Friday, July 1, 2011

3 years...

Today has been so strange. I had heard when I first began this journey of being a babylost momma, that you would have hard times and then realize that its because its a certain time of year or something.... I feel like so many times I feel as if I have forgotten so many things about him. I wish that all those special things would stay with me forever. Like how he smelled or how he felt in my arms, or how it felt when wrapped that one little arm around my shoulder when I held him. The truth is, I don't take the time to remember like I need to. It's just so hard to put it back when I get it all out and start to examine it. It makes me so tired and feel a hundred years old. I feel like someone else lived that life and had those horrible experiences and I was just a close bystander. Most of the time. But there are times that I get it all out and let myself feel it. I let myself remember the tube feedings, the long nights at the hospital just watching him breathe, the praying all hours of the day and night that I would just have enough faith for God to heal him, (and the anxiety and false burdens that lie brought with it). The fourth of July night that I held him and talked with our good friends forever after the fireworks about the hope I had for his full recovery. And then the feeding him that last cup of formula and laying him down right next to my heart. How he looked all curled up beside me and how effortlessly he drifted off to sleep, safe in momma's arms. The feeling of deep, aching sadness the next morning when the doctor came out with tears in his eyes to tell us there was nothing more he could do, he was just so sorry. The feeling of hurt and betrayal I had with God, but mostly myself for not having the faith I was supposed to have for Him to heal my son. And then the lifting of that burden as my Papa God took that lie from me and replaced it with the truth of who He is and where my Jace was now... and the comfort of my friends and my family that held us and carried us as we started down this dark, lonely road. The journey had begun... the journey of loss, and hope, and pain so deep it literally felt that I was broken, and trust in my Jesus that He knows my deepest fears and the deepest parts of my heart that even I am unfamiliar with. I began to know Him truly as my hiding place. I miss my Jace. That is where I am this year. I just miss him with everything in me. I wish so hard that I could touch his face, or rub his little feet again, help him eat or cheer him on while he tried so hard to relearn those things that come so naturally to everyone else.... I ache to hold him... physically ache. Sometimes I feel like I just need to hold him or I won't make it another day. But my sweet Papa God takes me though and we come out the other side. Sometimes it takes so much longer than I thought it would and other times we are there so fast. I just have thought so many times about the words to one of my favorite songs by Sara Groves. He is my hiding pace and fills my broken heart with songs. He sings of how the weak are strong. And He never meant for me to walk alone. He is always for me, as the truest lover of my soul. He hears my desperate calling, He has kept my feet from falling and He set me on this rock on which I'm standing now. I love that He will never leave me. I love that, when it comes down to it, that He never promised us that we wouldn't hurt. That that is just this world that we inherited. But that what His promise was was that when everything fell, we'd be held. That's all. And so very comforting to me...


Two months is too little,
They let him go,
They had no, sudden healing.
To think that Providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prayed
Its appalling.

Who told us, we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares?
We are asking why this happens
To us who have died to live
Its unfair.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from your lives
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know
That the promise was when everything fell,
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness,
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow
But the wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and TOMORROW

1 comment:

  1. Lydia girl....I love it that just when I think I am having a rough day your faith and love and real passion bring me right back down to earth. And I realize how truley blessed I am. But here I am laying here next to my amazing beautiful son in bed at 445 in the morning because I can't sleep...and realizing how blessed I am with a healthy boy. And I know for a fact that I take that for granted. I know that there are more than reasons why our friendship was re-united. As I lay here with tears literally falling off the sides of my face so much that it is hard to type, I literally ache for you right now in this moment and have for a very long time. But nothing compared to what you and rocky have felt and gone through. I can't even imagine and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. But lydia, when I think of you literally one word comes to mind first among many other beautiful things....strong. so strong. You have been a rock for me to look up to when I am feeling down.. more so than u know. I know its easy for others to look into your lives when they are not feeling the pain and say that they are there for you....but I truly adore you and honor your strength. Both you and rocky. U hold my head up high when at the end of the day all I want to do is hang it. I love you girl. Very much. And I am here for you. Your faith in God is an inspiration to me. I look up to you both as well as many others do. I am so sure of it. Thank you for your friendship. And you will get to hold your heart again...I promise. The day that Jesus holds you close to his....that one day that we are no longer slaves to this world. We will be with him in paradise. And I will someday get the chance to meet a healthy, active, smiling, laughing little boy named Jace. I love you girl

    Casey jay