tomorrow...

(this was the night before he stopped breathing, Dec. 9th four years ago tonight. Oh How life changes.....)

Here we are again today. I have been remembering all kinds of things this year, I have remembered things that I didn't even know I had filed in my brain. I am flooded with memories of that day. The smells and sounds, and worst of all the feelings. They feel so real and raw, as if it was only yesterday that the ice coated the trees and caused everything to be slick and cold and unstable. The one thing I continue to remember is the feeling that I had right after we found him. While I was in the living room praying that the paramedics would be able to get him back, the feeling of complete devastation. That my whole entire way of life had been devastated. That those feelings of control and having it all together had been completely false. That any kind of security I had felt all those years of my life was false. That I had NEVER been in control and that I had no control over what was happening at this moment. Lately I have had so much insecurity about people I spend time with. That I am so serious and probably depressing to be around sometimes because things tend to always go "to the darkside" like my aunt Candace says :). I know that I do that, quite often actually. But its really hard not to right now. I wish people could understand what I have seen, the emotions I have felt, the losses I have suffered. I wish that people could understand that I still live those things, on at least a weekly basis and that this time of year is the very hardest. That I am sorry if I make you sad or make you feel uncomfortable, but I am just trying to make it through it with my sanity intact (which sometimes I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do.) I miss Jace. I will for the rest of my life here on earth. I wish every day, all day long that things would have been different for us. That I would have known what life would have been like if that wretched day 4 years ago had never happened. That I would be able to close my eyes at night and not have to fight the images that threaten to overcome me. How I wish that I understood my Papa God a little better. That I could see just a little bit more of his plan. I'm so thankful for the truths that I have become aware of on this journey. For the way Papa has held my hand, and at times just carried me through. But tonight I am sad. I am sad that I don't have a little four year old boy to snuggle with and to tell me funny stories and and make my heart swell with that same joy I feel when I get to spend time with my other precious kids. I'm sad that he wasn't here to open the present when we told the kids we were having a girl. I miss the way things were. My sister just texted me tonight one of my favorite lines from Alice in Wonderland when he says, "You are not the same as you once were. You were much muchier then. You've lost your muchness." I feel like that so much. I miss the old me sometimes. I think, in a way, I grieve for her as well. I miss her carefree, trusting disposition. The little girl that believed her God would do anything to keep her safe... That naive belief that was never true or founded in anything What is "safe"? "Who told us we'd be rescued. What has changed and why should we be safe from nightmares." I love that part of that song. I miss me.... And I also wouldn't give the new me up for the world....

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in Solomon's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

-Small Enough, Nichole Nordeman

As it happens so often with me, I just have a need to write that I can't hardly contain so it must be done, I guess. I'm not sure what it is about today although there are some inklings. It has been building up inside of me for some time now and its just finally at the surface. I'm sad today, but a mix between sadness and swelling joy. That seems to be where I stay when I am resting in my Jesus. It is a true happiness, I think. I never experienced it before my deep losses and my hard journey of healing that I am still traversing.... and will always be. I am deeply grateful this season for the depth of this journey we are walking. For the places it has taken us to and the deep things it has caused us to see and hear and feel. I am deeply grateful, also this season, that Papa picked me to be Jace's momma. Just thankful that I got to have him for as long as I did and for the things that loving him has taught me about the character of my beautiful Jesus. i am increasingly, and painfully, more aware of the fact that I will never be able to feel NORMAL again. I am also painfully aware that I cannot protect the people that I love. I cannot pick the way our road will turn. I cannot pray what I hope for into existence. I can only hold on and try every minute of every hour too hand them back to Him and try to trust that what He has for us is ultimately what I want. I am so very confused lately, though about how I pray and why I pray and what I want out of my relationship with Papa. The only real conclusion I have come to is that I believe that I pray because He loves to hear my heart. Because He is proud of me just because I am His. Just because He made me. That there is no RIGHT or WRONG thing to do in my life with Him. Just that I am learning new things every day and the more that I learn about Him, the more the mystery increases and I am even more in awe of who He is. I am reflecting a lot lately and thinking so much about what life was like before it changed so devestatingly. I was thinking about living with Rocky in our little condo right after we got married and just not even believing that I got to wake up next to this man forever, remembering being pregnant with Courtlynn and wanting to give her everything and help her to have the perfect childhood:) Just laying there at night and my heart swelling knowing that her and Rocky were mine... finding out I was gonna have Jace and thinking how sweet it was of God to give me a boy. Talking with the ladies at bible study about the bond of a momma and her little boy, how it was unlike anything else. Then three days later, the gig was up. The world fell apart and I knew that night while I was begging God to give him back, that nothing would ever be the same. Only now, four years later, am I beginning to see the extent of how far reaching the carnage was. And yet, those places are the most beautiful, for they bear the most perfect image of my Jesus. He has CHANGED me. He has healed my heart, not back to wholeness, but to a beautiful picture of His strength in my weakest, most broken places... Alleluia. He is true and He is good. He alone can mend my heart and grow me up and walk with me through the valley with only the knowledge that more tragedy my befall me, (and probably will) but He will NEVER leave me alone. I will NEVER walk those places alone. And here in this moment, that is good enough. I have been thinking about an old Amy Grant song lately that my mom and dad used to listen to called We Believe in God. Just the one part of the verse where she says, "life is hard, and it might not get easier." I feel like my heart still responds so painfully when someone tries to speak on blessing and prosperity being the message of Jesus. Its not. The message of Jesus has never been that we will pray and never feel pain or walk through tragedy. The message is that HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US. And that our life walking with him will be deep and full of depth and the joy will be REAL. But true joy is born of suffering... again I say, Alleluia.

