Constrained

Here I am again on the place where I MUST write. There are so many things that my Jesus is showing me. I have stepped into a place that I have not allowed myself to go in a very long time. I was afraid of this place. Afraid of what it would mean for me to walk back here. Oh how familiar it is. How I have longed for the truth and hungered for His words and I haven't even known it. I have thirsted for His words as though I have been without water for weeks. I have finally again accepted His invitation to dine with Him. To feast on the Bread of Life and Truth once again and let it fill my belly and course through my blood. The only thing that truly satsifes. How have I lived this long trying to find "my own truth" in this life. How have I wandered so far from the stream that I almost couldn't hear it calling me to drink? I have thought of the song by Shane and Shane this week,

"put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine

it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember

i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are."

That is how I feel down to the last letter. I have missed being where HE is. Since my Jace died, I have only asked that He meet me where I am. Too weak, I have felt, to go where He is and be part of what He is doing. So focused on my pain and my disease to ask Him how I might be a part of healing others. Too tired and afraid to walk onto the battlefield and fight for my freedom and the freedom of those I love. Too long have I been shrouded in my own selfishness and my need to understand His plan. As if it is my right to know. As if He owes me anything. And yet.... HE has loved me with an Everlasting love... Oh to grace, how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be.... That has been the word that I have mulled over and over in my head. Constrained. The definition is to compel by physical, moral, or circumstantial force, or (my favorite) to oblige. to oblige means to do as someone asks so as to please them. I have become so focused ion not trying to please others. To do what I want to do and be truly who I am, no regrets. I have forgotten my truest self is the one that is hidden in My Jesus. The one that is "obliged" to the grace that has made it possible to have that freedom to be me. That the me that is most full and lives in the fullness of Christ is the one who doesn't live to please others, but lives my life to an audience of ONE. The ONE. I have forgotten what it means to fight. And to truly LIVE. Oh how I have missed experiencing my Papa in this way. How I have missed the words living in the page and showing me only that I will never truly understand the mystery that is my God. That I am constrained, I am obliged to live for Him because of the depth of what HE has done for ME.