tomorrow...

(this was the night before he stopped breathing, Dec. 9th four years ago tonight. Oh How life changes.....)

Here we are again today. I have been remembering all kinds of things this year, I have remembered things that I didn't even know I had filed in my brain. I am flooded with memories of that day. The smells and sounds, and worst of all the feelings. They feel so real and raw, as if it was only yesterday that the ice coated the trees and caused everything to be slick and cold and unstable. The one thing I continue to remember is the feeling that I had right after we found him. While I was in the living room praying that the paramedics would be able to get him back, the feeling of complete devastation. That my whole entire way of life had been devastated. That those feelings of control and having it all together had been completely false. That any kind of security I had felt all those years of my life was false. That I had NEVER been in control and that I had no control over what was happening at this moment. Lately I have had so much insecurity about people I spend time with. That I am so serious and probably depressing to be around sometimes because things tend to always go "to the darkside" like my aunt Candace says :). I know that I do that, quite often actually. But its really hard not to right now. I wish people could understand what I have seen, the emotions I have felt, the losses I have suffered. I wish that people could understand that I still live those things, on at least a weekly basis and that this time of year is the very hardest. That I am sorry if I make you sad or make you feel uncomfortable, but I am just trying to make it through it with my sanity intact (which sometimes I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do.) I miss Jace. I will for the rest of my life here on earth. I wish every day, all day long that things would have been different for us. That I would have known what life would have been like if that wretched day 4 years ago had never happened. That I would be able to close my eyes at night and not have to fight the images that threaten to overcome me. How I wish that I understood my Papa God a little better. That I could see just a little bit more of his plan. I'm so thankful for the truths that I have become aware of on this journey. For the way Papa has held my hand, and at times just carried me through. But tonight I am sad. I am sad that I don't have a little four year old boy to snuggle with and to tell me funny stories and and make my heart swell with that same joy I feel when I get to spend time with my other precious kids. I'm sad that he wasn't here to open the present when we told the kids we were having a girl. I miss the way things were. My sister just texted me tonight one of my favorite lines from Alice in Wonderland when he says, "You are not the same as you once were. You were much muchier then. You've lost your muchness." I feel like that so much. I miss the old me sometimes. I think, in a way, I grieve for her as well. I miss her carefree, trusting disposition. The little girl that believed her God would do anything to keep her safe... That naive belief that was never true or founded in anything What is "safe"? "Who told us we'd be rescued. What has changed and why should we be safe from nightmares." I love that part of that song. I miss me.... And I also wouldn't give the new me up for the world....

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in Solomon's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

-Small Enough, Nichole Nordeman