Lydia

My Thoughts...

Ok, I feel like this has been a long time coming. And let me first say that I have put it off because I never want to hurt anyone by the things that I share from my heart. I guess I should start by giving some background information. When my Jace quit breathing and was in the PICU, Rocky and I were introduced to what I call "praying for what we want and using God's word to say its promised to us" I know, long explanation, huh? The short of it, I guess, is that we so desperately wanted God to promise us that Jace was not going to die and that life would be back to the way it was, that that is what we made the bible say for us. All the promises that God put in his word, meant exactly what we wanted them to mean for our situation. So I guess you can probably figure out what happened next. The morning of July 5th, I woke up and Jace was no longer awake to this world. And so my anger with my Papa God began. I was so angry that He had "promised" me that by His stripes Jace was HEALED. He had "promised" me that the power that raised Christ from the dead was alive in me and all I had to was believe. I HAD believed. So much so that I was surprised every morning when I woke up and still had a little boy who couldn't smile anymore and had to try harder than anything just to eat his food. I woke up that morning and everything I had known about God and prayer was completely shattered and ruined. Which, I feel now, was a great place to be.

What it did for me was help me to realize that, good or bad, I didn't believe at all what I used to believe. In fact, the only thing I was truly sure of was that I knew NOTHING about ANYTHING. And I love living my life here. It gave my Papa the opportunity to sweep in and hold me tight. There was no pride. No image to uphold. No need to appear strong or like I had it all together. Just complete brokenness. And oh, how He loves loving us that way. One thing that I feel like changed in Rocky and I was almost immediately, we realized that true humility, and intimacy with Him, says that I don't know His ways or what He is doing. That I so deeply wish I could see the big picture, but I cannot. And because of this, our trusting Him is truly the only place we ever find peace.

I feel like my heart has been so heavy lately because I believe that God still does miracles and I feel like He heals to earthly restoration. But I also feel like it's unfair how Christians make formulas for things and they are all supposed to turn out the same way because it has worked in the past. I am up in the air about how I feel about prayer. I believe that, at least right now, prayer serves only one purpose and its to have intimacy with the One who made my heart and knows it better than anyone. I feel that He is gently showing me that I can ask Him for things again. But with a heart that says, "but even if you don't , I still believe that You are good. Because I know that YOU LOVE ME. and that is all that truly matters." That was not the way Rocky and I were encouraged to pray when our Jace was sick. We were encouraged to DECLARE the word over him and DECLARE that God would come through in just the way we wanted Him to. And I'm here to say today, He didn't. He came through. He rescued us. But it was not at all what we had pictured. Or what we had DECLARED. I just know that the wounds we have from that journey are many and far-reaching. They have changed us. It shook our faith right down to the very core. And on the other side, I met a God that is unlike anything I ever could have hoped for. HE LOVES ME. And my deepest desire now is to really comprehend the magnitude of what that really means.

Lydia

"Send some rain, would you send some rain?

Because the earth is dry and needs to drink again,

The sun is high and we are sinking in the shade.

Would you send a cloud, thunder low and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down,

Surely you can see that we are thirsty and afraid.

But maybe not, not today.

Maybe you'll provide in other ways,

And if that's the case...

We'll give thatnks to you,

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for you

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If you never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cup, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber, safe from dangers with you this time.

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe you'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case....

We'll give thanks to you, with gratitude

A lesson learned to hunger after you

That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is over head

And if we never taste that bread...

O the differences that often are between, everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus grant us peace,

Move our heart to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe you've provided other ways

And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to you with gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if you never grant us peace.

But Jesus, would you please......"

