today....

Today I'm sad and I'm not really sure I can pinpoint exactly why. I'm missing a certain little boy desperately the past few days and I find myself wondering so much what he would be like today. How different our family would be. How different life would be.... Its the strangest feeling, because there is this part of me that is getting bigger that feels like I KNOW that things are so much deeper because of the things we've walked through. That Rocky and I have a friendship like no other because of what we have been through together (and because he's the best man I've ever known) That part of me is learning how to stay in the in between.... the in between of saying that I KNOW there is good that is made out of terrible sadness, and saying its ok with me or that I wouldn't change anything. I'm not there. I don't know if I'll ever be there. But I know that there is something about the mystery that we as humans can barely handle. It drives us crazy when the formulas don't work and the steps don't result in what we thought they would. I'm learning that it means something totally different than I thought to embrace the mystery. That that is the most important thing that I can do right now is know that I don't understand any of this and that is the best place to be. I am learning about holding the tension of two totally different things and knowing that they can exist together. Its breaking all the rules that I used to abide by to not have rules..... I love walking in freedom, but I hate it too.... and it all belongs.

Lydia