Campbell6

God is Faithful....

2012-01-13T20:23:00.001-06:00

Forgive me friends. This is bubbling me and I can't seem to shake it. I'm so overcome with emotion today that I think the only option is to write. I am tired, I'm sad and I'm a little on the angry side. I miss my son. I miss holding him, I miss feeding him. I miss the faces he would make and the silly things we would do to try to get him to have some kind of response again. I miss the way he felt in my arms, the way he smelled. And I have something to say. God is faithful. He is. He is faithful when the things we asked for come to pass. He is just as faithful when they don't. I am so glad that so many people have God answer their prayers just the way they hoped He would, but that is not the ending to our stroy. The ending we prayed for is not what was written at the beginning of time. If I have learned anything at all in life, its that God is not a vending machine. I am continually trying to ask the Lord to help me muddle through all the praising him for good results and the loving Him for healing us. I am confused. I'm hurt and I'm sad. I struggle daily with the praise reports of others, not because I'm not happy for their outcomes, but because it is so attributed to the prayers that were offered on their behalf. We prayed... ALOT. There were nights that that is all I did is lay awake and ask God what I'm missing. What am I not praying for that I should be? I was under a false impression of my all knowing, all consuming, furious lover that is my Papa. I couldn't change this. Not even if I prayed with everything in me... all of my strength. I couldn't change the outcome of our story. And its hurtful to me that the people around me seem to feel like they have it figured out. That the mystery is explained to those that are enlightened by the steps to praying and getting what you hope for. That in essence, my little boy wasn't healed because we didn't pray enough, or the right people weren't praying or we weren't as full of faith for his healing.... I'm so full of questions and f so fully aware that there is no man on this earth that is able to answer them for me. That my God that I serve cannot be figured out. That He is a mystery that is far beyond anything these small minds of ours can fathom. That prayer has a purpose and a very important place, but I don't know anything about it... And that we as brothers and sisters in Jesus must be careful giving our opinions on what works and what doesn't as Christians. It can be so wounding...

tomorrow...

2011-12-09T20:08:00.007-06:00

(this was the night before he stopped breathing, Dec. 9th four years ago tonight. Oh How life changes.....)

Here we are again today. I have been remembering all kinds of things this year, I have remembered things that I didn't even know I had filed in my brain. I am flooded with memories of that day. The smells and sounds, and worst of all the feelings. They feel so real and raw, as if it was only yesterday that the ice coated the trees and caused everything to be slick and cold and unstable. The one thing I continue to remember is the feeling that I had right after we found him. While I was in the living room praying that the paramedics would be able to get him back, the feeling of complete devastation. That my whole entire way of life had been devastated. That those feelings of control and having it all together had been completely false. That any kind of security I had felt all those years of my life was false. That I had NEVER been in control and that I had no control over what was happening at this moment. Lately I have had so much insecurity about people I spend time with. That I am so serious and probably depressing to be around sometimes because things tend to always go "to the darkside" like my aunt Candace says :). I know that I do that, quite often actually. But its really hard not to right now. I wish people could understand what I have seen, the emotions I have felt, the losses I have suffered. I wish that people could understand that I still live those things, on at least a weekly basis and that this time of year is the very hardest. That I am sorry if I make you sad or make you feel uncomfortable, but I am just trying to make it through it with my sanity intact (which sometimes I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do.) I miss Jace. I will for the rest of my life here on earth. I wish every day, all day long that things would have been different for us. That I would have known what life would have been like if that wretched day 4 years ago had never happened. That I would be able to close my eyes at night and not have to fight the images that threaten to overcome me. How I wish that I understood my Papa God a little better. That I could see just a little bit more of his plan. I'm so thankful for the truths that I have become aware of on this journey. For the way Papa has held my hand, and at times just carried me through. But tonight I am sad. I am sad that I don't have a little four year old boy to snuggle with and to tell me funny stories and and make my heart swell with that same joy I feel when I get to spend time with my other precious kids. I'm sad that he wasn't here to open the present when we told the kids we were having a girl. I miss the way things were. My sister just texted me tonight one of my favorite lines from Alice in Wonderland when he says, "You are not the same as you once were. You were much muchier then. You've lost your muchness." I feel like that so much. I miss the old me sometimes. I think, in a way, I grieve for her as well. I miss her carefree, trusting disposition. The little girl that believed her God would do anything to keep her safe... That naive belief that was never true or founded in anything What is "safe"? "Who told us we'd be rescued. What has changed and why should we be safe from nightmares." I love that part of that song. I miss me.... And I also wouldn't give the new me up for the world....

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in Solomon's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

-Small Enough, Nichole Nordeman

2011-11-08T14:42:00.002-06:00

As it happens so often with me, I just have a need to write that I can't hardly contain so it must be done, I guess. I'm not sure what it is about today although there are some inklings. It has been building up inside of me for some time now and its just finally at the surface. I'm sad today, but a mix between sadness and swelling joy. That seems to be where I stay when I am resting in my Jesus. It is a true happiness, I think. I never experienced it before my deep losses and my hard journey of healing that I am still traversing.... and will always be. I am deeply grateful this season for the depth of this journey we are walking. For the places it has taken us to and the deep things it has caused us to see and hear and feel. I am deeply grateful, also this season, that Papa picked me to be Jace's momma. Just thankful that I got to have him for as long as I did and for the things that loving him has taught me about the character of my beautiful Jesus. i am increasingly, and painfully, more aware of the fact that I will never be able to feel NORMAL again. I am also painfully aware that I cannot protect the people that I love. I cannot pick the way our road will turn. I cannot pray what I hope for into existence. I can only hold on and try every minute of every hour too hand them back to Him and try to trust that what He has for us is ultimately what I want. I am so very confused lately, though about how I pray and why I pray and what I want out of my relationship with Papa. The only real conclusion I have come to is that I believe that I pray because He loves to hear my heart. Because He is proud of me just because I am His. Just because He made me. That there is no RIGHT or WRONG thing to do in my life with Him. Just that I am learning new things every day and the more that I learn about Him, the more the mystery increases and I am even more in awe of who He is. I am reflecting a lot lately and thinking so much about what life was like before it changed so devestatingly. I was thinking about living with Rocky in our little condo right after we got married and just not even believing that I got to wake up next to this man forever, remembering being pregnant with Courtlynn and wanting to give her everything and help her to have the perfect childhood:) Just laying there at night and my heart swelling knowing that her and Rocky were mine... finding out I was gonna have Jace and thinking how sweet it was of God to give me a boy. Talking with the ladies at bible study about the bond of a momma and her little boy, how it was unlike anything else. Then three days later, the gig was up. The world fell apart and I knew that night while I was begging God to give him back, that nothing would ever be the same. Only now, four years later, am I beginning to see the extent of how far reaching the carnage was. And yet, those places are the most beautiful, for they bear the most perfect image of my Jesus. He has CHANGED me. He has healed my heart, not back to wholeness, but to a beautiful picture of His strength in my weakest, most broken places... Alleluia. He is true and He is good. He alone can mend my heart and grow me up and walk with me through the valley with only the knowledge that more tragedy my befall me, (and probably will) but He will NEVER leave me alone. I will NEVER walk those places alone. And here in this moment, that is good enough. I have been thinking about an old Amy Grant song lately that my mom and dad used to listen to called We Believe in God. Just the one part of the verse where she says, "life is hard, and it might not get easier." I feel like my heart still responds so painfully when someone tries to speak on blessing and prosperity being the message of Jesus. Its not. The message of Jesus has never been that we will pray and never feel pain or walk through tragedy. The message is that HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US. And that our life walking with him will be deep and full of depth and the joy will be REAL. But true joy is born of suffering... again I say, Alleluia.

Lydia

My Thoughts...

2011-08-27T15:26:00.002-05:00

Ok, I feel like this has been a long time coming. And let me first say that I have put it off because I never want to hurt anyone by the things that I share from my heart. I guess I should start by giving some background information. When my Jace quit breathing and was in the PICU, Rocky and I were introduced to what I call "praying for what we want and using God's word to say its promised to us" I know, long explanation, huh? The short of it, I guess, is that we so desperately wanted God to promise us that Jace was not going to die and that life would be back to the way it was, that that is what we made the bible say for us. All the promises that God put in his word, meant exactly what we wanted them to mean for our situation. So I guess you can probably figure out what happened next. The morning of July 5th, I woke up and Jace was no longer awake to this world. And so my anger with my Papa God began. I was so angry that He had "promised" me that by His stripes Jace was HEALED. He had "promised" me that the power that raised Christ from the dead was alive in me and all I had to was believe. I HAD believed. So much so that I was surprised every morning when I woke up and still had a little boy who couldn't smile anymore and had to try harder than anything just to eat his food. I woke up that morning and everything I had known about God and prayer was completely shattered and ruined. Which, I feel now, was a great place to be.

What it did for me was help me to realize that, good or bad, I didn't believe at all what I used to believe. In fact, the only thing I was truly sure of was that I knew NOTHING about ANYTHING. And I love living my life here. It gave my Papa the opportunity to sweep in and hold me tight. There was no pride. No image to uphold. No need to appear strong or like I had it all together. Just complete brokenness. And oh, how He loves loving us that way. One thing that I feel like changed in Rocky and I was almost immediately, we realized that true humility, and intimacy with Him, says that I don't know His ways or what He is doing. That I so deeply wish I could see the big picture, but I cannot. And because of this, our trusting Him is truly the only place we ever find peace.

