I am sitting here tonight holding my brand new baby boy. My second son, my third child. I am so full of wonder at the miracle that he is. I sit and watch him all the time and I find myself marveling at all the things he can do. I am amazed at how he can suck and swallow so instinctively and how he can hear and see and do the things that he was just born knowing how to do. I thank God every day for all the little things that I had always taken for granted before. I am more amazed than anything by the way he breathes. How his chest moves up and down and how much I took that for granted in the past. How much that breath means, not just to Jett, but to all of us who love him. I am reminded today of the nooma video we watched all the time in the PICU while Jace was clinging to life. It was called breathe and it was all about the name of God and how, a long time ago, it was too sacred to even utter the name of God. That when people said His name it was just a sound, not a word. And the sound was the sound of breathing. It was four sounds within four breaths. We played that video over and over and my favorite part was when he says something about what if when a baby is born, it doesn't take its first breath, but it says the name of Jesus for the first time, and when a person dies, maybe its not that they take their last breath, but that, when they can no longer say the name of God, they die. I have definitely come to see that the very act of breathing is a miracle in itself. That life is full of adventure and there are new things every day to discover about our heavenly Daddy. I feel that, with the gift of this baby, God is attempting to heal something inside me that I was afraid would always be broken, and maybe didn't want fixed. And they best part is, if I will get out of the way and let him heal it, It will heal different than it was to start with. That the evidence of the wound will be there forever, but the healed part will always point others to the true character of God. To the hope that He has given me and will do even more for the kingdom of God and draw even more people to himself. If I will let him, this wound that will always be a part of me, will be the place that God can show his strength in my biggest weakness! I know that trusting Him is the hardest part of all of this right now. Jett looks so much like his brother and reminds us so much of Him. God is so Good. I will forever have a precious boy that will always remind me of Jace in such a special way. I'm so glad that God is God and that He doesn't listen to me and what I think I need. This sweet baby is exactly what we needed at this point in our journey. I am letting go of my precious Jace, and realizing that letting go doesn't mean forgetting. That my kids need their whole momma, and my Jace is with Jesus and cheering me on! That I will never forget and that part of me will always be sad and broken. But that letting God heal me is not betraying my firstborn son! I will love him forever until the day that I am with him again. And he knows that. I am choosing to let God take my Great Sadness, in exchange for the true, real, genuine Joy of the Lord that will be my strength. I want everyone to know that in no way will Jett ever replace Jace. That would be impossible, first of all, but also unfair to both of the boys. I am just aware today that a chapter is closing on this part of the journey and that its time to face the fact that my life will be different than I wanted it to, but that I believe God!! I believe He is who He says He is and He will do what He says He can do!! That is what fills me with peace and lets me know that, as broken and crappy as life can be, He is still faithful and I will trust Him and walk with my hand in his until this life is over!!
