My Thoughts...

Ok, I feel like this has been a long time coming. And let me first say that I have put it off because I never want to hurt anyone by the things that I share from my heart. I guess I should start by giving some background information. When my Jace quit breathing and was in the PICU, Rocky and I were introduced to what I call "praying for what we want and using God's word to say its promised to us" I know, long explanation, huh? The short of it, I guess, is that we so desperately wanted God to promise us that Jace was not going to die and that life would be back to the way it was, that that is what we made the bible say for us. All the promises that God put in his word, meant exactly what we wanted them to mean for our situation. So I guess you can probably figure out what happened next. The morning of July 5th, I woke up and Jace was no longer awake to this world. And so my anger with my Papa God began. I was so angry that He had "promised" me that by His stripes Jace was HEALED. He had "promised" me that the power that raised Christ from the dead was alive in me and all I had to was believe. I HAD believed. So much so that I was surprised every morning when I woke up and still had a little boy who couldn't smile anymore and had to try harder than anything just to eat his food. I woke up that morning and everything I had known about God and prayer was completely shattered and ruined. Which, I feel now, was a great place to be.

What it did for me was help me to realize that, good or bad, I didn't believe at all what I used to believe. In fact, the only thing I was truly sure of was that I knew NOTHING about ANYTHING. And I love living my life here. It gave my Papa the opportunity to sweep in and hold me tight. There was no pride. No image to uphold. No need to appear strong or like I had it all together. Just complete brokenness. And oh, how He loves loving us that way. One thing that I feel like changed in Rocky and I was almost immediately, we realized that true humility, and intimacy with Him, says that I don't know His ways or what He is doing. That I so deeply wish I could see the big picture, but I cannot. And because of this, our trusting Him is truly the only place we ever find peace.

I feel like my heart has been so heavy lately because I believe that God still does miracles and I feel like He heals to earthly restoration. But I also feel like it's unfair how Christians make formulas for things and they are all supposed to turn out the same way because it has worked in the past. I am up in the air about how I feel about prayer. I believe that, at least right now, prayer serves only one purpose and its to have intimacy with the One who made my heart and knows it better than anyone. I feel that He is gently showing me that I can ask Him for things again. But with a heart that says, "but even if you don't , I still believe that You are good. Because I know that YOU LOVE ME. and that is all that truly matters." That was not the way Rocky and I were encouraged to pray when our Jace was sick. We were encouraged to DECLARE the word over him and DECLARE that God would come through in just the way we wanted Him to. And I'm here to say today, He didn't. He came through. He rescued us. But it was not at all what we had pictured. Or what we had DECLARED. I just know that the wounds we have from that journey are many and far-reaching. They have changed us. It shook our faith right down to the very core. And on the other side, I met a God that is unlike anything I ever could have hoped for. HE LOVES ME. And my deepest desire now is to really comprehend the magnitude of what that really means.

Lydia

"Send some rain, would you send some rain?

Because the earth is dry and needs to drink again,

The sun is high and we are sinking in the shade.

Would you send a cloud, thunder low and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down,

Surely you can see that we are thirsty and afraid.

But maybe not, not today.

Maybe you'll provide in other ways,

And if that's the case...

We'll give thatnks to you,

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for you

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If you never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cup, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber, safe from dangers with you this time.

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe you'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case....

We'll give thanks to you, with gratitude

A lesson learned to hunger after you

That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is over head

And if we never taste that bread...

O the differences that often are between, everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus grant us peace,

Move our heart to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe you've provided other ways

And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to you with gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if you never grant us peace.

But Jesus, would you please......"

