Breathe

Having another one of those times when I just need to write. It's hard to explain, it just sort of grabs ahold of me. And alot more often lately.... Papa has been speaking so clearly to me today about breathing.... Not breathing like we do every few seconds without thinking, but stopping to take a breath and NOTICE. I remembered this morning a picture I saw where a friend of mine took a picture of her little girl and underneath, simply said, I noticed you. I thought about it when I walked past my Jax this morning and saw his sparkly eyes and pointy little chin. I thought about hat he'd been up for two hours and I hadn't even stopped to really look at him. To take him in and soak him up. To remember that today is the only today that I'll ever get. And that theme continued through the day. I was driving them in the van and listening to Taylor Swift. All the stress of getting them dressed, fed and in the van to be somewhere at least thirty minutes late and thinking about how I wonder if I will ever be anywhere on time again and I hope I didn't leave my sunglasses on the counter again, and Oh crap I think I forgot to put the yogurt in the fridge. And finally I tune in to Taylor crooning just in time to hear her singing... " Oh darlin don't you ever grow up, just stay this little. no one's ever burned you, nothin's ever left you scarred. And even though you want to, just try to never grow up. " and now that I am bawling, she mercilessly continues... "Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room. Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home. Remember the footsteps remember the words said, and know your little brother's favorite songs. I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone." I think about Courtlynn and how she never got to play with her brother Jace. I think about her and Jett and how they are the best of friends now and how deeply they love each other. I think of the moments that I miss that I'm too busy worrying about what we are going to do for dinner or how I'm gonna get my house back in shape after the morning rush. And then, for just a moment, I drink them in. My heart swells with how richly blessed I am to be their momma. And the the frenzy begins again. Tonight, He reminds me again when my good friend posted the thousand gifts video and I sob. Thinking that it was just three years ago that I swore that I would never take life for granted again, and then thinking that I woke up this morning thinking that I needed to get every one fed so we could get to the next thing. I DO want to live my life fully awake! After all, why did Jesus come? He said that He came so that we might have LIFE and have it ABUNDANTLY. I know that the mundane tasks that my life has come to consist of is not ABUNDANT life. And if I truly look around me, this is anything but mundane, tis adventure that God gave me to live with these amazing sons and daughter of Papa that I am entrusted with. That I get to cherish and treasure, if I so choose. Today I know that I want to choose that. That I want to choose to live and not exist in my life anymore. That I want to be a participator, not a spectator anymore. I am in love with the One who holds the stars in His hands..... What an amazing adventure....

3 years...

Today has been so strange. I had heard when I first began this journey of being a babylost momma, that you would have hard times and then realize that its because its a certain time of year or something.... I feel like so many times I feel as if I have forgotten so many things about him. I wish that all those special things would stay with me forever. Like how he smelled or how he felt in my arms, or how it felt when wrapped that one little arm around my shoulder when I held him. The truth is, I don't take the time to remember like I need to. It's just so hard to put it back when I get it all out and start to examine it. It makes me so tired and feel a hundred years old. I feel like someone else lived that life and had those horrible experiences and I was just a close bystander. Most of the time. But there are times that I get it all out and let myself feel it. I let myself remember the tube feedings, the long nights at the hospital just watching him breathe, the praying all hours of the day and night that I would just have enough faith for God to heal him, (and the anxiety and false burdens that lie brought with it). The fourth of July night that I held him and talked with our good friends forever after the fireworks about the hope I had for his full recovery. And then the feeding him that last cup of formula and laying him down right next to my heart. How he looked all curled up beside me and how effortlessly he drifted off to sleep, safe in momma's arms. The feeling of deep, aching sadness the next morning when the doctor came out with tears in his eyes to tell us there was nothing more he could do, he was just so sorry. The feeling of hurt and betrayal I had with God, but mostly myself for not having the faith I was supposed to have for Him to heal my son. And then the lifting of that burden as my Papa God took that lie from me and replaced it with the truth of who He is and where my Jace was now... and the comfort of my friends and my family that held us and carried us as we started down this dark, lonely road. The journey had begun... the journey of loss, and hope, and pain so deep it literally felt that I was broken, and trust in my Jesus that He knows my deepest fears and the deepest parts of my heart that even I am unfamiliar with. I began to know Him truly as my hiding place. I miss my Jace. That is where I am this year. I just miss him with everything in me. I wish so hard that I could touch his face, or rub his little feet again, help him eat or cheer him on while he tried so hard to relearn those things that come so naturally to everyone else.... I ache to hold him... physically ache. Sometimes I feel like I just need to hold him or I won't make it another day. But my sweet Papa God takes me though and we come out the other side. Sometimes it takes so much longer than I thought it would and other times we are there so fast. I just have thought so many times about the words to one of my favorite songs by Sara Groves. He is my hiding pace and fills my broken heart with songs. He sings of how the weak are strong. And He never meant for me to walk alone. He is always for me, as the truest lover of my soul. He hears my desperate calling, He has kept my feet from falling and He set me on this rock on which I'm standing now. I love that He will never leave me. I love that, when it comes down to it, that He never promised us that we wouldn't hurt. That that is just this world that we inherited. But that what His promise was was that when everything fell, we'd be held. That's all. And so very comforting to me...