I feel like my heart has been so heavy lately because I believe that God still does miracles and I feel like He heals to earthly restoration. But I also feel like it's unfair how Christians make formulas for things and they are all supposed to turn out the same way because it has worked in the past. I am up in the air about how I feel about prayer. I believe that, at least right now, prayer serves only one purpose and its to have intimacy with the One who made my heart and knows it better than anyone. I feel that He is gently showing me that I can ask Him for things again. But with a heart that says, "but even if you don't , I still believe that You are good. Because I know that YOU LOVE ME. and that is all that truly matters." That was not the way Rocky and I were encouraged to pray when our Jace was sick. We were encouraged to DECLARE the word over him and DECLARE that God would come through in just the way we wanted Him to. And I'm here to say today, He didn't. He came through. He rescued us. But it was not at all what we had pictured. Or what we had DECLARED. I just know that the wounds we have from that journey are many and far-reaching. They have changed us. It shook our faith right down to the very core. And on the other side, I met a God that is unlike anything I ever could have hoped for. HE LOVES ME. And my deepest desire now is to really comprehend the magnitude of what that really means.

Lydia

"Send some rain, would you send some rain?

Because the earth is dry and needs to drink again,

The sun is high and we are sinking in the shade.

Would you send a cloud, thunder low and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down,

Surely you can see that we are thirsty and afraid.

But maybe not, not today.

Maybe you'll provide in other ways,

And if that's the case...

We'll give thatnks to you,

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for you

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If you never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cup, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber, safe from dangers with you this time.

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe you'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case....

We'll give thanks to you, with gratitude

A lesson learned to hunger after you

That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is over head

And if we never taste that bread...

O the differences that often are between, everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus grant us peace,

Move our heart to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe you've provided other ways

And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to you with gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if you never grant us peace.

But Jesus, would you please......"

-Gratitude (Nichole Nordeman)

Today

2011-08-14T14:04:00.005-05:00

Today, our Jace Richard would have been four years old. He would have been probably getting a bike with training wheels. He would have been having a party with his cousins and his friends. We would be getting lots of birthday hugs and probably putting out fights between brothers and sister. Today, instead of celebrating four years of life with my little man, I am reflecting on sweet memories and wishing we had gotten to make more. I am wondering what he would have looked like, what our family would look like, where we would be now. And as I do this, I realize, like I do so many times, that things are so very different. We had a family discussion last night at birthday celebration for my brother. And I told my dad that I just NEVER again want to be the person that feels like I've got Papa all figured out. That the last time I remember looking at myself and thinking, "wow, I'm really in a great place in my relationship with God." was the day my Jace quit breathing. And that when I think back on who we are now as a family, the before that day and the after that day are so dramatically different. I feel now that I know NOTHING about how Papa works. NOTHING about prayer, NOTHING about His will.... Nothing at all except that He loves me more deeply, more truly and more completely than I ever could imagine or dream. That he truly does hold my whole world in His hands and that He is so very patient with me and my grief and my journey. That He knows that the desire of my heart was to have my Jace here with me just like all the other mommas got to. That He knows that I wanted to watch him grow up and play with his sissy and bring me wilted flowers from the backyard. That I wanted to watch him ride a bike and plan his birthday parties. He knows that that was what we wanted. But that He also knows the plans He has for us. And that the promise is that He will give us a hope and a future. And because I'm not Papa, I cannot fully understand that. I just know that my HOPE and my FUTURE lie in ETERNITY in the arms of my Jesus. So today I am daydreaming of a little, red-haired, curly q's, blue eyed four year old boy. daydreaming of touching his soft curls, smelling his outside, dirty boy smell. Dreaming of getting ready to start pre-k and watching him learn. And all the while, the ache being somewhat soothed by the knowing that He is celebrating this day with My Healer who holds my world in His hands.

Breathe

2011-08-03T23:40:00.002-05:00

Having another one of those times when I just need to write. It's hard to explain, it just sort of grabs ahold of me. And alot more often lately.... Papa has been speaking so clearly to me today about breathing.... Not breathing like we do every few seconds without thinking, but stopping to take a breath and NOTICE. I remembered this morning a picture I saw where a friend of mine took a picture of her little girl and underneath, simply said, I noticed you. I thought about it when I walked past my Jax this morning and saw his sparkly eyes and pointy little chin. I thought about hat he'd been up for two hours and I hadn't even stopped to really look at him. To take him in and soak him up. To remember that today is the only today that I'll ever get. And that theme continued through the day. I was driving them in the van and listening to Taylor Swift. All the stress of getting them dressed, fed and in the van to be somewhere at least thirty minutes late and thinking about how I wonder if I will ever be anywhere on time again and I hope I didn't leave my sunglasses on the counter again, and Oh crap I think I forgot to put the yogurt in the fridge. And finally I tune in to Taylor crooning just in time to hear her singing... " Oh darlin don't you ever grow up, just stay this little. no one's ever burned you, nothin's ever left you scarred. And even though you want to, just try to never grow up. " and now that I am bawling, she mercilessly continues... "Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room. Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home. Remember the footsteps remember the words said, and know your little brother's favorite songs. I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone." I think about Courtlynn and how she never got to play with her brother Jace. I think about her and Jett and how they are the best of friends now and how deeply they love each other. I think of the moments that I miss that I'm too busy worrying about what we are going to do for dinner or how I'm gonna get my house back in shape after the morning rush. And then, for just a moment, I drink them in. My heart swells with how richly blessed I am to be their momma. And the the frenzy begins again. Tonight, He reminds me again when my good friend posted the thousand gifts video and I sob. Thinking that it was just three years ago that I swore that I would never take life for granted again, and then thinking that I woke up this morning thinking that I needed to get every one fed so we could get to the next thing. I DO want to live my life fully awake! After all, why did Jesus come? He said that He came so that we might have LIFE and have it ABUNDANTLY. I know that the mundane tasks that my life has come to consist of is not ABUNDANT life. And if I truly look around me, this is anything but mundane, tis adventure that God gave me to live with these amazing sons and daughter of Papa that I am entrusted with. That I get to cherish and treasure, if I so choose. Today I know that I want to choose that. That I want to choose to live and not exist in my life anymore. That I want to be a participator, not a spectator anymore. I am in love with the One who holds the stars in His hands..... What an amazing adventure....

3 years...

2011-07-01T23:23:00.003-05:00

Today has been so strange. I had heard when I first began this journey of being a babylost momma, that you would have hard times and then realize that its because its a certain time of year or something.... I feel like so many times I feel as if I have forgotten so many things about him. I wish that all those special things would stay with me forever. Like how he smelled or how he felt in my arms, or how it felt when wrapped that one little arm around my shoulder when I held him. The truth is, I don't take the time to remember like I need to. It's just so hard to put it back when I get it all out and start to examine it. It makes me so tired and feel a hundred years old. I feel like someone else lived that life and had those horrible experiences and I was just a close bystander. Most of the time. But there are times that I get it all out and let myself feel it. I let myself remember the tube feedings, the long nights at the hospital just watching him breathe, the praying all hours of the day and night that I would just have enough faith for God to heal him, (and the anxiety and false burdens that lie brought with it). The fourth of July night that I held him and talked with our good friends forever after the fireworks about the hope I had for his full recovery. And then the feeding him that last cup of formula and laying him down right next to my heart. How he looked all curled up beside me and how effortlessly he drifted off to sleep, safe in momma's arms. The feeling of deep, aching sadness the next morning when the doctor came out with tears in his eyes to tell us there was nothing more he could do, he was just so sorry. The feeling of hurt and betrayal I had with God, but mostly myself for not having the faith I was supposed to have for Him to heal my son. And then the lifting of that burden as my Papa God took that lie from me and replaced it with the truth of who He is and where my Jace was now... and the comfort of my friends and my family that held us and carried us as we started down this dark, lonely road. The journey had begun... the journey of loss, and hope, and pain so deep it literally felt that I was broken, and trust in my Jesus that He knows my deepest fears and the deepest parts of my heart that even I am unfamiliar with. I began to know Him truly as my hiding place. I miss my Jace. That is where I am this year. I just miss him with everything in me. I wish so hard that I could touch his face, or rub his little feet again, help him eat or cheer him on while he tried so hard to relearn those things that come so naturally to everyone else.... I ache to hold him... physically ache. Sometimes I feel like I just need to hold him or I won't make it another day. But my sweet Papa God takes me though and we come out the other side. Sometimes it takes so much longer than I thought it would and other times we are there so fast. I just have thought so many times about the words to one of my favorite songs by Sara Groves. He is my hiding pace and fills my broken heart with songs. He sings of how the weak are strong. And He never meant for me to walk alone. He is always for me, as the truest lover of my soul. He hears my desperate calling, He has kept my feet from falling and He set me on this rock on which I'm standing now. I love that He will never leave me. I love that, when it comes down to it, that He never promised us that we wouldn't hurt. That that is just this world that we inherited. But that what His promise was was that when everything fell, we'd be held. That's all. And so very comforting to me...

Held

Two months is too little,

They let him go,

They had no, sudden healing.

To think that Providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prayed

Its appalling.

Who told us, we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares?

We are asking why this happens

To us who have died to live

Its unfair.

