We bought the camcorder after Court was born after we borrowed Bobbi and Jason's to tape her birth. We found, about two months ago, a tape of Jace in his excersaucer that my precious friend Nichole Brewer let me borrow. It was taped the DAY before he quit breathing during his nap the first time in December. He LOVED that toy. My favorite memories of him in it are when I would look at him from the back while he was leaned forward looking so intently at his toys and his little fat neck had that roll in the back.. I loved that. Any way, after we found that video, I started slowly looking at other ones. It was so special to have those pieces of him captured in action! We found one last night that is so very special. The very beginning of the tape was his dedication day on Mother's day morning! It was so awesome to watch everyone praying for him and for our family. My very best friend Molly was standing next to me with both of her kids and we were just standing together giving them back to the Lord. That is how it was supposed to be their whole lives. They were all gonna grow up together and be best friends, or so we thought. I just loved that that was captured on video. It is so very precious to me.  

 Right after his dedication, his sister is laying next to him on the floor like she did all the time. She is singing Jesus loves me to him so he won't cry anymore. She keeps leaning down and kissing his little mouth. While it was playing last night, She kept running her little fingers over his face on the screen. She is feeling it too. That deep, unquenchable desire just to touch him again and feel him. It was pretty awesome to think of how thankful I am that I charged that video camera and got it out even when it was kind of a hassle. God is so good to us to let us have little things like that to help us remember the things we loved so very much about him! We love you Jesus!

Lydi

Its been quite a weekend. We have been pretty busy with birthday parties and planning our fall outings. We are trying to plan a trip to the pumpkin patch this week before all the pumpkins are gone! It's another one of those things I am finding myself having to do so very often. We are making a new memory and trying to figure out a good way to keep the happy one from last year stuck in our hearts forever! We are missing him more and more as the days wear on. Last year at this time we were blissfully happy! We had not a care in the world and all of our dreams and hopes were still intact. We are understanding now how permanent all of this is. When I think of the pumpkin patch, I can remember how Jace felt up next to me in the sling I was carrying him in. He slept the whole time. It was pretty cold last year and I just tried to keep him all bundled up. He is such a treasure to us. He brought us so much joy while he was here with us. It's hard to think that we're going to have Thanksgiving and Christmas this year and not have him with us. Last year's Thanksgiving was so special and we have so many good memories of letting him taste the food and smiling and laughing with him. Pray for us as we venture out to the pumpkin patch this year. Our hearts are so heavy and we are wondering how we are going to make it through the season. We believe that God is so good and that his Faithful hand will continue to hold us tightly as long as we choose to hold tightly to Him! We know that we are deeply blessed for getting to be a part of his amazing little life!! Thank you guys for praying for us!

Lydi

So Sorry!! I went to the doctor on Thursday but I haven't gotten on to write because I've been so tired. I guess that is all part of the first trimester stuff! Everything went great at the doctor. The baby's heart rate was 168! I'm sure that doesn't mean anything but who knows! We are definitely getting more and more excited. We miss Jace so much right now. I do agree with some of my friends that have lost their babies, that it sure doesn't seem to get easier. I'm sure you just get used to feeling kind of lost and not sure what to do some days. I know when the baby comes, I'll be pretty busy and I know that will be of some comfort. It is just so strange to be living every day without the little boy that I carried inside for me and took care of all the time. It has been hard this week to be around our friends and family that Jace was supposed to grow up with. Its been bittersweet I guess to watch their boys play and laugh and dance!! It makes me sad, but it makes me happy that he is doing that too. I only wish I could watch him!! I have loved getting to hold the boys and Max, my nephew, is a very good little snuggler. It does sort of help heal a little part of that. And its so strange how it can almost make me feel bad that I'm getting to hold them and not my sweet little boy. But I know that is just a part of the whole process. I know Rock is a little concerned about me because I'm feeling a lot more sad. But I know that its because we are starting all of our holiday festivities and I HATE that we are doing it without him. I know there is nothing we can do, but I just wish this time of the year just wasn't coming right now. Please just pray for us because it sure is getting hard to go into the holidays and know that just the three of us are celebrating together this year. This picture is what I keep remembering. Its a happy memory, but all of those are now tinged with sadness. I hope it makes you guys smile. This was one year ago on October 31st! We love you guys!

Lydi

I told everyone I had another ultrasound last Friday and I just haven't had time to put the picture on. I thought you all might like to see it. The baby grew almost twice its size in 11 days!! Its amazing so here it is. I have another doctor's appointment on the 9th of October so I'll let you all know how that goes! Thank you Jesus for our sweet,  healthy baby.