Held

Two months is too little,

They let him go,

They had no, sudden healing.

To think that Providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prayed

Its appalling.

Who told us, we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares?

We are asking why this happens

To us who have died to live

Its unfair.

This is what it means to be held

How it feels

When the sacred is torn from your lives

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know

That the promise was when everything fell,

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness,

We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow

But the wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and TOMORROW

Jett is Two!

Wow I feel like its been ages since I've posted. And then it really hasn't been that long.... i want to write a post about Christmas, breaking my leg, and how little Jaxon came into this world, but not today:) It's late tonight, we've been packing all day to go to my grandparents house in Missouri for Easter. But it's also the end of Jett Richard's second birthday! It has been a really fun day here at the Campbell house. Rock took off work just like he does on everyone's birthday and we went to breakfast and spent the day together. It has been a day full of thinking back... and being so amazed at God's sweet heart toward me. I am constantly in awe of the way He loves me. i look at my sweet Jett, and see the miracle of life. How fragile it is and how I never realized its fragility before my Jace made his huge mark on my life. And how my God, the master of all the universe, so gently sustains it.... WOW. i really have no words... I am falling so deeply in love with Him and who He is. I love that my children are such windows into His heart. Jett is so full of life and spunk. He's a pretty amazing little man, and pretty incredibly ornery at the very same time. I love the way he talks to baby Jax. He leans down with his hands on his knees and says, "Hilo Chashy." in a sweet little high pitched voice. I love how he runs. He He gets his body leaned real far forward and then he watches the ground and pumps his arms really hard, even though he's not moving very fast at all:) I love how he thinks he's a football player already and he gets his in football stance and says, "Mommy, chatch it." He can make me laugh so hard I cry, even if I had been bawling and sad seconds before. I love how God knew how much Rocky, Courtlynn, and I needed him in our family. I am so thankful and just full to the brim with gratitude for my precious Heavenly Father. Thank you Jesus for our family and for your design... even the parts that I don't understand or I wish were different. Thank you for teaching me how to trust you, and helping me to realize that its an ongoing journey that I will, more than likely, not see the end of until this earthly life is over. I love you, my Papa...

Lydia

The day the Crows and the Locusts Came....

Three years ago today, my whole life as I knew it, ended. I woke up in the morning one person, and that night went to sleep (for an hour, maybe) someone else entirely. I will never be able to truly put into words what happened to our family that day. What happened to my heart..... I ache for just a glimpse of what it used to feel like before that horrible day in December. I'm praying that someday, this day won't hold so much anxiety, and fear, and hopeless feelings like it does today. But I'm also learning that I can't rush the process. I know that, at the end of the day, My sweet Jesus loves me more than I could ever hope to have been loved and He isn't rushing me. I'm coming to grips this week with the realization that I will NEVER be that carefree, optimistic, happy-go-lucky girl that gave birth to Jace Richard Campbell. She is still there, bits and pieces of her... I'm learning that that's ok. Life has changed me... And in many ways, I'm so glad that I have experienced the depth, and width, and height of His sweet love for me in a way that only someone who has lost a child can. I know His love in a totally different way this December 10th morning, than I did this very morning 3 years ago. How I wish that I could hold him and feed him again. How I ache for his stinky baby boy smell and his big, bright smile. How it hurts to think of the devestation that ravaged our family after this day 3 years ago..... I will always wish that things had turned out differently. I will always want him back, I'm convinced. I'm going to write the words to my favorites song right now. It says exactly how I feel about this day 3 years ago and I LOVE the very end and the HOPE she is CLINGING to... That is where I am, even now, some days. Life does move forward, as it should, but there will always be a huge hole that Jace left in my heart. And that scar never dissappears fully. And I am so glad....

Crows and Locusts

Brooke Fraser

Daddy don't cry, It'll be alright.

She puts some water on the wound, and hums a little tune while

her courage puddles on the ground, pooling, pooling

See the murder and the swarm descend

and the night is getting thick, the moon turning her tricks

she'll betray you every time

It was the year, the crows and the locusts came

the fields drank dry the rain.

the fields are bleeding

it was the age, the foxes came for the fields.

we were bleeding as we bowed to kneel, prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy

The rumble is low and the heat is high,

got a feeling that there's rain out in the oil black sky

gonna chase away the devil when that sun does rise

gonna plead the blood, gonna plead the blood

t was the year, the crows and the locusts came

the fields drank dry the rain.

the fields are bleeding

it was the age, the foxes came for the fields.

we were bleeding as we bowed to kneel, prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy

She limps on up to the top of a mound,

looks at the faltered harvest

feels her sweat on her brow and the burn in her nose

and the knowing in her gut somethings still gonna grow

she ain't leavin til it does

What can wash away my sin,

nothin but the blood.....