This is what it means to be held

How it feels

When the sacred is torn from your lives

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know

That the promise was when everything fell,

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness,

We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow

But the wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and TOMORROW

Jett is Two!

2011-04-22T00:22:00.004-05:00

Wow I feel like its been ages since I've posted. And then it really hasn't been that long.... i want to write a post about Christmas, breaking my leg, and how little Jaxon came into this world, but not today:) It's late tonight, we've been packing all day to go to my grandparents house in Missouri for Easter. But it's also the end of Jett Richard's second birthday! It has been a really fun day here at the Campbell house. Rock took off work just like he does on everyone's birthday and we went to breakfast and spent the day together. It has been a day full of thinking back... and being so amazed at God's sweet heart toward me. I am constantly in awe of the way He loves me. i look at my sweet Jett, and see the miracle of life. How fragile it is and how I never realized its fragility before my Jace made his huge mark on my life. And how my God, the master of all the universe, so gently sustains it.... WOW. i really have no words... I am falling so deeply in love with Him and who He is. I love that my children are such windows into His heart. Jett is so full of life and spunk. He's a pretty amazing little man, and pretty incredibly ornery at the very same time. I love the way he talks to baby Jax. He leans down with his hands on his knees and says, "Hilo Chashy." in a sweet little high pitched voice. I love how he runs. He He gets his body leaned real far forward and then he watches the ground and pumps his arms really hard, even though he's not moving very fast at all:) I love how he thinks he's a football player already and he gets his in football stance and says, "Mommy, chatch it." He can make me laugh so hard I cry, even if I had been bawling and sad seconds before. I love how God knew how much Rocky, Courtlynn, and I needed him in our family. I am so thankful and just full to the brim with gratitude for my precious Heavenly Father. Thank you Jesus for our family and for your design... even the parts that I don't understand or I wish were different. Thank you for teaching me how to trust you, and helping me to realize that its an ongoing journey that I will, more than likely, not see the end of until this earthly life is over. I love you, my Papa...

Lydia

The day the Crows and the Locusts Came....

2010-12-10T07:21:00.002-06:00

Three years ago today, my whole life as I knew it, ended. I woke up in the morning one person, and that night went to sleep (for an hour, maybe) someone else entirely. I will never be able to truly put into words what happened to our family that day. What happened to my heart..... I ache for just a glimpse of what it used to feel like before that horrible day in December. I'm praying that someday, this day won't hold so much anxiety, and fear, and hopeless feelings like it does today. But I'm also learning that I can't rush the process. I know that, at the end of the day, My sweet Jesus loves me more than I could ever hope to have been loved and He isn't rushing me. I'm coming to grips this week with the realization that I will NEVER be that carefree, optimistic, happy-go-lucky girl that gave birth to Jace Richard Campbell. She is still there, bits and pieces of her... I'm learning that that's ok. Life has changed me... And in many ways, I'm so glad that I have experienced the depth, and width, and height of His sweet love for me in a way that only someone who has lost a child can. I know His love in a totally different way this December 10th morning, than I did this very morning 3 years ago. How I wish that I could hold him and feed him again. How I ache for his stinky baby boy smell and his big, bright smile. How it hurts to think of the devestation that ravaged our family after this day 3 years ago..... I will always wish that things had turned out differently. I will always want him back, I'm convinced. I'm going to write the words to my favorites song right now. It says exactly how I feel about this day 3 years ago and I LOVE the very end and the HOPE she is CLINGING to... That is where I am, even now, some days. Life does move forward, as it should, but there will always be a huge hole that Jace left in my heart. And that scar never dissappears fully. And I am so glad....

Crows and Locusts

Brooke Fraser

Daddy don't cry, It'll be alright.

She puts some water on the wound, and hums a little tune while

her courage puddles on the ground, pooling, pooling

See the murder and the swarm descend

and the night is getting thick, the moon turning her tricks

she'll betray you every time

It was the year, the crows and the locusts came

the fields drank dry the rain.

the fields are bleeding

it was the age, the foxes came for the fields.

we were bleeding as we bowed to kneel, prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy

The rumble is low and the heat is high,

got a feeling that there's rain out in the oil black sky

gonna chase away the devil when that sun does rise

gonna plead the blood, gonna plead the blood

t was the year, the crows and the locusts came

the fields drank dry the rain.

the fields are bleeding

it was the age, the foxes came for the fields.

we were bleeding as we bowed to kneel, prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy

She limps on up to the top of a mound,

looks at the faltered harvest

feels her sweat on her brow and the burn in her nose

and the knowing in her gut somethings still gonna grow

she ain't leavin til it does

What can wash away my sin,

nothin but the blood.....

What can make me WHOLE again,

nothin but the blood......

The last verse is where I want to stay on these days that are so hard... I believe Jesus and the promise that He will finish the work he started in me. I remember that clinging... that almost ridiculous hope that we held so tightly to through all the darkness and despair. And all these years later, and the things that have transpired since that wretched day, I can still say, My PAPA God is STILL good. and He still holds my world in his hands.

Lydi

Scars

2010-07-26T15:18:00.002-05:00

I just decided that I wanted to share this today...

I went to the dermatologist on thursday of last week. She was looking at the mole I have on my chest that I've had since I was a little girl. Now that my wild boy is getting so big, he has been scratching it and it hasn't been faring real well:) Anyway, she looked at it and then gave me a couple options. One was to remove it, but there would be a little scar.... She told me that in a kind of breaking it to me gently sort of way. As if that was going to be a big deal to me. Today in the shower while I was tending to my new "scar" I began reflecting on my opinion of scars. I have MANY. From riding my bike and falling down, from scraping my leg on a bed frame and gashing m knee, and lots more. And I decided that I like scars. I like that someone can look at your scar and be aware that, while they don't know what it is that happened to you, that something painful happened that changed you permanently. The scars that I hate are the ones inside your heart. That are so unfairly hidden from the outside world. Those scars are the hardest ones for me to deal with. I have a precious friend that says that she wishes sometimes that God had given her a limp when her baby boy died so that everyone would know that something tragic had happened that had altered her life. I feel like that so much lately. I remember right after my Jace went home, I wanted to tell everyone, even complete strangers what I was going through. That has calmed down quite a bit. But there are so many times that I just wish I had a visible, physical scar that everyone could see.......

Lydia

WOW!! WAy too long!!

2009-12-13T22:53:00.003-06:00

OK! So I totally suck at keeping up with my blog! Life has been ridiculously crazy over here at the Campbell house. This is such a weird time of year for us. I wanted to do a birthday post for Courty but the time just goes so fast. So here it is, almost a month late!!

My sweet Courty Serene turned four years old on November 17th!! I cannot believe she is this big! It really does seem like yesterday that I was at the hospital waiting for her to come and yet it also feels like another lifetime. She is such an incredible little person and I am so proud to be her momma! She is so intuitive and wise beyond her four long years. She knows so much more about life and how precious it is than I did until just recently. I am amazed by her more every day. I wish with a ll my heart that she hadn't;t had to go through what she did, but I am so proud of the person she is because of it. She is so tender hearted and would never hurt anyone's feelings on purpose (except maybe her brother :)). She is so fun to take with me places and to be silly with. I am so blessed by her!

So another thing about her right now is that she is ALWAYS in character and most of the time she is Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Its safe to say she is obsessed. She also plays all day long with Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man and they go with us every time we leave the house. So naturally, I asked her what kind of birthday party she wanted to have and she decided Wizard of Oz! It was really cute. I couldn't have pulled it off without my other-in-law and my mom. It was really fun for her and she had a great time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY PRECIOUS GIRL!! I LOVE YOU!!

2009-09-21T23:47:00.001-05:00

I've been HORRIBLE about updating! There have been so many things going on here! My sister left two weeks ago. My brother officially made it safely to Iraq... Those are just a couple. I just thought I'd kind of journal about what God has been doing in us, but especially me this last few weeks. My sweet Jesus has been working with me for a very long time on learning to trust Him again with my kids! I feel like a huge turning pint for me was Christine Caine's message a couple sundays ago. She talked about being safe and trying to keep everything in it's nice little place and keep it all from getting hurt or messed up. I realized for the first time in a long time that that is where I have been. I'm still so confused and broken about what happened to my precious Jace and our little family that I have found it next to impossible to entrust my children to Him again. I think that a lot of it has to do with claiming the healing for all those months only to wake up to an empty body next to me and a promise that I was still clinging to. It felt, deep down, like a promise that hadn't been kept. My understanding has deepened quite a bit... I realize that I've been focusing so much on why and what could I have done. I have definitely given myself far too much credit. I am learning very slowly that I can not ever protect and love my kids the way Jesus can. Also, Ia m swallowing the fact that , while it wasn't God's plan for Jace to hurt and ultimately die and early death, It was Jace's destiny to touch his little world the way he did. I am so proud to have gotten to be his momma! Jesus has been wooing me for awhile and urging me to put Courty in MDO just for one day a week. I believe just to perove his faithfuolness to me. The last straw was when Court asked me if she could go to school like Ella. That was all I needed. My awesome friends talked me through it and I enrolled her in Crossings. I also Have stopped nursing Jett. It was a such a hard decision, but my hormones have been wierd and I've been getting horrible migraines. I was afraid if I stopped, I'd be risking him getting the flu and sicknesses this season. God loved me through that too and helped me to see that I can trust him to keep my baby boy well, (and he even does a better job than me- shocking, I know) I know that the one thing I am working on understanding and grasping is that God does have a plan for my life. That he did take us out of eternity and put me here in this time for a specific reason. That He is the God over my fear and that GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD! And I am so thankful for that! Lydi

