Saturday, August 27, 2011

My Thoughts...

Ok, I feel like this has been a long time coming. And let me first say that I have put it off because I never want to hurt anyone by the things that I share from my heart. I guess I should start by giving some background information. When my Jace quit breathing and was in the PICU, Rocky and I were introduced to what I call "praying for what we want and using God's word to say its promised to us" I know, long explanation, huh? The short of it, I guess, is that we so desperately wanted God to promise us that Jace was not going to die and that life would be back to the way it was, that that is what we made the bible say for us. All the promises that God put in his word, meant exactly what we wanted them to mean for our situation. So I guess you can probably figure out what happened next. The morning of July 5th, I woke up and Jace was no longer awake to this world. And so my anger with my Papa God began. I was so angry that He had "promised" me that by His stripes Jace was HEALED. He had "promised" me that the power that raised Christ from the dead was alive in me and all I had to was believe. I HAD believed. So much so that I was surprised every morning when I woke up and still had a little boy who couldn't smile anymore and had to try harder than anything just to eat his food. I woke up that morning and everything I had known about God and prayer was completely shattered and ruined. Which, I feel now, was a great place to be.
What it did for me was help me to realize that, good or bad, I didn't believe at all what I used to believe. In fact, the only thing I was truly sure of was that I knew NOTHING about ANYTHING. And I love living my life here. It gave my Papa the opportunity to sweep in and hold me tight. There was no pride. No image to uphold. No need to appear strong or like I had it all together. Just complete brokenness. And oh, how He loves loving us that way. One thing that I feel like changed in Rocky and I was almost immediately, we realized that true humility, and intimacy with Him, says that I don't know His ways or what He is doing. That I so deeply wish I could see the big picture, but I cannot. And because of this, our trusting Him is truly the only place we ever find peace.
I feel like my heart has been so heavy lately because I believe that God still does miracles and I feel like He heals to earthly restoration. But I also feel like it's unfair how Christians make formulas for things and they are all supposed to turn out the same way because it has worked in the past. I am up in the air about how I feel about prayer. I believe that, at least right now, prayer serves only one purpose and its to have intimacy with the One who made my heart and knows it better than anyone. I feel that He is gently showing me that I can ask Him for things again. But with a heart that says, "but even if you don't , I still believe that You are good. Because I know that YOU LOVE ME. and that is all that truly matters." That was not the way Rocky and I were encouraged to pray when our Jace was sick. We were encouraged to DECLARE the word over him and DECLARE that God would come through in just the way we wanted Him to. And I'm here to say today, He didn't. He came through. He rescued us. But it was not at all what we had pictured. Or what we had DECLARED. I just know that the wounds we have from that journey are many and far-reaching. They have changed us. It shook our faith right down to the very core. And on the other side, I met a God that is unlike anything I ever could have hoped for. HE LOVES ME. And my deepest desire now is to really comprehend the magnitude of what that really means.

"Send some rain, would you send some rain?
Because the earth is dry and needs to drink again,
The sun is high and we are sinking in the shade.
Would you send a cloud, thunder low and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down,
Surely you can see that we are thirsty and afraid.

But maybe not, not today.
Maybe you'll provide in other ways,
And if that's the case...

We'll give thatnks to you,

With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for you
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If you never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cup, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber, safe from dangers with you this time.

Or maybe not, not today
Maybe you'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case....

We'll give thanks to you, with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after you
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is over head
And if we never taste that bread...

O the differences that often are between, everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus grant us peace,
Move our heart to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today
Maybe you've provided other ways
And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to you with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if you never grant us peace.

But Jesus, would you please......"
-Gratitude (Nichole Nordeman)

1 comment:

  1. Oh how your words resonate so deeply. I don't think people really understand what a difference there is when your faith has been brought to such a place. How different things look on the other side. I love that song so much. When you shared it with me it matched perfectly to the time I said 'faith isn't knowing that God will, but knowing that He might not...and loving him anyway'. I've been so blessed my you. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Sometimes I feel like what you say is just for me. :)