What can make me WHOLE again,

nothin but the blood......

The last verse is where I want to stay on these days that are so hard... I believe Jesus and the promise that He will finish the work he started in me. I remember that clinging... that almost ridiculous hope that we held so tightly to through all the darkness and despair. And all these years later, and the things that have transpired since that wretched day, I can still say, My PAPA God is STILL good. and He still holds my world in his hands.

Lydi

Scars

I just decided that I wanted to share this today...

I went to the dermatologist on thursday of last week. She was looking at the mole I have on my chest that I've had since I was a little girl. Now that my wild boy is getting so big, he has been scratching it and it hasn't been faring real well:) Anyway, she looked at it and then gave me a couple options. One was to remove it, but there would be a little scar.... She told me that in a kind of breaking it to me gently sort of way. As if that was going to be a big deal to me. Today in the shower while I was tending to my new "scar" I began reflecting on my opinion of scars. I have MANY. From riding my bike and falling down, from scraping my leg on a bed frame and gashing m knee, and lots more. And I decided that I like scars. I like that someone can look at your scar and be aware that, while they don't know what it is that happened to you, that something painful happened that changed you permanently. The scars that I hate are the ones inside your heart. That are so unfairly hidden from the outside world. Those scars are the hardest ones for me to deal with. I have a precious friend that says that she wishes sometimes that God had given her a limp when her baby boy died so that everyone would know that something tragic had happened that had altered her life. I feel like that so much lately. I remember right after my Jace went home, I wanted to tell everyone, even complete strangers what I was going through. That has calmed down quite a bit. But there are so many times that I just wish I had a visible, physical scar that everyone could see.......

Lydia

WOW!! WAy too long!!

OK! So I totally suck at keeping up with my blog! Life has been ridiculously crazy over here at the Campbell house. This is such a weird time of year for us. I wanted to do a birthday post for Courty but the time just goes so fast. So here it is, almost a month late!!

My sweet Courty Serene turned four years old on November 17th!! I cannot believe she is this big! It really does seem like yesterday that I was at the hospital waiting for her to come and yet it also feels like another lifetime. She is such an incredible little person and I am so proud to be her momma! She is so intuitive and wise beyond her four long years. She knows so much more about life and how precious it is than I did until just recently. I am amazed by her more every day. I wish with a ll my heart that she hadn't;t had to go through what she did, but I am so proud of the person she is because of it. She is so tender hearted and would never hurt anyone's feelings on purpose (except maybe her brother :)). She is so fun to take with me places and to be silly with. I am so blessed by her!

So another thing about her right now is that she is ALWAYS in character and most of the time she is Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Its safe to say she is obsessed. She also plays all day long with Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man and they go with us every time we leave the house. So naturally, I asked her what kind of birthday party she wanted to have and she decided Wizard of Oz! It was really cute. I couldn't have pulled it off without my other-in-law and my mom. It was really fun for her and she had a great time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY PRECIOUS GIRL!! I LOVE YOU!!

I've been HORRIBLE about updating! There have been so many things going on here! My sister left two weeks ago. My brother officially made it safely to Iraq... Those are just a couple. I just thought I'd kind of journal about what God has been doing in us, but especially me this last few weeks. My sweet Jesus has been working with me for a very long time on learning to trust Him again with my kids! I feel like a huge turning pint for me was Christine Caine's message a couple sundays ago. She talked about being safe and trying to keep everything in it's nice little place and keep it all from getting hurt or messed up. I realized for the first time in a long time that that is where I have been. I'm still so confused and broken about what happened to my precious Jace and our little family that I have found it next to impossible to entrust my children to Him again. I think that a lot of it has to do with claiming the healing for all those months only to wake up to an empty body next to me and a promise that I was still clinging to. It felt, deep down, like a promise that hadn't been kept. My understanding has deepened quite a bit... I realize that I've been focusing so much on why and what could I have done. I have definitely given myself far too much credit. I am learning very slowly that I can not ever protect and love my kids the way Jesus can. Also, Ia m swallowing the fact that , while it wasn't God's plan for Jace to hurt and ultimately die and early death, It was Jace's destiny to touch his little world the way he did. I am so proud to have gotten to be his momma! Jesus has been wooing me for awhile and urging me to put Courty in MDO just for one day a week. I believe just to perove his faithfuolness to me. The last straw was when Court asked me if she could go to school like Ella. That was all I needed. My awesome friends talked me through it and I enrolled her in Crossings. I also Have stopped nursing Jett. It was a such a hard decision, but my hormones have been wierd and I've been getting horrible migraines. I was afraid if I stopped, I'd be risking him getting the flu and sicknesses this season. God loved me through that too and helped me to see that I can trust him to keep my baby boy well, (and he even does a better job than me- shocking, I know) I know that the one thing I am working on understanding and grasping is that God does have a plan for my life. That he did take us out of eternity and put me here in this time for a specific reason. That He is the God over my fear and that GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD! And I am so thankful for that! Lydi