2nd Birthday 8-14-09

2009-08-18T22:53:00.006-05:00

Ok guys. It has definitely been awhile...
Needless to say, it has been a hard couple of months. Jace's Second birthday was Friday. It has also been a week of milestones for us. Jett, today, is officially older than Jace was when we found him not breathing that awful December night. It has been almost hard to breathe the closer these days have gotten. I can't believe that Jace would have been two. I watch my sweet nephew and my sweet Bryson and I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to watch Jace walk around like that. If he would have still been so chubby? If there would be anything he was so attached to like Max and his blankie? How would he have interacted with his sister and what would it have been like to watch them play together. Words cannot express to you all how deep the ache is in my heart just to know those things. I continue to ask God to help me to hand these things to Him. I take them back so often, but He is so gently and tenderly showing me how much He wants to hold on to them for me. He holds his hands out and gently urges me to place my sweet Jace there. To trust that he is so very well looked after and that he is unspeakably happy. There are no words really to tell you all what God is and has been to me... He has loved me so perfectly on this journey and is continuing to hold me and anchor me in the middle of so much hurt and anger and things I just do not understand. I have looked through pictures so much this past week and just wondered.. And today I am having to make the choice again, to put those things in God's care and TRUST. It is becoming and minute by minute decision I am having to make. I am making peace with the fact that it will probably be this way indefinitely. I am learning what it means to live a life completely dependent on the Lover of my Soul and the HEALER of my heart! I love you my baby Jace! You will be part of us forever. I can't wait to see you and Jesus! Happy Birthday sweet angel baby.

"Though you're gone, you're still here in my heart, in my tears. Yeah, you sure left your mark and we were just getting started. It wasn't long enough together but it was long enough to last forever." -Rascal Flatts

"In the end, its not the years in your life that count, Its the life in your years.."
-Abraham Lincoln

One Year Ago Today

2009-07-05T10:02:00.002-05:00

One Year ago today we said Goodbye to our sweet Jace Richard. I didn't know how long a year was truly until today. It has been a whole year, one of every holiday and milestone that I have already missed. I have missed watching him take his first steps and hearing him say mama and dada. I have missed his first birthday and will miss every one after this. I miss him so much! I can't even express how badly I ache to hold him and touch him and pull him close to me. I miss his smell and the little sounds he made. I miss just being his mama and the one that could comfort him better than anyone else.

But there are other things we missed as well. We missed having to have surgery on his hip and having him in a body cast for six months. We missed having to get him a wheelchair because he was getting too big for me to carry everywhere. I missed watching him watch other kids play and wonder why his body didn't work the way their's did. I am glad I missed those things and that Jace never had to endure those things.

As I reflect on the past year and also the events that brought us here, I am so grateful for every tiny moment I had with that precious little boy. I still wish every day that none of this had happened, but I am so glad that we trusted God to take care of him and that God had prepared our hearts for this very day one year ago, and we didn't even know it yet. Yesterday was a precious day. It was very bittersweet, looking at my sweet Courtlynn and holding my baby Jett and watching him smile, remembering how desperately I wanted to see a smile on Jace's face those last few months and just knowing that, someday when I get there and we are all together again, maybe it will make some sense then. And that even if it doesn't, I won't care because I will be in the presence of my sweet Jesus and with my little boy again. Thank you all for all of your support. All the calls and text messages and facebook messages make this all just a little bit more bearable. We are grieving still and will be forever in some ways. But we are purposing to allow God's healing and make new memories to go with the old ones. We love you all and one year later, God is Still Good!

Lydia

Independence Day

2009-07-03T23:57:00.002-05:00

Happy 4th of July my precious Jace!! We will be thinking about you ALL day and celebrating your freedom today! We miss you with all of our hearts and wish we could see your sweet face today! We love you tiny man.

Love, Momma and Daddy

Father's Day

2009-06-22T10:16:00.003-05:00

I know its a little late, but I wanted to say a few things about the dads in my life.

First and foremost, my amazing husband. I am so proud of him and of how he has led our family through the darkest and hardest year and a half of our life. I am blown away by how in tune he has been with the Holy Spirit. I love how, with Courtlynn, he loves to "take a date" with her in the living room at breakfast time on the weekends while I am sleeping. She goes to his side of the bed and says, " Hey Daddy, you wanna take a date?" I am instructed to stay in the room! Its just for her and Daddy.

With Jace, he used to walk in the door from work, and before his accident, he would hear his daddy's voice and his eyes would get huge and he would look for him everywhere. As soon as he could smile, he would grin so big every time he heard his Daddy talk. After he quit breathing, Rocky was the strong voice of faith that helped me to continue to hold on to hope, even with no reason to believe!

With Jett now, I see so many similarities in their relationship and him and Jace's. Jett knows the minute his Daddy comes home and he smiles at him and Court more than anyone else! Rocky can calm him down at times when its even hard for me to.

My husband is such a good man and an amazing father. I am so proud to be the one that gets to stand beside him for the rest of our time here on earth and so blessed to have such a wonderful Daddy for my precious kids! I love you my Husband!

And just a few words about my dad. He has taught me so much in my 24 years. He has taught me the importance of hard work and integrity. He has taught me how to respect myself and stand up for what's right. He has taught me the importance of authenticity and transparency. How important it is to be real with people. Most of all, thought, he has taught me to recognize how much God loves me. That its not just that I want to know Jesus so I can go to heaven, but that Jesus is ALL that matters. He has helped me see that its okay to question your values and where you stand on issues, as long as you remember that Jesus is ALL that matters! I am so blessed to have a dad that loves my mom and that loves us kids and his grandkids so much. SO blessed that he was there through the hardest parts of my life and continues to support us and teach us by example! I love you, my Daddy!

2009-06-14T08:59:00.004-05:00

"Early when the day is new, Before the stirring, I will come to talk to you. To confess the ways I'm broken, to recall the words You've spoken, and to try to comprehend the love You have for me! You are my Hiding Place, You fill my broken heart with songs, Songs of deliverance, You sing of how the weak are strong. And You never meant for me to walk alone. You are always for me , as the TRUEST lover of my soul. You hear my desperate calling, You have kept my feet from falling and You've set me on this rock on which I'm standing now. And I believe You, for you saved me from my darkness and my shame." Hiding Place by Sara Groves

I think I wrote the words to this song close to a year ago when I started this blog. I am obviously still on the journey and it means something totally different to me now than it did then. We said goodbye to my brother yesterday. He left for active duty with the navy reserves. We don't know which country he will go to or even how long he will be gone. I am again learning a very hard lesson in mortality and trusting my Jesus. It brought up all the other stuff about how fast our lives changed a year and a half ago and then how fast it changed again just a year ago. I am here this morning, letting the Holy Spirit minister to me the truth of the protection and covering I have just resting under His wings. Where would I go if it weren't for this precious place of peace and truth? I am so blessed to have my Hiding Place.

Lydia

Please pray for Cat. She has a long journey ahead of her waiting for my

brother to come home. Pray against fear and for an overwhelming peace! I love you girl!

All of us kids before we had a lot of cares! This was a sweet memory! I will miss you Bubba. You will be home with us soon. You are Brave!!

Time to reflect

2009-05-05T22:38:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here tonight holding my brand new baby boy. My second son, my third child. I am so full of wonder at the miracle that he is. I sit and watch him all the time and I find myself marveling at all the things he can do. I am amazed at how he can suck and swallow so instinctively and how he can hear and see and do the things that he was just born knowing how to do. I thank God every day for all the little things that I had always taken for granted before. I am more amazed than anything by the way he breathes. How his chest moves up and down and how much I took that for granted in the past. How much that breath means, not just to Jett, but to all of us who love him. I am reminded today of the nooma video we watched all the time in the PICU while Jace was clinging to life. It was called breathe and it was all about the name of God and how, a long time ago, it was too sacred to even utter the name of God. That when people said His name it was just a sound, not a word. And the sound was the sound of breathing. It was four sounds within four breaths. We played that video over and over and my favorite part was when he says something about what if when a baby is born, it doesn't take its first breath, but it says the name of Jesus for the first time, and when a person dies, maybe its not that they take their last breath, but that, when they can no longer say the name of God, they die. I have definitely come to see that the very act of breathing is a miracle in itself. That life is full of adventure and there are new things every day to discover about our heavenly Daddy. I feel that, with the gift of this baby, God is attempting to heal something inside me that I was afraid would always be broken, and maybe didn't want fixed. And they best part is, if I will get out of the way and let him heal it, It will heal different than it was to start with. That the evidence of the wound will be there forever, but the healed part will always point others to the true character of God. To the hope that He has given me and will do even more for the kingdom of God and draw even more people to himself. If I will let him, this wound that will always be a part of me, will be the place that God can show his strength in my biggest weakness! I know that trusting Him is the hardest part of all of this right now. Jett looks so much like his brother and reminds us so much of Him. God is so Good. I will forever have a precious boy that will always remind me of Jace in such a special way. I'm so glad that God is God and that He doesn't listen to me and what I think I need. This sweet baby is exactly what we needed at this point in our journey. I am letting go of my precious Jace, and realizing that letting go doesn't mean forgetting. That my kids need their whole momma, and my Jace is with Jesus and cheering me on! That I will never forget and that part of me will always be sad and broken. But that letting God heal me is not betraying my firstborn son! I will love him forever until the day that I am with him again. And he knows that. I am choosing to let God take my Great Sadness, in exchange for the true, real, genuine Joy of the Lord that will be my strength. I want everyone to know that in no way will Jett ever replace Jace. That would be impossible, first of all, but also unfair to both of the boys. I am just aware today that a chapter is closing on this part of the journey and that its time to face the fact that my life will be different than I wanted it to, but that I believe God!! I believe He is who He says He is and He will do what He says He can do!! That is what fills me with peace and lets me know that, as broken and crappy as life can be, He is still faithful and I will trust Him and walk with my hand in his until this life is over!!

