One Year Ago Today

One Year ago today we said Goodbye to our sweet Jace Richard. I didn't know how long a year was truly until today. It has been a whole year, one of every holiday and milestone that I have already missed. I have missed watching him take his first steps and hearing him say mama and dada. I have missed his first birthday and will miss every one after this. I miss him so much! I can't even express how badly I ache to hold him and touch him and pull him close to me. I miss his smell and the little sounds he made. I miss just being his mama and the one that could comfort him better than anyone else.

But there are other things we missed as well. We missed having to have surgery on his hip and having him in a body cast for six months. We missed having to get him a wheelchair because he was getting too big for me to carry everywhere. I missed watching him watch other kids play and wonder why his body didn't work the way their's did. I am glad I missed those things and that Jace never had to endure those things.

As I reflect on the past year and also the events that brought us here, I am so grateful for every tiny moment I had with that precious little boy. I still wish every day that none of this had happened, but I am so glad that we trusted God to take care of him and that God had prepared our hearts for this very day one year ago, and we didn't even know it yet. Yesterday was a precious day. It was very bittersweet, looking at my sweet Courtlynn and holding my baby Jett and watching him smile, remembering how desperately I wanted to see a smile on Jace's face those last few months and just knowing that, someday when I get there and we are all together again, maybe it will make some sense then. And that even if it doesn't, I won't care because I will be in the presence of my sweet Jesus and with my little boy again. Thank you all for all of your support. All the calls and text messages and facebook messages make this all just a little bit more bearable. We are grieving still and will be forever in some ways. But we are purposing to allow God's healing and make new memories to go with the old ones. We love you all and one year later, God is Still Good!

Lydia

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July my precious Jace!! We will be thinking about you ALL day and celebrating your freedom today! We miss you with all of our hearts and wish we could see your sweet face today! We love you tiny man.

Love, Momma and Daddy

Father's Day

I know its a little late, but I wanted to say a few things about the dads in my life.

First and foremost, my amazing husband. I am so proud of him and of how he has led our family through the darkest and hardest year and a half of our life. I am blown away by how in tune he has been with the Holy Spirit. I love how, with Courtlynn, he loves to "take a date" with her in the living room at breakfast time on the weekends while I am sleeping. She goes to his side of the bed and says, " Hey Daddy, you wanna take a date?" I am instructed to stay in the room! Its just for her and Daddy.

With Jace, he used to walk in the door from work, and before his accident, he would hear his daddy's voice and his eyes would get huge and he would look for him everywhere. As soon as he could smile, he would grin so big every time he heard his Daddy talk. After he quit breathing, Rocky was the strong voice of faith that helped me to continue to hold on to hope, even with no reason to believe!

With Jett now, I see so many similarities in their relationship and him and Jace's. Jett knows the minute his Daddy comes home and he smiles at him and Court more than anyone else! Rocky can calm him down at times when its even hard for me to.

My husband is such a good man and an amazing father. I am so proud to be the one that gets to stand beside him for the rest of our time here on earth and so blessed to have such a wonderful Daddy for my precious kids! I love you my Husband!

And just a few words about my dad. He has taught me so much in my 24 years. He has taught me the importance of hard work and integrity. He has taught me how to respect myself and stand up for what's right. He has taught me the importance of authenticity and transparency. How important it is to be real with people. Most of all, thought, he has taught me to recognize how much God loves me. That its not just that I want to know Jesus so I can go to heaven, but that Jesus is ALL that matters. He has helped me see that its okay to question your values and where you stand on issues, as long as you remember that Jesus is ALL that matters! I am so blessed to have a dad that loves my mom and that loves us kids and his grandkids so much. SO blessed that he was there through the hardest parts of my life and continues to support us and teach us by example! I love you, my Daddy!

"Early when the day is new, Before the stirring, I will come to talk to you. To confess the ways I'm broken, to recall the words You've spoken, and to try to comprehend the love You have for me! You are my Hiding Place, You fill my broken heart with songs, Songs of deliverance, You sing of how the weak are strong. And You never meant for me to walk alone. You are always for me , as the TRUEST lover of my soul. You hear my desperate calling, You have kept my feet from falling and You've set me on this rock on which I'm standing now. And I believe You, for you saved me from my darkness and my shame." Hiding Place by Sara Groves

I think I wrote the words to this song close to a year ago when I started this blog. I am obviously still on the journey and it means something totally different to me now than it did then. We said goodbye to my brother yesterday. He left for active duty with the navy reserves. We don't know which country he will go to or even how long he will be gone. I am again learning a very hard lesson in mortality and trusting my Jesus. It brought up all the other stuff about how fast our lives changed a year and a half ago and then how fast it changed again just a year ago. I am here this morning, letting the Holy Spirit minister to me the truth of the protection and covering I have just resting under His wings. Where would I go if it weren't for this precious place of peace and truth? I am so blessed to have my Hiding Place.