-Gratitude (Nichole Nordeman)

Today

Today, our Jace Richard would have been four years old. He would have been probably getting a bike with training wheels. He would have been having a party with his cousins and his friends. We would be getting lots of birthday hugs and probably putting out fights between brothers and sister. Today, instead of celebrating four years of life with my little man, I am reflecting on sweet memories and wishing we had gotten to make more. I am wondering what he would have looked like, what our family would look like, where we would be now. And as I do this, I realize, like I do so many times, that things are so very different. We had a family discussion last night at birthday celebration for my brother. And I told my dad that I just NEVER again want to be the person that feels like I've got Papa all figured out. That the last time I remember looking at myself and thinking, "wow, I'm really in a great place in my relationship with God." was the day my Jace quit breathing. And that when I think back on who we are now as a family, the before that day and the after that day are so dramatically different. I feel now that I know NOTHING about how Papa works. NOTHING about prayer, NOTHING about His will.... Nothing at all except that He loves me more deeply, more truly and more completely than I ever could imagine or dream. That he truly does hold my whole world in His hands and that He is so very patient with me and my grief and my journey. That He knows that the desire of my heart was to have my Jace here with me just like all the other mommas got to. That He knows that I wanted to watch him grow up and play with his sissy and bring me wilted flowers from the backyard. That I wanted to watch him ride a bike and plan his birthday parties. He knows that that was what we wanted. But that He also knows the plans He has for us. And that the promise is that He will give us a hope and a future. And because I'm not Papa, I cannot fully understand that. I just know that my HOPE and my FUTURE lie in ETERNITY in the arms of my Jesus. So today I am daydreaming of a little, red-haired, curly q's, blue eyed four year old boy. daydreaming of touching his soft curls, smelling his outside, dirty boy smell. Dreaming of getting ready to start pre-k and watching him learn. And all the while, the ache being somewhat soothed by the knowing that He is celebrating this day with My Healer who holds my world in His hands.

Breathe

Having another one of those times when I just need to write. It's hard to explain, it just sort of grabs ahold of me. And alot more often lately.... Papa has been speaking so clearly to me today about breathing.... Not breathing like we do every few seconds without thinking, but stopping to take a breath and NOTICE. I remembered this morning a picture I saw where a friend of mine took a picture of her little girl and underneath, simply said, I noticed you. I thought about it when I walked past my Jax this morning and saw his sparkly eyes and pointy little chin. I thought about hat he'd been up for two hours and I hadn't even stopped to really look at him. To take him in and soak him up. To remember that today is the only today that I'll ever get. And that theme continued through the day. I was driving them in the van and listening to Taylor Swift. All the stress of getting them dressed, fed and in the van to be somewhere at least thirty minutes late and thinking about how I wonder if I will ever be anywhere on time again and I hope I didn't leave my sunglasses on the counter again, and Oh crap I think I forgot to put the yogurt in the fridge. And finally I tune in to Taylor crooning just in time to hear her singing... " Oh darlin don't you ever grow up, just stay this little. no one's ever burned you, nothin's ever left you scarred. And even though you want to, just try to never grow up. " and now that I am bawling, she mercilessly continues... "Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room. Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home. Remember the footsteps remember the words said, and know your little brother's favorite songs. I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone." I think about Courtlynn and how she never got to play with her brother Jace. I think about her and Jett and how they are the best of friends now and how deeply they love each other. I think of the moments that I miss that I'm too busy worrying about what we are going to do for dinner or how I'm gonna get my house back in shape after the morning rush. And then, for just a moment, I drink them in. My heart swells with how richly blessed I am to be their momma. And the the frenzy begins again. Tonight, He reminds me again when my good friend posted the thousand gifts video and I sob. Thinking that it was just three years ago that I swore that I would never take life for granted again, and then thinking that I woke up this morning thinking that I needed to get every one fed so we could get to the next thing. I DO want to live my life fully awake! After all, why did Jesus come? He said that He came so that we might have LIFE and have it ABUNDANTLY. I know that the mundane tasks that my life has come to consist of is not ABUNDANT life. And if I truly look around me, this is anything but mundane, tis adventure that God gave me to live with these amazing sons and daughter of Papa that I am entrusted with. That I get to cherish and treasure, if I so choose. Today I know that I want to choose that. That I want to choose to live and not exist in my life anymore. That I want to be a participator, not a spectator anymore. I am in love with the One who holds the stars in His hands..... What an amazing adventure....

3 years...