Jett is here!!!

2009-04-23T22:51:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to have all the details tonight because I'm on pain meds and I'm really tired. We came home from the hospital around noon today. I was ready to get home with our precious boy. He was born at 11:47 am on April 21st. He was 9lbs 6oz. and 20 and 3/4 inches long. It was the best feeling in the world to hear that sweet, soft cry. His sister is ecstatic and she is such a great helper and loves on him so well. There are so many things about him that we just watch in amazement. We will never take things for granted like we did before. We are missing our sweet Jace, and yet feeling a joy that we never thought was possible to feel again. I will write some more later but here are some pictures of our beautiful boy!! Thank you all for praying and continuing to pray for us!

Today is the Day!!!

2009-04-21T09:18:00.000-05:00

We are leaving in a few minutes for the hospital. I will post as soon as I can with the details and some pictures!!!

1 more week!!

2009-04-13T21:35:00.004-05:00

One week from Tuesday, which is tomorrow, and I am going to the hospital to have my little Jett man!! We are so very excited!! I have been counting down the days for awhile now and for a variety of reasons. First, its because he is getting so big in there that I barely have room for anything else. Secondly, I think that I am just so anxious. I've been nervous about everything this time and just ready to get him out here where I can look at him to see if he's okay. I feel like I've switched from feeling like nothing bad could ever happen to us to feeling like it will its just a matter of time. I'm definitely still having issues with trusting my heavenly Papa! I know now more than ever that He is on my side and I love Him so very much. Yesterday was Easter and it was the most meaningful Easter I have ever experienced. It was kind of sad because last Easter is one of my favorite memories of my sweet Jace. He fell asleep in the corner of the couch and was out cold for a long time. I just kept looking at him and wanting to pick him up and squeeze him because he just looked so sweet. I couldn't help but marvel at what God had done in his short recovery time! It was a hopeful day for me. This year was very different, yet there was still a lot of hope, just a different kind. I just sat there at church and I couldn't keep from crying. I was just so blown away by the Love of God that was revealed in Jesus and the work of the cross! I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that because of Jesus, I will be reunited with my precious son someday and that I will be with my Jesus forever!! I am overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation. Thank you Jesus, for the hope I have in you!! I still believe that everything you promised us is true!!

2 Weeks and 5 Days!!

2009-04-02T21:22:00.004-05:00

Ok!! I went and saw Dr. Hall today. I'm going every week now. I have two weeks left and only two more appointments! They rescheduled his birthday for April 21st so my brother can be there for sure. It's pretty hard to believe but we are almost there! My awesome friends are having a baby shower for me on Sunday and then my mother-in-law had one at her house for me last sunday!! It was really fun. I think that makes it go so much faster to have the showers and all the stuff to finish up before he comes. I wonder sometimes if it doesn't make it a little harder when you schedule the birth because you are counting down and I never really have that anticipation that it could happen anytime. I guess it could, it just doesn't seem possible with my track record. Anyway, I had an ultrasound a week ago and they predicted his weight at 6lbs 7oz. already!! I am only 36 weeks friday!! She measured me today, too and she laughed a little and said I was measuring 38 to 39 weeks. Like I said, I'm only 36 this week!! Thank God for c-sections!! I'm certainly glad I don't have to push these gigantic babies out! We are getting somewhat anxious just because we aren't quite sure how all of this is going to feel. It was just summer before last that I gave birth to my precious Jace and now I am having another boy and bringing him home to only his sister and Daddy and Me. Its really weird that he is not here and I'm not sure how all of the emotions are going to play out! I believe that it's going to be a beautiful time and a time of intense healing and peace, but I also know there will be a lot of memories brought to the surface and I am thankful for that! I feel like I have been in survival mode this whole pregnancy and it will be pretty crazy to see what kind of things come out once we actually get to hold our Jett and kiss him and look at him!! We are so very excited and can't wait to see what God is going to do! Love you all!

Lydi

Gammy's play!!

2009-03-12T22:27:00.004-05:00

We went to my mother-in-law's play this weekend. She is the drama teacher at Choctaw High School and she directed The Wizard of Oz this year for their musical. We have been to one play already this year and it was so good!! Our expectations are always high for her plays because they are really exceptional. you truly forget you are watching high school students! This one was no different. The costumes were amazing and the effects were really good, but, like always, its Mary's actors who really make the show! They did a great job! Mary had the idea that the grandkids should dress up like the main characters the night we came to see the play. Ella was Dorothy, Max was the Scarecrow and Courtsie was Glenda the Good Witch. Mary had her little dress made and it was soo cute. They all looked really precious. It was very obvious that one little special person was missing, though. We were taking pictures and really enjoying ourselves but in the back of my mind the whole time, I was thinking how cute of a little Cowardly Lion Jace would have made. I think it will be that way forever, always some bitter mixed in with the sweet. And I don't think I'd want it any other way. It is as it should be, he impacted everything about me for the rest of my life and I love that he is on my mind all of the time!! I put some pictures of our little mini cast. Enjoy!!

Lydi

4D Ultrasound!!

2009-03-03T09:18:00.002-06:00

We had our 4D Ultrasound yesterday. It was so fun. It was really cool to get to see him on the huge screen and to watch him move around and make faces. When she would push him from the outside to get him to move, he would scrunch up his face like he was gonna cry. It was the coolest thing. It was just me and Rocky and Courtlynn in the room. We got to see him for twenty minutes or so on the screen and then she made us a disc with 59 pictures. Here he is. So incredibly cute. He already has tons of hair and he still has seven weeks in there!! We think he looks like Court with Jace's lips.

Lydi

A little update on the Campbell fam.

2009-02-28T15:32:00.002-06:00

Ok. I decided everyone might like to know all the things that have been going on in the last month. First of all, my brother finally asked Cat to marry him. Its official now! I have a new future sister-in-law. My brother found out a month or so ago that he was going to be deployed in June. He's thinking he will probably go to Afghanistan. So Cat will be busy planning a wedding here and when he gets home, they will get married right away! So exciting! That leads into the next big thing happening, we scheduled Jett's c-section. He will be here on April 23rd! We wanted to get it scheduled so that maybe Andrew would be there but he will leave for his two weeks of training on April 18th. It stinks but he will be home on the 30th so Jett will only be a week old and he'll get to be here with him for a little while at least. We went ahead and scheduled out my doctor's appointments and I am going every two weeks now until April 2nd and then I am going every week. It is pretty crazy because this pregnancy has flown by, but at the same time, I feel like it has been an eternity. He is getting REALLY big. I can feel him all over the place in my belly and he is VERY active. I can't wait to see his sweet little face and know what he looks like. We are so excited. Court is talking about him all the time! We will probably have a shower in a few weeks and then it will be pretty much time! Anyway, there's what has been happening with the Campbell clan. Love to All!!

Lydi

It's been awhile

2009-02-25T22:29:00.003-06:00

I know its been a long time since I updated. I have sat down a few times to type, but there just haven't been words. I have really been trying to sort out how I'm feeling about life in general lately. And I have to say, I still am not really sure. The Lord has been teaching me so much the past few weeks. He is really walking close to me trying to help me learn how to jump with Him and trust what the outcome will be. A good friend of mine has been telling me that you can only trust someone as well as you know them and I know that that is so true. I think before my precious little boy came into this world, my "trusting God" was really choosing not to think about the bad things that could happen. I think I was, as so many Christians are, under the impression that the cross made it impossible for bad things to happen to me. In the song "Held", by Natalie Grant, she says, "Who told us we'd be rescued, what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares. We are asking why this happens, to us who have died to live, its unfair. "

I'm realizing that the truth is not that we are safe from the evil world we were born into, but that we are safe in the arms of Jesus. That we are so unaware of how deep and wide and long his love is for us. I have not ever truly grasped the depth of the love that my savior has for me. I am learning, at least to try, to let go and jump with him. Knowing that whatever the outcome, I will be deep inside the overwhelming love of God. My kids are not my own and I am trying to trust Him with them too. The hardest part of that for me is letting go of all the questions that I still have for God concerning Jace. I have so many things that I just don't understand. I can only focus on them every once in awhile. The ache that I feel when I let my guard down and let myself think a lot about him is deeper than I could have ever thought possible. I can almost feel the way he felt in my arms but he is just out of reach for me. I know that it will never truly go away, but I am asking God to show me how to live the rest of this life he has for me in the rest and peace I know he wants for me to live in. I believe that what I am learning is that the key to living in that is truly grasping the depth of his love.

