Five years ago today, I was sitting in a little room with glass doors. Listening to the beeping and whirring of machines that were sustaining the life of my tiny, baby boy. My baby boy that I couldn't even describe the bond I had with him when I had tried to just a few days earlier. My baby boy that had just been laughing and grinning at me just 24 hours before. My baby boy that I felt had completed our home and our family. I was sitting there looking at him. Watching the monitors, wishing I could see any glimpse of hope that we were going to make it out of this unscathed. But God in His mercy had other plans. I used to say that I didn't think I could ever get to a place where I could say this is "well with my soul." I have. I had a huge revelation from the God of the universe about my sweet man. And about life in general just the other day. It was this. God's mercy takes the bad, awful, horrible things that happen in my life and turn them into good for me. I love Him and am called according to His purpose. This is His promise to me. The problem is, Most of us (mere human beings born into sin) think we know what God's LOVE is supposed to look like. That was my mistake. I had this massive sense of entitlment. I should have been able to ask God to do what I wanted Him to do and He should have done it because I love him and I'm called according to His purpose. Now that I am walking with Him more closely, I am realizing that He never owed me anything. It was His gift to give me all of these children. And to be fair, they aren't even mine. They all belong to him. It's hard because I worked so hard to get then into this world and they look like me, but they are His. Jace is His. So are the rest of my children. I love the song "Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman. It has taken on new meaning for me as of late. My favorite part is when she says, "Grant us peace, Jesus grant us peace. Move our hearts to hear a single beat, between alibis and enemies tonight. But maybe not, not today. Peace might be another world away and if thats the case. We'll give thanks to you, with Gratitude for lessons learned in how to trust in you. That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream, in abundance or in need. and if you never grant us peace. But Jesus would you please?"
I pray that that is where my heart can stay. Submitted to His higher calling. Remembering that I belong to LOVE incarnate. And that it is not my place to say what it looks like for LOVE to love. I can't wait until the day I'm reunited with that tiny, chubby little man in eternity. Tucked away in safety and peace that will be never ending. Until then, God in His great mercy goes before me. And I will try always to tuck back under His wings and trust His heart for me.