Today has been so strange. I had heard when I first began this journey of being a babylost momma, that you would have hard times and then realize that its because its a certain time of year or something.... I feel like so many times I feel as if I have forgotten so many things about him. I wish that all those special things would stay with me forever. Like how he smelled or how he felt in my arms, or how it felt when wrapped that one little arm around my shoulder when I held him. The truth is, I don't take the time to remember like I need to. It's just so hard to put it back when I get it all out and start to examine it. It makes me so tired and feel a hundred years old. I feel like someone else lived that life and had those horrible experiences and I was just a close bystander. Most of the time. But there are times that I get it all out and let myself feel it. I let myself remember the tube feedings, the long nights at the hospital just watching him breathe, the praying all hours of the day and night that I would just have enough faith for God to heal him, (and the anxiety and false burdens that lie brought with it). The fourth of July night that I held him and talked with our good friends forever after the fireworks about the hope I had for his full recovery. And then the feeding him that last cup of formula and laying him down right next to my heart. How he looked all curled up beside me and how effortlessly he drifted off to sleep, safe in momma's arms. The feeling of deep, aching sadness the next morning when the doctor came out with tears in his eyes to tell us there was nothing more he could do, he was just so sorry. The feeling of hurt and betrayal I had with God, but mostly myself for not having the faith I was supposed to have for Him to heal my son. And then the lifting of that burden as my Papa God took that lie from me and replaced it with the truth of who He is and where my Jace was now... and the comfort of my friends and my family that held us and carried us as we started down this dark, lonely road. The journey had begun... the journey of loss, and hope, and pain so deep it literally felt that I was broken, and trust in my Jesus that He knows my deepest fears and the deepest parts of my heart that even I am unfamiliar with. I began to know Him truly as my hiding place. I miss my Jace. That is where I am this year. I just miss him with everything in me. I wish so hard that I could touch his face, or rub his little feet again, help him eat or cheer him on while he tried so hard to relearn those things that come so naturally to everyone else.... I ache to hold him... physically ache. Sometimes I feel like I just need to hold him or I won't make it another day. But my sweet Papa God takes me though and we come out the other side. Sometimes it takes so much longer than I thought it would and other times we are there so fast. I just have thought so many times about the words to one of my favorite songs by Sara Groves. He is my hiding pace and fills my broken heart with songs. He sings of how the weak are strong. And He never meant for me to walk alone. He is always for me, as the truest lover of my soul. He hears my desperate calling, He has kept my feet from falling and He set me on this rock on which I'm standing now. I love that He will never leave me. I love that, when it comes down to it, that He never promised us that we wouldn't hurt. That that is just this world that we inherited. But that what His promise was was that when everything fell, we'd be held. That's all. And so very comforting to me...

Held

Two months is too little,

They let him go,

They had no, sudden healing.

To think that Providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prayed

Its appalling.

Who told us, we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares?

We are asking why this happens

To us who have died to live

Its unfair.

This is what it means to be held

How it feels

When the sacred is torn from your lives

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know

That the promise was when everything fell,

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness,

We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow

But the wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and TOMORROW

Jett is Two!

Wow I feel like its been ages since I've posted. And then it really hasn't been that long.... i want to write a post about Christmas, breaking my leg, and how little Jaxon came into this world, but not today:) It's late tonight, we've been packing all day to go to my grandparents house in Missouri for Easter. But it's also the end of Jett Richard's second birthday! It has been a really fun day here at the Campbell house. Rock took off work just like he does on everyone's birthday and we went to breakfast and spent the day together. It has been a day full of thinking back... and being so amazed at God's sweet heart toward me. I am constantly in awe of the way He loves me. i look at my sweet Jett, and see the miracle of life. How fragile it is and how I never realized its fragility before my Jace made his huge mark on my life. And how my God, the master of all the universe, so gently sustains it.... WOW. i really have no words... I am falling so deeply in love with Him and who He is. I love that my children are such windows into His heart. Jett is so full of life and spunk. He's a pretty amazing little man, and pretty incredibly ornery at the very same time. I love the way he talks to baby Jax. He leans down with his hands on his knees and says, "Hilo Chashy." in a sweet little high pitched voice. I love how he runs. He He gets his body leaned real far forward and then he watches the ground and pumps his arms really hard, even though he's not moving very fast at all:) I love how he thinks he's a football player already and he gets his in football stance and says, "Mommy, chatch it." He can make me laugh so hard I cry, even if I had been bawling and sad seconds before. I love how God knew how much Rocky, Courtlynn, and I needed him in our family. I am so thankful and just full to the brim with gratitude for my precious Heavenly Father. Thank you Jesus for our family and for your design... even the parts that I don't understand or I wish were different. Thank you for teaching me how to trust you, and helping me to realize that its an ongoing journey that I will, more than likely, not see the end of until this earthly life is over. I love you, my Papa...

Lydia