4 years on February 4th!!

2009-02-06T15:52:00.003-06:00

We went to the doctor today and Jett's heart rate was 138! He's getting big!! We are getting really excited. He will be here in a little over ten weeks!! Crazy. It is going so fast but I am getting so ready to see him and know what he looks like and hold him for the first time! I can't wait to see him and see what God has in store for us! Life is so unpredictable and hard but the moments like this are what make it all worth while.

Rocky and I celebrated our anniversary today. Our actual anniversary was wednesday but Rock took off work today and we spent the whole day together. It was really fun. It sure is unbelievable that we have been married for 4 years and are pregnant with our third child. God is Good and I am so very thankful for my amazing husband. He is so full of faith and such an incredible man of God!

Lydi

Third Trimester Exhaustion

2009-01-26T22:42:00.002-06:00

Ok. I have forgotten how tired you get again at the end of your pregnancy. I am worn out again! We have been working on the house and getting everything in its place. I am so glad that we pushed so hard and got everything done with the house. It is so nice and homey and really peaceful here. We are having some trouble with Court sleeping now that she is without her passies for security, but she's doing okay considering that she has had those things since she was born! It is so strange to try and settle in here without our sweet Jace Richard. We miss him more every day. Today was pretty weird and slightly reminiscent of last December. It was hard for both of us to deal with all those memories again today. I think its good for us to remember that it has only been almost six months since he went to be with Jesus and that we are just gonna miss him. My best friend and I had a conversation the other day, though about moving forward and knowing that we are always going to miss Jace but knowing that we are not honoring him any less by enjoying our family and our lives right now. That if anything, we are honoring him more by looking forward to the future with hope and faith that we will be happy again. I believe with all my heart that I will never be the same and that forever I will dream of what it would have been like to see him at every stage. The pain never completely goes away, I am convinced of that. But Molly reminded me that I want my sweet baby Jett to feel that he is just as precious to us as his big brother is and that we are so thankful to have him and excited for him to come. Its so hard, but I am continuing to learn how to jump of the edge with Jesus and live in the middle of his love for me. I am learning how to live believing that he loves me in every circumstance in my life and knowing that he still loves me, even when I don't understand. Thank you all, My precious friends, for praying for us and lifting us up. This is a hard journey to be on and it continues to be so challenging, but oh to know God the way that I have come to know him!! To grow with him the way that I am learning to do right now! He has never let go of us!

Lydi

No More Passies and A New Puppy!!

2009-01-07T10:03:00.005-06:00

Okay, well we finally got moved in. We painted EVERY room in the new house and it took just a few days but we are pretty exhausted. We also got rid of Court's passies. I put some pictures up of it. We tied them all to balloons and sent them up to heaven to her Bubba. The first night, she was crying and she told her daddy that she thinks maybe when she gets to heaven her Bubba will share the passies with her. She thinks they will just run and play and have their passies. That's what she said and after that she smiled and laid down and went to sleep! She still says it every once in awhile, that she can't wait to have passies with her Bubba in heaven. It has been three days and we are finally going to sleep without crying. She actually did way better than I thought she would. I'm very proud of her.

We got a siberian husky puppy on saturday. It was a late Christmas present for Court. She has been asking for a puppy since Jace died. I think we are finally getting the hang of that too. We are having so much fun watching her and Court play together. Court named her Eva from her favorite movie, Wall-e. Anyway, I will put up some pictures of the house in a couple of days. I have really good before and after pictures. Just continue to pray for us. This is so hard to make a new start without our sweet little boy. Our invasion story is Sunday at Life church. I'd love for all of you to be able to see it!

Lydi

Moving and Painting!

2008-12-30T17:26:00.002-06:00

Okay. Sorry it has been so long since I've updated! We have had so much to do the last couple of weeks and all of our spare time has been spent packing. It has actually gone really smoothly. We are going in the morning to paint the new house. Any of you who would like to join us are perfectly welcome to do so! The more the merrier!! Anyway, As much as I love my precious Jesus, I am glad that Christmas has come and gone this year. It was all getting too overwhelming for me. It seems like it gets harder as the time passes, not easier. I will never be expecting anything about this to be easy, but I know that time changes things and it will be interesting to see what that means in our lives. I am feeling little Jett moving around ALL the time. He is much more active than either of the other kids and I am so very glad. I worry less about him because I can feel him most of the time. That is definitely the Lord, I think. Well, I will get back on here once we are in the new house and settled. Pray for safety as we move and that I will try to let other people do things and not be a control freak. Also, if any of you get time, look at my photography blog I set up. I linked it to my page on the side with all the other blogs I follow. Leave me some comments if you want, I'd love it!! It's not finished, Istill have quite a few more pictures to put up.

Lydi

Christmas Time!!

2008-12-17T15:45:00.008-06:00

It has been quite a week! We are trying to make it through the season. It has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I knew it would be hard going through all of this without him, but I had no idea all the sadness and pain it would bring to the surface. This time last year, We were in the hospital, still in ICU and waiting for him to breathe. I had no idea this was where we would be in a year. So much has happened and God has done so much. I am so thankful for the seven months we got to have with him after December and I am missing him terribly. I am wanting to buy him things for Christmas and get him dressed up for pictures, but he's not here. It is the hardest realization to have as a mom. I decided that we are going to still buy presents in his name and then take them to Jim Thorpe where he had his therapy. It is nice to find things that would have helped with his sensory stuff and things for kids with vision problems and know that they are going to gain from what we have lost. I think that if there was any consolation in any of this, it would be that there are many people who are seeing God in the middle of our pain. Thank you all for continuing to pray for us. This is by far the hardest part we have walked through yet. Remember this Christmas how precious your sweet kids are and how blessed you are to have them still here with you. We are remembering that about Court and little Jett that is coming. God is still good!

Lydi

P.S. These are some pictures from our New York trip. This is the day we went to Niagra Falls, (the American Side)

One Year Ago Today

2008-12-10T09:37:00.003-06:00

One year ago this morning, I woke up to ice all over the trees and ground. It covered everything. My sisters had stayed the night with us, so they were there. Rocky stayed home from work because everything around us was closed up. Offices closed and no one was out on the roads. Rocky drove over to Molly's to follow her over to our house so the kids could play and we weren't all shut in alone. My mom was in Missouri because her sister had just had twins. My dad came over and we were trying to figure out how we were going to get my mom's Christmas present all worked out. My brother and Cat came after awhile and we laid Bryson and Jace down for a nap. It was a very normal, out of the ordinary day. We checked on the boys and laid Kya and Courtlynn down in Court's bed. We played Scattergories (which I hate now) and listened to the girls talk on the monitor. I remember the day like it was yesterday and I think maybe I will forever. I have gone back over it time and time again in my mind, wishing I had done this or that. I know that it will never change and what's done is done. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that when I woke up that morning, I got him out of bed and he was smiling at me and laughing for the first time. He was happy and chubby and beautiful. When I laid him down for his nap, he had smiled at me right before he fell asleep. Our life was perfect. I had actually thought that a lot over those days leading up to December 10th. Now it is the darkest day of my life. It is full of shattered hopes and dreams. Full of memories of hopelessness and dread and wondering if I was ever going to get to hold him again. I had no idea where my life was headed that morning. The hardest part for me, though, is neither did Jace. His momma had just laid him down for a nap and when he woke up, he was intubated and laying on a cold table in a hospital room. He was also getting ready to slip into a coma that would change him completely. This world is evil and devoid of hope. It is angry and does all it can to lash back at its Creator. It is so evident that we live in such a fallen world. Especially when something like this happens. He was just a sweet, innocent little boy that knew only almost four months of this world. It is unspeakable that this happened and it happened to my little boy. He just stopped breathing in his sleep and our whole lives fell apart. I am still trying to pick up the pieces. I think they will always be broken but I think it makes them more beautiful. I'm gonna close with the words of the song from Natalie Grant. It sums up where we are today and how we made it through that hospital stay and a mom and dads worst nightmare.

"Two months is too little. They let him go they had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued? what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares. We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live, its unfair.

This is what it means to be held, How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness we want to taste it, let the hatred melt our sorrow. The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our savior?

This is what it means to be held.

Thankful

2008-12-02T00:12:00.002-06:00

Well. It has been a hard week to say the least. We enjoyed our Thanksgiving but it was very obvious how empty things were and how sad we were. We miss him so very much. It is more evident every day how incomplete our family feels. We are holding on so tightly to Jesus and trusting Him for our next breath.

As I thought about thankfulness this week, I realized that my idea of what it means to be blessed has changed so much. I used to think that blessed meant that if I did what I was supposed to, that my life would be full of all the blessings of wealth and happiness and I would never be touched by anything tragic. I have learned through this journey we are on, that to be blessed is in fact very different. To be blessed, to me means to be so much more aware of the deep, wide and high love that my Jesus has for me. To be blessed means to me that I am asked and desired by the Creator of the universe to be a part of His family and to one day be reunited with my precious Jace. I have also learned that earthly blessings are so much more simple than I thought they were. That they are having precious time with the people you love, and learning how to appreciate that time as much as possible. Learning to drink in the moments that are so short and fast lived and to praise our Father in the middle of it all. I believe that a life colored with sorrow and pain makes a very beautiful portrait if you allow it to. I am learning to lay me down at the foot of the cross and choose to trust the God of Creation every day with every moment.

