What it did for me was help me to realize that, good or bad, I didn't believe at all what I used to believe. In fact, the only thing I was truly sure of was that I knew NOTHING about ANYTHING. And I love living my life here. It gave my Papa the opportunity to sweep in and hold me tight. There was no pride. No image to uphold. No need to appear strong or like I had it all together. Just complete brokenness. And oh, how He loves loving us that way. One thing that I feel like changed in Rocky and I was almost immediately, we realized that true humility, and intimacy with Him, says that I don't know His ways or what He is doing. That I so deeply wish I could see the big picture, but I cannot. And because of this, our trusting Him is truly the only place we ever find peace.
I feel like my heart has been so heavy lately because I believe that God still does miracles and I feel like He heals to earthly restoration. But I also feel like it's unfair how Christians make formulas for things and they are all supposed to turn out the same way because it has worked in the past. I am up in the air about how I feel about prayer. I believe that, at least right now, prayer serves only one purpose and its to have intimacy with the One who made my heart and knows it better than anyone. I feel that He is gently showing me that I can ask Him for things again. But with a heart that says, "but even if you don't , I still believe that You are good. Because I know that YOU LOVE ME. and that is all that truly matters." That was not the way Rocky and I were encouraged to pray when our Jace was sick. We were encouraged to DECLARE the word over him and DECLARE that God would come through in just the way we wanted Him to. And I'm here to say today, He didn't. He came through. He rescued us. But it was not at all what we had pictured. Or what we had DECLARED. I just know that the wounds we have from that journey are many and far-reaching. They have changed us. It shook our faith right down to the very core. And on the other side, I met a God that is unlike anything I ever could have hoped for. HE LOVES ME. And my deepest desire now is to really comprehend the magnitude of what that really means.
"Send some rain, would you send some rain?
Because the earth is dry and needs to drink again,
The sun is high and we are sinking in the shade.
Would you send a cloud, thunder low and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down,
Surely you can see that we are thirsty and afraid.
But maybe not, not today.
Maybe you'll provide in other ways,
And if that's the case...
We'll give thatnks to you,
For lessons learned in how to thirst for you
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If you never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cup, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber, safe from dangers with you this time.
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe you'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case....
We'll give thanks to you, with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after you
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is over head
And if we never taste that bread...
O the differences that often are between, everything we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus grant us peace,
Move our heart to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe you've provided other ways
And if that's the case
We'll give thanks to you with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if you never grant us peace.
But Jesus, would you please......"
-Gratitude (Nichole Nordeman)