Lydia

Please pray for Cat. She has a long journey ahead of her waiting for my

brother to come home. Pray against fear and for an overwhelming peace! I love you girl!

All of us kids before we had a lot of cares! This was a sweet memory! I will miss you Bubba. You will be home with us soon. You are Brave!!

Time to reflect

I am sitting here tonight holding my brand new baby boy. My second son, my third child. I am so full of wonder at the miracle that he is. I sit and watch him all the time and I find myself marveling at all the things he can do. I am amazed at how he can suck and swallow so instinctively and how he can hear and see and do the things that he was just born knowing how to do. I thank God every day for all the little things that I had always taken for granted before. I am more amazed than anything by the way he breathes. How his chest moves up and down and how much I took that for granted in the past. How much that breath means, not just to Jett, but to all of us who love him. I am reminded today of the nooma video we watched all the time in the PICU while Jace was clinging to life. It was called breathe and it was all about the name of God and how, a long time ago, it was too sacred to even utter the name of God. That when people said His name it was just a sound, not a word. And the sound was the sound of breathing. It was four sounds within four breaths. We played that video over and over and my favorite part was when he says something about what if when a baby is born, it doesn't take its first breath, but it says the name of Jesus for the first time, and when a person dies, maybe its not that they take their last breath, but that, when they can no longer say the name of God, they die.  I have definitely come to see that the very act of breathing is a miracle in itself. That life is full of adventure and there are new things every day to discover about our heavenly Daddy. I feel that, with the gift of this baby, God is attempting to heal something inside me that I was afraid would always be broken, and maybe didn't want fixed. And they best part is, if I will get out of the way and let him heal it, It will heal different than it was to start with. That the evidence of the wound will be there forever, but the healed part will always point others to the true character of God. To the hope that He has given me and will do even more for the kingdom of God and draw even more people to himself. If I will let him, this wound that will always be a part of me, will be the place that God can show his strength in my biggest weakness! I know that trusting Him is the hardest part of all of this right now. Jett looks so much like his brother and reminds us so much of Him. God is so Good. I will forever have a precious boy that will always remind me of  Jace in such a special way. I'm so glad that God is God and that He doesn't listen to me and what I think I need. This sweet baby is exactly what we needed at this point in our journey. I am letting go of my precious Jace, and realizing that letting go doesn't mean forgetting. That my kids need their whole momma, and my Jace is with Jesus and cheering me on! That I will never forget and that part of me will always be sad and broken. But that letting God heal me is not betraying my firstborn son! I will love him forever until the day that I am with him again. And he knows that. I am choosing to let God take my Great Sadness, in exchange for the true, real, genuine Joy of the Lord that will be my strength. I want everyone to know that in no way will Jett ever replace Jace. That would be impossible, first of all, but also unfair to both of the boys. I am just aware today that a chapter is closing on this part of the journey and that its time to face the fact that my life will be different than I wanted it to, but that I believe God!! I believe He is who He says He is and He will do what He says He can do!! That is what fills me with peace and lets me know that, as broken and crappy as life can be, He is still faithful and I will trust Him and walk with my hand in his until this life is over!! 

Jett is here!!!

I'm not going to have all the details tonight because I'm on pain meds and I'm really tired. We came home from the hospital around noon today. I was ready to get home with our precious boy. He was born at 11:47 am on April 21st. He was 9lbs 6oz. and 20 and 3/4 inches long. It was the best feeling in the world to hear that sweet, soft cry. His sister is ecstatic and she is such a great helper and loves on him so well. There are so many things about him that we just watch in amazement.  We will never take things for granted like we did before. We are missing our sweet Jace, and yet feeling a joy that we never thought was possible to feel again. I will write some more later but here are some pictures of our beautiful boy!! Thank you all for praying and continuing to pray for us! 

Today is the Day!!!

We are leaving in a few minutes for the hospital. I will post as soon as I can with the details and some pictures!!!