We are leaving for New York in the morning. Please pray for a safe drive and for safety especially for little Jett in my belly. We are reminded again that we planned this trip while Jace was still here and that he is now not going with us. Pray for comfort and that God would do what he desires to do in our family this week. Love you all. We'll be home Tuesday!!

"Lead me to the cross, Where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me, Lead me to the cross!" I love you Jesus

Lydi

How Beautiful the Blood

2008-11-24T14:43:00.003-06:00

Jace's headstone came in last week and they got it set in the ground. We went by Sunday to see if it was there and it was. It looks absolutely beautiful. I find myself wondering what I was expecting from this little bit of closure. I sure don't feel any better about anything. But, this part of me is just so glad to have his name and picture there where we said goodbye to the little body we took care of so fervently. I don't know if those red curls and those big blue eyes will greet me in heaven or if he will look totally different and I will only recognize him by his irreplaceable little spirit. I miss that little face and that beautiful hair. I'm sure he will look the same but completely different all at the same time. It was perfect timing that the headstone came in when it did. I didn't want to do Thanksgiving and Christmas with an unmarked grave. I went out there today and took some pictures. I put one where I hadn't decorated it so you could see how beautiful it looked without the glare on it. Then I put one with the flowers I put out and the Christmas tree that his sister helped me decorate.

At church on Sunday, we sang "How Beautiful the Blood." We sang that song at Jace's funeral and since then it has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am so indebted to my precious Jesus. It takes my breath away to think about how much he loves me, that He spilled his beautiful blood, that I might be reunited with my precious baby boy when this life is over. If it weren't for my Jesus, I would never see that precious treasure again. Thankful doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about Jesus. I am walking with Him through this terribly hard journey and knowing that He has never forsaken me. I am not alone and the best part is, I am FREE to have a deep, intimate relationship with my creator. All because of Jesus Christ! Thank you Jesus for the amazing way you love me and my family.

We are gearing up for Thanksgiving this week. Pray for us, we miss him so badly. Pray that we will let God heal our hearts through this holiday and that he will be able to accomplish His purpose this week. Pray for peace and strength as we do this first Thanksgiving without him. We are thankful for all of our wonderful friends that love and support us through this really hard time!! We love you all!

Lydi

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!

2008-11-20T13:08:00.004-06:00

Okay! We had our ultrasound this morning and it was really long. She was very thorough and she made sure she could see everything. We are probably going to go back and see if we can see few things a little better but, we are having a BOY!!! He definitely has a little extra part of anatomy! We are really excited. We are praying that we know just how to handle all of this emotionally and it does make things a little different to know that it's a boy. We are praying against the enemy trying to lie to us and get us to compare or make us feel like we are replacing him. Nothing could ever replace that precious little man. I know that it will just continue the healing process in such a unique way. We are so thankful for this little guy growing inside of me and praying that he will be whole and healthy, but more that anything, he will be just who God intended him to be. Just like Jace was. We miss him so very much. We know he is celebrating with us today and so excited about his new baby brother. We are trying to decide between Jett Richard and Jett Rocky. We know we love Jett and we know we want the boys initials to be the same. It will be a sweet tribute to Jace, I think. Anyway, let me know which one you like better. Love you all!

Lydi

2008-11-19T20:58:00.002-06:00

Really fast. We are actually getting ready for bed. We were supposed to have our ultrasound on December 1st but I went in today because I was having some trouble with my thoughts running away with me and so I went to hear the baby's heartbeat. It was perfect, 151. Anyway, Dr. Hall asked me if I wanted to have my ultrasound this week. She knows I have been stressing a lot and she said if it would make me feel better, that I could have it early. I said of course!! So, long story short, I have my ultrasound at 9 in the morning!! I will have to post tomorrow afternoon while Court is napping and let you all know!!

Lydi

Happy Birthday Court!!!

2008-11-17T21:26:00.002-06:00

Today is Courtlynn's third birthday! We had a wonderful day. Rocky takes off work for all of our birthdays and we just celebrate the whole day. We got up this morning and went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. We ate and looked around the store then went to the mall and played mini golf. Court played for a long time at the playground at the mall. We got her a special jewelry box that has a dancer inside and plays a sweet little song. We got her that from her Bubba. She is missing him a lot lately and we thought it would be good for her to have a present from him. Just for her to know that he knows today is her birthday and that he still thinks about her. That he is still real and he is really with Jesus. It was really good for her! We ate dinner at Pei Wei, her choice, and then we came home and had a cookie cake from Eileen's! We watched the new Tinkerbell movie she got for her birthday. It was a really fun day.

She had her birthday party at Pump it Up on saturday with her friend Kya. It was so fun. They had been looking forward to it for so long and they were exhausted when it was finally over! She, of course, got way too many toys and is just having a ball with all of her new things!

We are so thankful for the weekend and the blessing of having her here with us. We are so much more aware of how quickly life can change and how awesome it is to be able to have another day to love on your family and friends! We are missing our little man and thinking about all the fun things he is doing with Jesus. God is Good!

Lydi

Makeup!

2008-11-13T15:53:00.004-06:00

Okay so its been a week since I updated. I have been running crazy trying to get all the stuff together to close on the house in two weeks. Its pretty crazy that we are closing that soon and that Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner.

Its been a pretty hard week. My friend Kacie's little boy had open heart surgery on the 10th. He is only 5 months old. We have been praying for him and praying that the Lord will work through this surgery to completely heal him. It was hard to see the pictures she put up of him intubated and in that big bed looking so tiny. They went back to the PICU after the surgery and they were right next door to the room Jace was in. It was so crazy all the memories that brought back. They are very blessed to have their little boy still, but they have a long road of healing ahead. They still need a lot of prayers!

It still seems really overwhelming that Thanksgiving is coming and that I have no control over how life just keeps moving. I have been listening to this song by Little Big Town, (they are a country group), called Lost. There is a part where he says, "While I'm still the world goes 'round so free, so cavalier." I feel like that a lot these days. I know that its just part of the whole process. I ache to hold him and smell his little smell.....

Well, sorry that my blog is so sad. its helping me to journal it though and work through the messy grief. I thought I'd end on a little lighter note. These are pictures of Court's new favorite thing to do. She comes in first thing in the morning and puts on my lipstick and eyeshadow. So far the only eye color she has found is blue.... Yikes. I'm not sure where she gets it considering that I don't wear makeup very much at all! Oh well! She's pretty cute huh?

Lydi

P.S. I just remembered I was going to tell everyone that I've been feeling the baby move a BUNCH. Just thought I'd share that little bit of exciting news! Love you all!

15 weeks today!

2008-11-07T17:45:00.001-06:00

I had my appointment this morning at 9:45. I got to take court with me this time and it was really fun. The nurse, I remember from Jace, has a hard time finding the heart rate early in the pregnancy. She tried for at least 10 minutes (or it felt like that long). She couldn't find it and had to send Dr. Hall right in to find it. She found it in about 3 seconds!! It was right down on the left where I have been feeling movement so I guess that confirms that that is my little punkin that I've been feeling!!! It's crazy that I am already past my first trimester and well on my way!! We are having our ultrasound on Monday, December 1st. We will know right before we head out on our trip to New York. (We are driving to New York on December 2nd because Rocky is in his best friends wedding in Rochester on December 5th.)

Court is really excited and says that she is having a little sister. She is absolutely sure that its a girl. I guess we'll see in about 3 weeks!!! Talk to everyone soon!!

Lydi

More Changes!!

2008-11-05T08:39:00.000-06:00

WOW! It has been a crazy couple of weeks. I put some pictures up of the Storybook Forest this year and I'm going to put some of her in her costume as soon as I can get the pictures loaded. We actually bought a house last week. We found a house in Seminole Point and we were advised by a some of our friends in the housing business that we should go ahead and buy before the end of the year. I guess they are getting ready to come down really hard on mortgage companies and its going to be hard to get a loan and stuff starting in January. We are closing on November 30th and they are staying there until December 30th, so they are paying the first house payment. We will probably move all of our stuff in on December 31st, but we are painting so we'll wait to set everything up until we get it all painted.

I have my appointment on Friday morning and I will find out when I can have my BIG ultrasound to find out what we are having. It should be in the next couple of weeks. Its crazy that its already time to fin out. I am 15 weeks along on Friday. We are really excited that we'll be in the new house before the baby comes and be able to get everything all ready.

I am getting everything all ready for Christmas. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. We're setting our tree up tonight because we won't be able to leave it up for very long after Christmas. It is really strange to be doing all of our traditions and know that Jace won't be here. It's crazy how the pain changes from day to day. Sometimes, we miss him so bad that it takes our breath away. And other times it just aches so deep that we can hardly concentrate on anything else. I can't believe how badly I miss him and how incomplete we feel now. I guess that will probably never change. We know that he will get to have his 2nd Christmas with Jesus. I'm sure he will just be sitting in His lap all day. I know it will be better than any Christmas he could have had here. It doesn't change how much I wish he were here with me though.

I'll let everyone know Friday night or Saturday when the ultrasound will be. We'll see!!

Lydi

2008-10-29T21:35:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!

