God is Faithful....

Forgive me friends. This is bubbling me and I can't seem to shake it. I'm so overcome with emotion today that I think the only option is to write. I am tired, I'm sad and I'm a little on the angry side. I miss my son. I miss holding him, I miss feeding him. I miss the faces he would make and the silly things we would do to try to get him to have some kind of response again. I miss the way he felt in my arms, the way he smelled. And I have something to say. God is faithful. He is. He is faithful when the things we asked for come to pass. He is just as faithful when they don't. I am so glad that so many people have God answer their prayers just the way they hoped He would, but that is not the ending to our stroy. The ending we prayed for is not what was written at the beginning of time. If I have learned anything at all in life, its that God is not a vending machine. I am continually trying to ask the Lord to help me muddle through all the praising him for good results and the loving Him for healing us. I am confused. I'm hurt and I'm sad. I struggle daily with the praise reports of others, not because I'm not happy for their outcomes, but because it is so attributed to the prayers that were offered on their behalf. We prayed... ALOT. There were nights that that is all I did is lay awake and ask God what I'm missing. What am I not praying for that I should be? I was under a false impression of my all knowing, all consuming, furious lover that is my Papa. I couldn't change this. Not even if I prayed with everything in me... all of my strength. I couldn't change the outcome of our story. And its hurtful to me that the people around me seem to feel like they have it figured out. That the mystery is explained to those that are enlightened by the steps to praying and getting what you hope for. That in essence, my little boy wasn't healed because we didn't pray enough, or the right people weren't praying or we weren't as full of faith for his healing.... I'm so full of questions and f so fully aware that there is no man on this earth that is able to answer them for me. That my God that I serve cannot be figured out. That He is a mystery that is far beyond anything these small minds of ours can fathom. That prayer has a purpose and a very important place, but I don't know anything about it... And that we as brothers and sisters in Jesus must be careful giving our opinions on what works and what doesn't as Christians. It can be so wounding...