-Gratitude (Nichole Nordeman)

Today

Today, our Jace Richard would have been four years old. He would have been probably getting a bike with training wheels. He would have been having a party with his cousins and his friends. We would be getting lots of birthday hugs and probably putting out fights between brothers and sister. Today, instead of celebrating four years of life with my little man, I am reflecting on sweet memories and wishing we had gotten to make more. I am wondering what he would have looked like, what our family would look like, where we would be now. And as I do this, I realize, like I do so many times, that things are so very different. We had a family discussion last night at birthday celebration for my brother. And I told my dad that I just NEVER again want to be the person that feels like I've got Papa all figured out. That the last time I remember looking at myself and thinking, "wow, I'm really in a great place in my relationship with God." was the day my Jace quit breathing. And that when I think back on who we are now as a family, the before that day and the after that day are so dramatically different. I feel now that I know NOTHING about how Papa works. NOTHING about prayer, NOTHING about His will.... Nothing at all except that He loves me more deeply, more truly and more completely than I ever could imagine or dream. That he truly does hold my whole world in His hands and that He is so very patient with me and my grief and my journey. That He knows that the desire of my heart was to have my Jace here with me just like all the other mommas got to. That He knows that I wanted to watch him grow up and play with his sissy and bring me wilted flowers from the backyard. That I wanted to watch him ride a bike and plan his birthday parties. He knows that that was what we wanted. But that He also knows the plans He has for us. And that the promise is that He will give us a hope and a future. And because I'm not Papa, I cannot fully understand that. I just know that my HOPE and my FUTURE lie in ETERNITY in the arms of my Jesus. So today I am daydreaming of a little, red-haired, curly q's, blue eyed four year old boy. daydreaming of touching his soft curls, smelling his outside, dirty boy smell. Dreaming of getting ready to start pre-k and watching him learn. And all the while, the ache being somewhat soothed by the knowing that He is celebrating this day with My Healer who holds my world in His hands.

Breathe

Having another one of those times when I just need to write. It's hard to explain, it just sort of grabs ahold of me. And alot more often lately.... Papa has been speaking so clearly to me today about breathing.... Not breathing like we do every few seconds without thinking, but stopping to take a breath and NOTICE. I remembered this morning a picture I saw where a friend of mine took a picture of her little girl and underneath, simply said, I noticed you. I thought about it when I walked past my Jax this morning and saw his sparkly eyes and pointy little chin. I thought about hat he'd been up for two hours and I hadn't even stopped to really look at him. To take him in and soak him up. To remember that today is the only today that I'll ever get. And that theme continued through the day. I was driving them in the van and listening to Taylor Swift. All the stress of getting them dressed, fed and in the van to be somewhere at least thirty minutes late and thinking about how I wonder if I will ever be anywhere on time again and I hope I didn't leave my sunglasses on the counter again, and Oh crap I think I forgot to put the yogurt in the fridge. And finally I tune in to Taylor crooning just in time to hear her singing... " Oh darlin don't you ever grow up, just stay this little. no one's ever burned you, nothin's ever left you scarred. And even though you want to, just try to never grow up. " and now that I am bawling, she mercilessly continues... "Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room. Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home. Remember the footsteps remember the words said, and know your little brother's favorite songs. I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone." I think about Courtlynn and how she never got to play with her brother Jace. I think about her and Jett and how they are the best of friends now and how deeply they love each other. I think of the moments that I miss that I'm too busy worrying about what we are going to do for dinner or how I'm gonna get my house back in shape after the morning rush. And then, for just a moment, I drink them in. My heart swells with how richly blessed I am to be their momma. And the the frenzy begins again. Tonight, He reminds me again when my good friend posted the thousand gifts video and I sob. Thinking that it was just three years ago that I swore that I would never take life for granted again, and then thinking that I woke up this morning thinking that I needed to get every one fed so we could get to the next thing. I DO want to live my life fully awake! After all, why did Jesus come? He said that He came so that we might have LIFE and have it ABUNDANTLY. I know that the mundane tasks that my life has come to consist of is not ABUNDANT life. And if I truly look around me, this is anything but mundane, tis adventure that God gave me to live with these amazing sons and daughter of Papa that I am entrusted with. That I get to cherish and treasure, if I so choose. Today I know that I want to choose that. That I want to choose to live and not exist in my life anymore. That I want to be a participator, not a spectator anymore. I am in love with the One who holds the stars in His hands..... What an amazing adventure....