Sorry it has been so long. We have had a pretty busy couple of weeks. We went to the pumpkin patch on Sunday. It was a sweet time. We missed Jace so very much. It definitely brought back a lot of memories, but they were really sweet ones. We also went to the Storybook Forest with Molly and David on Monday night. We did that last year with all of our kids. Molly has Kya that is 1 day older than Courtlynn and Bryson that is 3 weeks older than Jace. We went to the Storybook Forest last year together too. Jace was 8 weeks old and Bryson was 11 weeks. It was such a fun night and felt so complete to have all of our kids together. We thought it only fitting to all go together again this year. It was really hard to not have Jace there with us this time. I feel pretty lost sometimes and like I want to just stop people and tell them that I have two kids, its just that one is no longer here with me. Its pretty crazy, though how God uses Bryson in my life. It was so sweet to see him walking around and eating his candy. He was wearing Jace's coat that was supposed to be for him this winter. I found it while Molly and my mom and sisters were helping me clean out his room when we were officially moving out. I thought Bryson needed to have it since Jace couldn't wear it. Bryson was wearing it and he kept falling down and face planting on the ground because it was so puffy. Just watching him, I could almost see what Jace would have looked like. I think God arranged it that way. I think if I will let Him, He wants to use Max and Bryson to ease that ache a little. I know there are times when it is good for me to be around the boys, and times that I just can't. I'm learning that I can't expect too much out of myself. My good friend told me today that I am mourning and that I need to remember that. I need to not push myself to do things if I feel like I can't right now. The Lord is revealing himself to us in incredible ways and I am more and more convinced of how real his love is for me. Love you all

Lydi

P.S. Here are pictures of our sweet boys last year at the Storybook Forest.

2008-10-21T10:33:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to tell everyone about last night. I was going through the tapes from our video camera over the past couple of years. We bought the camcorder after Court was born after we borrowed Bobbi and Jason's to tape her birth. We found, about two months ago, a tape of Jace in his excersaucer that my precious friend Nichole Brewer let me borrow. It was taped the DAY before he quit breathing during his nap the first time in December. He LOVED that toy. My favorite memories of him in it are when I would look at him from the back while he was leaned forward looking so intently at his toys and his little fat neck had that roll in the back.. I loved that. Any way, after we found that video, I started slowly looking at other ones. It was so special to have those pieces of him captured in action! We found one last night that is so very special. The very beginning of the tape was his dedication day on Mother's day morning! It was so awesome to watch everyone praying for him and for our family. My very best friend Molly was standing next to me with both of her kids and we were just standing together giving them back to the Lord. That is how it was supposed to be their whole lives. They were all gonna grow up together and be best friends, or so we thought. I just loved that that was captured on video. It is so very precious to me.

Right after his dedication, his sister is laying next to him on the floor like she did all the time. She is singing Jesus loves me to him so he won't cry anymore. She keeps leaning down and kissing his little mouth. While it was playing last night, She kept running her little fingers over his face on the screen. She is feeling it too. That deep, unquenchable desire just to touch him again and feel him. It was pretty awesome to think of how thankful I am that I charged that video camera and got it out even when it was kind of a hassle. God is so good to us to let us have little things like that to help us remember the things we loved so very much about him! We love you Jesus!

Lydi

2008-10-19T22:01:00.000-05:00

Its been quite a weekend. We have been pretty busy with birthday parties and planning our fall outings. We are trying to plan a trip to the pumpkin patch this week before all the pumpkins are gone! It's another one of those things I am finding myself having to do so very often. We are making a new memory and trying to figure out a good way to keep the happy one from last year stuck in our hearts forever! We are missing him more and more as the days wear on. Last year at this time we were blissfully happy! We had not a care in the world and all of our dreams and hopes were still intact. We are understanding now how permanent all of this is. When I think of the pumpkin patch, I can remember how Jace felt up next to me in the sling I was carrying him in. He slept the whole time. It was pretty cold last year and I just tried to keep him all bundled up. He is such a treasure to us. He brought us so much joy while he was here with us. It's hard to think that we're going to have Thanksgiving and Christmas this year and not have him with us. Last year's Thanksgiving was so special and we have so many good memories of letting him taste the food and smiling and laughing with him. Pray for us as we venture out to the pumpkin patch this year. Our hearts are so heavy and we are wondering how we are going to make it through the season. We believe that God is so good and that his Faithful hand will continue to hold us tightly as long as we choose to hold tightly to Him! We know that we are deeply blessed for getting to be a part of his amazing little life!! Thank you guys for praying for us!

Lydi

2008-10-13T09:47:00.000-05:00

So Sorry!! I went to the doctor on Thursday but I haven't gotten on to write because I've been so tired. I guess that is all part of the first trimester stuff! Everything went great at the doctor. The baby's heart rate was 168! I'm sure that doesn't mean anything but who knows! We are definitely getting more and more excited. We miss Jace so much right now. I do agree with some of my friends that have lost their babies, that it sure doesn't seem to get easier. I'm sure you just get used to feeling kind of lost and not sure what to do some days. I know when the baby comes, I'll be pretty busy and I know that will be of some comfort. It is just so strange to be living every day without the little boy that I carried inside for me and took care of all the time. It has been hard this week to be around our friends and family that Jace was supposed to grow up with. Its been bittersweet I guess to watch their boys play and laugh and dance!! It makes me sad, but it makes me happy that he is doing that too. I only wish I could watch him!! I have loved getting to hold the boys and Max, my nephew, is a very good little snuggler. It does sort of help heal a little part of that. And its so strange how it can almost make me feel bad that I'm getting to hold them and not my sweet little boy. But I know that is just a part of the whole process. I know Rock is a little concerned about me because I'm feeling a lot more sad. But I know that its because we are starting all of our holiday festivities and I HATE that we are doing it without him. I know there is nothing we can do, but I just wish this time of the year just wasn't coming right now. Please just pray for us because it sure is getting hard to go into the holidays and know that just the three of us are celebrating together this year. This picture is what I keep remembering. Its a happy memory, but all of those are now tinged with sadness. I hope it makes you guys smile. This was one year ago on October 31st! We love you guys!

Lydi

2008-10-05T21:20:00.000-05:00

I told everyone I had another ultrasound last Friday and I just haven't had time to put the picture on. I thought you all might like to see it. The baby grew almost twice its size in 11 days!! Its amazing so here it is. I have another doctor's appointment on the 9th of October so I'll let you all know how that goes! Thank you Jesus for our sweet, healthy baby.

2008-09-27T23:18:00.000-05:00

Eventually I'm going to get a little better at being more regular with this. We moved into an apartment last weekend and then we have been working non stop to make it feel like a home. At least for a little while while we are here. Its pretty weird starting a new chapter of our life and not having our little man here with us. We are trying to adjust to the feeling of someone missing. It is a constant companion of ours. The Lord has really worked everything out for us this week. We closed on our house Friday. We are no longer the owners of our Tanglewood home. That was harder than I had imagined it would be also. We found out we were pregnant with him there and we were so excited for him to come and got his room all ready. That was where our lives changed forever and while there are so many memories there that are dark and awful, there are sweet ones there as well. It showed us , though, that those memories will always be a part of us. We are forever changed and wouldn't want to be the same. We got to see the baby again on Friday too. We had another ultrasound for my peace of mind. Everything is going very smoothly. It has been a week of remembering and looking back. We are learning how to look at the past without staying there. We are learning to look to the future, but our hopes are so different. We have new expectancies and new dreams for our family. I have been listening to a song a lot lately by Sara Groves. It says: All I have need of, His hand will provide. He's always een faithful to me. I can't remember a trial or a pain He did not recycle to bring me gain. I can't remember a single regret in serving God only, and trusting His plan. He's Always been faithful to me. .... God has been faithful, He will be again. His loving compassion, it knows to end. All I have need of, His hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me.
He is definitely holding us closer than ever before, but I think its because we are letting Him... He loves us so very much and I will never doubt it again. He will always walk beside us!! I have never loved Him more! We know that we will always miss our Jace. He is a part of our family that is missing until we are reunited with him. We also know that God is good. He has been faithful, and He will be again!!

Baby number three!!

2008-09-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

Well, Sorry its taken me a little while. Its been a little bit crazy this week. We had our ultrasound yesterday morning and everything looks great. We have a healthy baby!! I am seven weeks and five days tomorrow! It feels pretty crazy that life keeps moving even though such a huge part of me is not here anymore. I never thought life could move forward without my precious boy, but it is. It seems a little cruel sometimes, but God is showing us so much more every day how very much he loves us. We know he gave us this baby to help us to heal. We know that the baby will remind us of Jace and help us to remember how very ALIVE he is in heaven. We miss him more all the time, and yet the little things that we loved so dearly about him are so comforting to remember. It does help to write, even if people don't read it that often!! We are closing on our house on the 26th!! We'll get to move out of mom and dad's house and have our own place again. It has been so good for us to live here for this part of the healing process, but God's timing is perfect and it is definitely time to be out on our own again! Hopefully i'll talk to you all soon!! We move to our apartment on Monday so I'll let everyone know how it all goes!!

Love ya, Lydi

" Let us hold tightly to the hope we affirm, For God can be trusted to keep his promise" Hebrews 10:23

2008-09-12T10:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm gonna try this for a little while and see how it goes. I think it may be a good way to continue through this grieving process. As most of you know, baby number three is coming into the Campbell fam. I go to the doctor on monday so I'll let everyone know after the ultrasound how everything looks.

Love, Lydi